Goblin (2010) [REVIEW]

 

This movie was another one of those upcoming releases that I found out about through Upcoming Horror Movies that I figured was worth a shot. Why did I feel the need to link to that website? So maybe YOU, the reader, can browse the site and find something I missed. It’s hard to find new horror movies that are worth my time, and I seem to get more traffic out of new movies rather than with old movies, so I’m always trying to stay on the cutting edge of what’s hip. I know I know, it sounds silly to read that I need to make an active effort to be hip, since it generally comes so naturally. Well, it takes a lot of hard work and dedication, but I feel as though it all pays off. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, this shitty, shitty movie.

 

You’re right, it is easier to cover your goblin with a cloak than spend money on the computer effects to animate it.

The film starts with people burning shit in a bonfire in the 1800’s, and it’s all shit that’s fucked up. Rotten apples, broken vacuum cleaners, and retarded babies. Sadly, the owner of one of these babies gets pissed when her mongoloid child is burned alive so she curses the whole town. Once we are in “present day”, we see a family moving into this town. Things seem to be weird around the town, and the daughter of the family is the one who helps learn of the local legend. Apparently every Halloween there is a goblin that comes to town and goes after newborn babies and anyone that baby might be hanging out with. Bad news for the family…THEY HAVE A NEWBORN WITH THEM! NOOOOO! The goblin kills a few people here and there, and then the town drunk steps forward with some important information. There is a stick that exists that has all of the power of the witchy woman who cursed the town absorbed into it, and they can use that stick to kill the goblin! So the family does that, and the movie’s over. No, I’m not going to waste any more time writing about plot intricacies.

 

Finding images for a movie called “Goblin” that was a SyFy original is a lot harder than you’d think, so this is all you get.

Where do I fucking start with what’s wrong with this movie. The movie description involved a curse and Halloween and a goblin, and what’s not to like about that? The opening scene was okay, nothing too bad that’s necessarily worth nitpicking, but the acting, writing, and directing were all pretty bad. Remember when I mentioned how in Laid to Rest that everything was really dark and was kind of annoying? This movie was the opposite. Other than the opening scene, everything took place during the day. Not trying to say that things can’t be scary during the day, but when you have a cloaked figure that is supposedly a goblin just going for a fucking hike in the woods, it looks like a there is just a LARPer who wandered off the battlefield. Oh, and if you don’t know what LARPing is, you might not like any other references on my site. There were a few shots where the cloaked figure looked kind of creepy, but the poor computer effects resulted in a shitty reveal, and towards the end when we see the goblin just jumping around everywhere, it looked like something out of Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed. Yes, I do own Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed on DVD, and considering I paid money for that, hopefully it gives you an idea of how shitty this film is. It had good intentions, but unfortunately it really suffered due to low production value. Oh, and that goblin in the poster isn’t even close to what the goblin in the movie looks like.

 

Wolfman Moon Scale

I couldn’t find the trailer, but the closest thing to a trailer I found was someone edited the entire movie down into about ten minutes. I’d say that even this version is about ten minutes too long.


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4 responses to “Goblin (2010) [REVIEW]

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