I’ll be the first to admit that the main reason I saw this movie was because it had a remake coming out. Not only did it have a remake coming out, but that remake has Diora Baird taking over for Linnea Quigley, which are some of my favorite names of people ever. However, I do think that after this movie was made, there was some sort of falling out between the filmmakers and Diora Baird, or at least that’s what she texted me. Oh, did I mention we text? Yeah, pretty much all the time. Anyways, I tried watching this version at work, but guess what, THERE WEREN’T ANY SUBTITLES! I mean, I can speak english, barely, but listening to the shitty audio from my laptop speakers sucks, so I put the viewing on hold. Lucky for me, I finally convinced Rampaige to let me watch it! Yes!

See that weird demon in the mirror? No? Kinda? Well, it’s the only picture I could find, so you can fuck right off if you have a problem.

In typical 80’s teen horror fashion, Night of the Demons takes a hodgepodge of 80’s teen stereotypes and devises a reason for them all to be hanging out together. What better reason than having a Halloween party in an abandoned old funeral home, that, believe it or not, is supposedly haunted! I’m guessing that you already know where this movie is going, and you’d probably be right. I think the demons were somehow unlocked during some half-assed Bloody Mary mirror game, but it’s a little unclear. All that matters is that demons are unleashed, and they inhabit some of our archetypal coeds. Some of them die, some of them live, some of them put lipstick all over their face and boobs and then shove the entire lipstick into their nipple. Pretty standard demon stuff. Rather than killing the demons or anything like that, the two remaining characters escape certain death by crossing a stream that encompasses the house, which the demons can’t cross. Halloween parties! Yay!!!!

Anyone remember those pills the dentist gave you as a kid that made your plaque turn pink? This bitch has a serious case of gingivitis.

Surprisingly, this movie was actually pretty entertaining. The incredible outfits of the characters and just the vernacular used throughout (I believe a young Donnie Jeffcoat from Wild and Crazy Kids tells his sister she has “bodacious boobies”) make it enjoyable to mock. The demons were kind of fun too, because they were pretty similar to the Deadites in the Evil Dead series. No discernible weaknesses or ways to hurt them, all you can hope for is escaping them. Which, lucky for our teens, is easy to do, as long as you cross the stream, which seems counterintuitive to everything I learned from Ghostbusters. I feel like if I had seen this movie when I was younger, it would definitely hold a nostalgic place in my heart for how silly it is, but doesn’t really do that much for me now. But if you’re reading this, Linnea Quigley, I was wondering what you are up to this weekend, and when can we expect a sequel to Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama, or when the Assault of the Party Nerds trilogy will finally be completed.

Wolfman Moon Scale