ROMERO INVOLVED IN AN ANTHOLOGY?! SOLD! Imagine my surprise while browsing Netflix Instant to see that this movie was available. Even Rampaige wanted to watch it! I guess she would rather watch this than Mad Men. The difficult part about finding information on this movie is I can’t find any! If you go on IMDb, this movie is listed, as well as a Volume 2. The weird thing? Neither of those entries reflects what the stories in this film were. I also couldn’t find an official website. I’m pretty fucking confused, but this is what I’ve gathered. Romero must have already “presented” something called Deadtime Stories that didn’t get an official DVD release. He then produced another volume of short horror films. What I am reviewing, however, is an official DVD release, that may or may not have been released between 2009 and 2011. All that really matters is that this is a straight-to-video horror anthology that where Romero was the Executive Producer.

The candlelight really brings out your beard.

The anthology is hosted by George Romero himself, dressed in whatever the fuck he normally wears. The first film he introduces is called “Valley of the Shadow” and has something to do with a team of scientists trying to find…something. What that thing is I can’t really remember, but I guess there are natives in this land that are protesting…whatever it is. Apparently this thing can grant eternal life, but when the natives end up catching the scientists, they put their heads on stakes, with the implications of them “living forever” by being a head on a stake…I think. The second film is called “Wet” and is about a beachcomber who finds a mysterious box on the beach. He finds a hand in the box, and attempts to sell the box at an antique store. The antiques dealer knows that this box held the remains of a mermaid and encourages the beachcomber to put the box were he found it. Ignoring his advice, the beachcomber unearths the remaining boxes, despite the warnings. In the night, the beachcomber is stalked by some unforeseen force, which ends up being a fucking mermaid! When she catches him, she chops off his legs and turns him into a merman, which gives her real live legs. The final story, directed by Tom Savini, is called “Housecall“, not to be confused with House Party. A mother suspects her son of being a vampire, because the son claims to be one, so an older, retired doctor comes to investigate. The two just sit and talk about the boy for most of it, and eventually the old doctor goes in to check on the boy. The mother hears violent sounds, and when she goes in, sees the doctor driving a stake through the boy’s heart, and when he turns around, the doctor is a vampire and he was apparently the one who bit the boy…I think? And then that’s it! Deadtime Stories is now over!

Just slap a seashell bikini on this bitch and you got yourself a Disney movie.

The first story sucked. I wish I could pinpoint exactly why it sucked, but I can’t, since there wasn’t one specific element that was more awful than the others. It was just kind of all bad, so deal with it. The second story was a lot more enjoyable, and I seemed to enjoy it more than most other reviews I read online. To me, it combined two things that I had already seen before and enjoyed. On the one hand, it was similar to the story “The Drop of Water” from Black Sabbath in the way that the main character had an item that they knew they shouldn’t have, but they took the risk of the repercussions because of their greed. It also reminded me of the movie Darkness Falls, which, other than the first five minutes, was fucking awful. However, in that opening scene, the filmmakers posed the question of if the tooth fairy was real and actually existed, but was an evil fucking ghost. Similar with the mermaid idea, that they are normally known as beautiful women, but some of the more ancient stories involve them being a bunch of bitches. I also enjoyed the special effects and makeup when it came to the mermaid itself. The last story wasn’t too bad, and despite the not so surprising twist ending, I was surprised that I could be so entertained just by watching two characters talk. They were talking about things like death and vampires, sure, but they were still just sitting there and talking. You also knew that there would be some sort of twist, whatever it might have been, and maybe I just didn’t think enough about it, but didn’t really see things turning out that way. I think this movie was better than Creepshow 3, which isn’t saying much, but still isn’t as good of an anthology as any other of Romero’s works. Do yourself a favor and skip that first short film because it sucks dicks.

Wolfman Moon Scale