The first I learned of this movie was when a poster appeared at work, alongside posters for Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance and The Hunger Games. It just made me long for a time when posters had paintings of the main characters on it, as opposed to just tossing a bunch of black and orange on there. There’s also the very popular orange and blue color scheme, which is equally as annoying. I also remember that this film came out right around Christmas, and despite having no interest in seeing it at that time, I didn’t see it playing at a nearby 18 screen theatre. THERE WERE 18 SCREENS AND THEY COULDN’T WASTE A SINGLE ONE OF THEM ON THIS GARBAGE. It also wasn’t screened for North American critics, which is always a good sign.

This was the other image I constantly saw while this movie was being promoted. Sorry, Emile, but you can’t hide from this piece of shit movie.

You’ve got these two dudes who are flying to Moscow (that’s in Russia) to try to make money from some internet computer thing. Don’t worry, none of that shit is important, because aliens show up. None of the characters are really that important or interesting or entertaining, because all that matters is that aliens show up and start turning people into ash. The main characters manage to hide for close to a week, thanks to something referred to as a “door”, behind which is a “room”, and that provides enough security for the aliens to not find them. Through some huge jumps in science and logic, our characters learn that the aliens have armor that makes them invisible, but a drawback to that armor is it electrifies nearby objects. This means that all the characters have to do is wear lightbulbs around their necks and if they light up, bad guys are nearby! Convenient! They get word that there’s a nuclear submarine that’s leaving Moscow so the characters make their way there and some of them die but some of them live and these aliens are living everywhere but their weakness is microwaves so the humans fight back and it’s all a bunch of dumb, pointless bullshit that nobody cares about.

“Well of COURSE this microwave gun, built by a guy who covered the walls of his apartment with cages, is going to work when it comes to short-circuiting the extra terrestrial armor! Was I the only one who found that to be obvious?!”

Where do I start with what were the worst parts of the movie? I guess I had assumed there would be a reason why this movie would take place in Russia, other than maybe they got a discount for filming there. I didn’t see any aspect of why this movie was made better or more intense for having taken place in Russia, especially considering we learned that these aliens invaded the whole world, so this movie could have taken place ANYWHERE and been just as shitty. The aliens themselves switched from looking like shit that fell off of a tree in Avatar when they wore their “armor”, to looking like an enemy from a Sega CD videogame. Just a terrible, design for something that you’ve already established as essentially being invisible. Not to mention that one of their weaknesses was that they couldn’t see through windows? Really? When I talk about their weaknesses and jumps in logic, all of the rules were established by these American dum-dums who were trying to become billionaires through the internet, not any type of scientist. You have invisible aliens who can’t see through the store windows in a mall, so you immediately know that it’s because these windows have small amounts of electricity in them that disrupt the sensory perception of aliens, and when a character asks, “How’d you know that?”, the character’s response is “Shark Week”. AN ALIEN COMES IN TO DESTROY EVERYTHING AND YOU HAPPEN TO STAY ALIVE BECAUSE YOU HIDE BEHIND A GODDAMNED WINDOW AND YOU IMMEDIATELY JUMP TO THE CONCLUSION THAT ELECTRICITY CAN DISRUPT THEIR SENSORY ORGANS BECAUSE OF HOW CLEARLY SIMILAR THESE INVISIBLE ALIENS ARE TO SHARKS. What the fuck? Just skip this movie entirely and know that it should have gone straight to video and I’m sure that’s why the producers pulled it from theaters as a gift to humanity around Christmas, just like Jesus did. That’s what Jesus did, right?

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