Before knowing that this movie was a movie, I knew it was a poster. Wait, did that make any sense? What I mean is that I saw the poster for this film, before even knowing it was a movie, as it was being sold by Mondotees.com at the same time as a print of There Will Be Blood that I really wanted. I had figured it was some weirdo old sci-fi horror B-movie, and really didn’t think much of it. But then….I heard the plot. WHAT THE FUCK?! I had to find a way to see it, and, well, I did! Anyone who I tell that I have seen this movie, I always preface by saying, “Okay, keep in mind that the title is NOT what you think it means…”, because it sounds like condoms. I then saw that for the trailer on YouTube, someone left a comment that got a shitload of thumbs up from other users. What was that comment? The comment said “condom.”. That’s it. Just the word “condom”, and lots of other people thought that was hilarious. Fuck I hate people.

Quite the intense standoff.

The film opens with a cop car driving on a dirt road covered in chairs, taking the time to meticulously knock each and every chair over. A character gets out of the car, and starts a monologue into the camera. He goes on to say how peculiar movies are, and about how strange it is for main characters to fall in love, how people don’t often go to the bathroom, just an overall observation that movies aren’t real life. They are weird exaggerations of real life, but that real life in it of itself is weird as well, so it can be assumed that movies just choose different elements of peculiarity. This is when we meet the protagonist of the film, Robert, who’s a tire. Yup, a fucking rubber tire, hence the name of the movie! But not just your regular ordinary tire, well, he actually kind of is an ordinary tire, except for the fact that he has apparently come to life.

Goddammit I wish there was a love scene in this movie. Although, then it probably would have been too similar to that movie Bound.

We see Robert encounter different objects, both living and inanimate, that he is able to destroy using telekinetic powers. Whether it be a glass bottle, a bird, a rabbit, or even a person’s head. He goes to a motel and starts blowing people’s heads up, and the police catch wind of this happening. They end up using a woman he has apparently become fond of as a decoy, in order to blow him up. Failing to blow him up, the sheriff confronts him and shoots him to pieces. After shooting him to pieces, we see a tricycle start rolling on its own, which rolls past more and more tires coming to life. The film ends as we see a large cavalry of tires, which we can assume are going to seek revenge on the town. Oh, and this whole movie keeps cutting back and forth between this plot, and a plot that involves spectators watching all of these events through binoculars, while also eating poisoned turkey, and one of the spectators, who happens to be in a wheelchair, trying to get involved in taking down Robert. What the fuck?

Poor, poor exploded headed lady.

I wonder if maybe there was a version of this film that existed that didn’t include the first five minutes about films being ridiculous for the sake of being ridiculous. Because, well, that’s what it was. Rampaige kept saying how she hated it because it was dumb and stupid and artsy and she “didn’t get it”, but because of that first five minutes, I really didn’t think there was much to “get”. Sure, if you were looking to be a little cocksucker and read into everything that happened in the movie as part of some bigger concept, you could, but I get the sense that you’d be wrong. It really seems as though the filmmakers sat down and said, “Wouldn’t it be funny to make a movie about a tire that has telekinetic powers and blows up people’s heads?”, and then it got made. Granted, I didn’t really think the movie should garner a subsequent viewing, but it killed time, and I’m now able to say I watched a movie about a tire that has telekinetic powers that blows people’s heads off.

Wolfman Moon Scale