When it comes to Netflix Instant, beggars can’t be choosers. Rampaige and I have managed to work our way through most films that are even remotely interesting, and now we just settle for whatever recommendations pop up. Watching all of those were so shitty, that we now only watch films that fall under the genre of “supernatural horror”. We stumbled upon this film, which stars Amy Smart, and the description mentioned being the third film by director Eduardo Sánchez of Blair Witch Project fame. We liked Blair Witch, and Amy Smart was in Crank, so how could this be bad!?

Don’t help that guy! He’s going to be a total cocksucker later!

A young couple are spending their honeymoon in China, which is where Amy Smart’s husband has relatives. They have a tour guide since they don’t know their way around the country, and they make their way towards those relatives. When the tour guide claims to be lost and gets out of the car to ask directions in a secluded neighborhood, things get a little wacky. He doesn’t return for an hour, and all the houses are boarded up and locked, with no lights, and animals tied up outside. They go back to the car to see if the tour guide has returned, only to find their car covered in blood. They decide to leave and come across a man who is tied down in the middle of the road. After untying him, they learn that the people in this community have left sacrifices for demons who come in the night, and that’s why he was tied down. The rest of the movie shows the couple trying to escape these demons, as well as avoid this other man trying to make sacrifices out of  them. They eventually believe to have found solace in a house filled with candles, but they are given tea or something that makes them horny, so they bone. When she wakes up, she finds that her husband was sacrificed and is turning into one of these demons. They have one last conversation before all the other demons, along with newly converted demon husband, start chasing her. When the sun rises, the demons disappear, and the movie is over.

Eww. Those are some dirty, dirty fingernails, dirty, dirty fingernails…haha get it?! Modest Mouse?! Are they still relevant to anything anymore?

Goddamn you, Seventh Moon, I gave you so many chances to be good, and you just kept fucking it up. Every time they took the film in an interesting direction, they would change their minds and go in a different way. It literally felt like every ten minutes I would say to myself, “Hey, I actually DO like this movie!”, only to take that back a few moments later. I can’t remember any specific examples, because there were quite a few, but it ended up just leaving a bad taste in my mouth. The creatures looked cool, and were always out of focus so you couldn’t concentrate on the effects, but the chase/escape scenes were kind of silly. Some people might dig this movie, but I can’t under good conscience give it too good of a rating, but, fuck it, I’ve seen a lot worse.

Wolfman Moon Scale