Guys, it’s called “Satanic” so of course I’m gonna wanna check it out! Satan is the ultimate bad boy, second only to me. I’d never heard of this movie, but sometimes replying to emails with, “Yes, I would like a Blu-ray to review,” results in getting a package from FedEx containing a movie! Then you watch it. Then you tell people about it. Then they read about it. Except, in this case, I doubt anyone will read this, unless a lot of people Google “Movies from the producers of The Walking Dead,” in which case you did, hello! Thanks for reading, but Satanic has nothing to do with The Walking Dead, or really, anything to do with something good.

Finally a movie will use a Ouija board to make some spooky stuff happen!

When a group of coeds (goddammit, why won’t someone control these coeds that constantly get into trouble?!) head to L.A. for a vacation, they decide to spend their time sightseeing looking into locations where Satanic rituals and cult sacrifices took place, rather than try to find celebs. Hey, that sounds like something I’d do! After getting a hunch that following a few employees at some sort of Satan store could lead to adventure, the gang stumble across a ritualistic sacrifice that they bring to a halt by shouting. Good job, guys! When one of the coeds realizes they dropped their phone and a mysterious lady offers to bring it to them, these coeds learn their horrors have only just begun! Then a bunch of dumb spooky crap happens and who the hell cares, this movie was a turd.

Tattoos? Knives? Hooded figures? Naked ladies? Yup, we got all the fixings for a Satanic ritual!

When you watch a lot of shitty movies, sometimes all it takes is a somewhat clever concept to get you engaged, and I think Satanic has some merit in at least that regard. I’ve been to quite a few cities around the country and I always want to see the spooky and macabre sights, so I could at least connect with the characters’ motivations. Other than the initial concept, Satanic was incredibly dull. The characters stay in a hotel room where a ritual supposedly happened, and wacky stuff happens with the girl who returns the cell phone, but it’s never really clear if the spooky stuff that follows is being caused by a ghost or by Satan or maybe by a ghost of Satan? Also, none of the intentionally spooky things were really that spooky. A guy sees a pentagram in the foggy mirror after a shower, a bunch of CGI birds are found dead in a pool, and then silverware gets stuck in the ceiling. What the fuck do any of these things have to do with Satan? I HAVE NO GODDAMNED IDEA. The whole film felt like a cheap excuse to cash in on the phrase “Satanic panic” and give Sarah Hyland from Modern Family an excuse to add a movie to her filmography. What started as a clever approach to exploring cults and sacrifices devolved into a bunch of nonsensical, generic scares that never really culminated with anything satisfying.

Wolfman Moon Scale

IMDb