Troll 2 (1990) [REVIEW]

 

The time has finally come. This review is multiple days in the making. I mentioned I was going to review it a few reviews back, and it’s finally here. It’s time to review, the unofficial “Best Worst Movie“, so I want you to prepare yourselves for something truly monumental. Wait, actually, don’t, because this movie was a let down. We’ve all seen the clip on YouTube of this kid saying “They’re eating her! And then they’re going to eat me! Oh my gaaaaaawwwwwddddd!”, which was the highlight of this film. You can save yourself the trouble and just watch the scene over and over again, because sadly, Troll 2 isn’t really worth the time or effort.

 

I couldn’t figure out if they couldn’t afford the red stuff or if the green stuff was on sale.

The film opens with a grandfather telling a story to his grandson about goblins chasing someone through the woods. Then we get to see this chase, and we immediately realize this movie has a MUCH lower budget than Troll had. Clearly these goblins are just little people wearing shitty, shitty masks, running through the woods. They might not even have known they were filming, they might have just been doing this in their spare time for fun, who knows. We then realize that Grandpa is actually dead, and the storytime was just imaginary. Our family, which Grandpa is no longer apart of (due to being dead), is preparing to travel to the town of Nilgob, which is far less populated. When they arrive, they switch houses with a family, and this family has left out food that has green shit all over it. The ghost of Grandpa tells the little boy to piss all over everything, and he does, and the family gets pissed off.

 

Okay, fine, I will admit, it’s kind of funny that the little boy thought “Fuck it, I’ll piss on everything, who gives a fuck?! I’m 10!”

Sadly for our family, it is revealed that the town’s occupants are shape-shifting goblins who need to convince people to eat green shit, so they in turn can be eaten. Weird how the town of NILBOG is inhabited by…wait a second, NILBOG backwards is GOBLIN! OH FUCK! So yeah, there’s that. Then we have scene after scene of people trying to get the family to eat green shit, then they almost eat it and the little boy stops them. Here and there the ghost of Grandpa intervenes and physically does things, whereas other times he just suggests to the little boy what to do. All of the shape-shifting goblins have four leaf clover marks on their faces, and then everything gets really boring and the movie ends. I really didn’t care enough to pay attention to where it all went, sorry! Oh, except for the part where the kid eats a bologna sandwich instead of green shit, and then his mom gets eaten by goblins at the end.

 

It’s like they purposely tried to make the goblins as non-threatening as possible. Unless you hate masks.

Considering all the hype of this being one of the “best worst movies”, it should really just be classified as one of the worst movies. Period. End of sentence. Did you notice in my review, I not once referred to the creatures as trolls? THAT’S BECAUSE THIS MOVIE HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THE FIRST FILM. They just named it “Troll 2” in hopes of tricking people into watching it, and it worked. It reminds me of Zombie 3, Zombie 4, and Zombie 5:The Killing Birds. All different kinds of zombies, no continuity, just decided to put a number after the word “Zombie” in hopes of selling a few more tickets. If you recall, Troll was awful, but it at least had enough stuff going on to keep you entertained. Troll 2, however, had so many long and boring periods, that even when something insanely weird or dumb happened, it didn’t make up for how long it had been where nothing was going on. From here on out, I am officially stripping this film of the title “Best Worst Movie”, and placing that title on my mantle until something better/worse-er is brought to my attention, because this film gives bad/good movies a bad/not good name.

 

Wolfman Moon Scale



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2 responses to “Troll 2 (1990) [REVIEW]

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