Is this what my fucking life has come to? Admitting to intentionally watching this movie might as well be the cry for help the people who commit suicide normally do. This might even be more embarrassing though because when someone cuts their wrists, everyone feels bad for them and buys them presents, but if you watch Transformers 2? Everyone makes fun of you, and everything gets worse. To let you know how badly I didn’t want to see this, when I was applying for a movie theater job, they asked if I could hang out for a while so I could meet a manager, and offered to let me see this movie for free. My response? I WENT HOME. Got the job anyway, but still. I originally planned on watching this movie and doing a live tweeting commentary, but this movie is TWO AND A HALF FUCKING HOURS LONG. No way would I have any followers if I had to do that. I hated the first one, and figured that if this one was entertaining enough, I’d consider going to see the new one, where Chicago gets the shit kicked out of it. After sitting at my house for a month, Rampaige forced me to watch it so we could get more movies that wouldn’t sit around. Please forgive me, Cthulhu.
It’s hard to tell the difference between official movie stills and erotic robot photoshop projects.
You might be wondering what happens in the opening scene in this movie, and so am I. Something happens involving robots in disguise, I’d be willing to bet, and that scene establishes some robots as bad, others as less bad. Whatever, it’s so fucking stupid. We learn that Shia LaDouche is going off to college without his love, that dumb cunt Megan Fox, nor with his car, Bumblebee. As the family is getting ready to leave, we see two dogs humping. More specifically, a smaller dog humping a bigger dog. Get it? Fuck. Twenty minutes in and this is what it’s come to. At college, something happens with LaDouche that involves awkward roommates and girls. There really isn’t any filter in my brain as far as what was important to this story and what wasn’t, or maybe Michael Bay had no filter either. This whole time, the bad robots are trying to bring the super mega-bad robot back from underwater death, supposedly because of some other bad robot, who is even more super mega-bad than the underwater one. I use words like “super” and “mega” because I’m pretty sure those words were in the script. There ends up being a “hot chick” bad guy robot that seduces LaDouche, and there are awkward, theoretically “funny” moments of confusion between LaDouche and Megan Fox where she thinks he’s cheating on him…BUT NO NO NO, IT WAS A ROBOT! HAHAHA IT’S SO FUNNY AND AWKWARD! Also, LaDouche’s parents are constantly making sexual references, which is just gut-busting. As in, it quakes your bowels. Eventually, we get to see Optimus Prime fight some bad guy robots in the woods, which was kind of fun, but then he dies. Boo hoo.
These are the dogs that hump each other.
Lucky for Mr. LaDouche, he remembers having visions of strange symbols, which through the help of John Turturro, helps LaDouche realize he can go to the pyramids in Egypt to find a dagger to stab Optimus in the heart and bring him back to life. Pretty convenient that there is also a super-mega-gnarly-bad guy weapon hiding in a different pyramid. Glad to see that John Turturro survived getting peed on by a dog AND getting peed on by a robot in the first one to reprise his dignified role in the sequel. Did I mention Megan “The Whore” Fox getting humped by a small robot? I don’t remember when that happened, but it did. Maybe the dogs humping was just foreshadowing of this moment, as opposed to arbitrary yuk-yuks. Yeah, that’s what it was. They find the dagger, Shia LaDouche gets killed and sees the robot Gods, because apparently when humans die, they finally get to meet their deities…which are robots…but they bring him back to life. Then he brings Optimus Prime back to life, but not until after John Turturro sees a robot from behind and underneath, noticing its “scrotum”, according to Turturro, which are played by two giant wrecking balls. Apparently the robots do indeed have their own sexes and genders, and have external reproductive organs, which can mean nothing less than the fact that baby robots come from adult robots fucking each other. SO MUCH SCIENCE! From there, Optimus kills the bad guys, and I think that’s the end, but there might have been some fart or balls or dog humping jokes in there, I can’t really remember.
Megan Fox is a stupid cunt. I’m just including this picture so that hopefully anyone looking for pictures of her comes across this page, and sees those dog pictures. I seriously think that this stupid cunt is just a computer generated image, with the proper boob-waist-hip proportions. There’s no way this thing is a real human.
For as shitty as this movie was, because, trust me, it was shitty, really fucking shitty, so very, very shitty, it was, wait, what was I saying? Oh yeah, it was fucking awful. As if the first one wasn’t shitty enough, and let me remind you it was fucking awful, so very fucking awful…I’m losing track of what I wanted to say. I hope that one day Zack Snyder gets to make a movie with Michael Bay. Can you imagine that? The title of the movie, of course, would be “Robot Boobs Explode Mountain Dew Truck of Fire…in Slow Motion”. I might be all over the place with this review, but I feel like watching this movie gave me a concussion. Even Rampaige chimed in and said, “Why does everything in this movie…look like that?” I had to explain that every single one of Michael Bay’s movies are orange, super saturated, with high contrast. I think we then starting talking about Armageddon, and I started crying, then said, “Armageddon outta here!” Okay okay, back to this movie, which was fucking terrible. The one thing…and I mean ONE thing that I will credit this movie with over the first movie is that the action scenes with robot fights took place out in the open, instead of in between buildings. You could make out more easily the difference between background and robot, whereas the first one made it difficult to differentiate. Other than that, it was just as shitty as the first, but I still might go see the third movie so I can see Chicago get the shit kicked out of it.
Wolfman Moon Scale