Believe it or not, but there was a time before Netflix Instant existed, where if you wanted to watch a movie on the computer without downloading it, you had to settle for really shitty quality. You guys might not remember that, being so young, but ask your parents and they might remember those times. Not only was the selection already shitty, but the fact that only some of the videos were reliable, lead to me watching things like The Nanny Diaries. Yup, that’s right, I watched The Nanny Diaries. However, I watched it while at work, so at least I got paid to watch a bootleg. Also, Scar Jo was in it, and she played an anthropologist, so I am going to stop trying to defend myself. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, the point of this whole story is that this movie is one I attempted watching on the computer, and I vaguely remembered it, but watching something that’s bootleg quality, with a shitty internet connection, on a computer, results in distraction. And because I watched the episode of The Office where they debate Hilary Swank being hot made me realize I owed it to her to give this movie a fair shot!

Yeah that’s right, they’re finally making a sequel called “The Next NEXT Karate Kid”.

Hilary Swank plays a former missionary, or some religious type lady; I don’t really know much about God helpers. While being a missionary, some of her family gets killed, so she loses her faith in God. After losing her faith, she makes it her mission to debunk any instance of religious miracles or catastrophes through the power of science. Her most recent endeavor takes her down to some place in the south where there are swamps. I think it was Louisiana, but it doesn’t really matter. The events involve a river turning to blood and all the fish dying, and while investigating, frogs rain from the sky. After collecting samples and spending some time in town, more and more events start taking place involving maggots and cows dying. Science doesn’t seem to be answering anything quickly enough, but the people in town keep blaming a little girl. After chance encounters with this little girl, Hilary Swank uncovers more and more about what’s going on in the small town and realizes that there are cult people doing cult people things. I kind of remember what was happening, but I think the final result is that the whole town was using this little girl in rituals and they were the ones who brought about all of these bad things, and so Hilary Swank kills people or something? Then as she’s leaving town, she remembers one night where she was having a sex dream, only to remember that one of the townspeople had drugged her and raped her, and she is probably going to shit out a Satan baby. Sorry Hilary!

That cell phone on your hip can’t save ya now!

Religion? Science? Hilary Swank? This movie LITERALLY had it all! So what was wrong with it? It’s hard to point out any one thing. The performances were all fine and everything, and the idea of it was interesting, it just kind of fell flat and got boring. They kept trying to use science to justify things, and then at the end, blamed it all on a cult. I was a little unsure whether or not the cult actually was responsible for these things, or if God was pissed at them, or if it really was just science. I suppose some of the visuals were kind of neat, too, but not really enough to keep you interested. Can I just say that it was boring? I just couldn’t really pay attention to it. It might have been because I was eating pizza at the time with Nate and Rampaige, and any movie compared to pizza is going to be crappy, but I still want to blame the movie.

Wolfman Moon Scale