This is another film that I have vague memories of from when I was younger, despite having never actually seen it. I kind of remember the trailer and thinking, “Oh cool! That is kind of like Tremors…but COOLER!”, and never actually saw it. Cut to a few years later and the internet existing, and thought that this movie was actually called “Sirens“. There already was a movie called “Sirens”, that was a little different, and I’ll let you figure out which one it is I reviewed. One involves robots that kill people from underground and make a screaming sound, and the other features Hugh Grant, accompanied by a naked Elle Macpherson and a naked Portia de Rossi, because their characters are sirens for a famous artist or something. Can you guess which film is which?! Good luck!

Awwwww, it’s a cute little dinosaur robot thing.

In the not too distant future (fucking great, another one of these movies), there was some sort of war between people and it was somehow centered around nuclear weapons? Or something? I don’t know, but they are on a different planet and there is a lot of sand. One of the groups built robots that live in the sand that kill the bad guys, but the guys who made them lost control of them and now everyone is scared of them. For some reason, one dude goes off in search of the warehouse that built them in hopes of finding out how to stop them and get off the planet. When they get to the warehouse, they learn that the sand robots were just phase 1 of a bunch of different robots, going all the way up to phase 3 and 4. The newer ones look just like people! Whoa! They are robots but when they get pissed and blow up, they still scream. So some shit happens with robots and explosions, eventually the guy who was investigating what was happening gets all “WHOA SHIT, GET ME OFFA THIS ROBOT PLANET!” and takes some chick he wants to bone with him. He eventually finds a spaceship that will take him off the planet but then the chick turns out to be a screamer. And I don’t mean in  a sexy way, I mean in the robot way. So he fights her or something, but eventually he gets on the plane to head back to Earth, only to reveal that there is another screaming robot traveling with him! DAMMIT!

DAMN BITCH, YOU NEED A ROBOT DENTIST.

Great, just what we needed, another sci-fi film that has allegories to a nuclear holocaust and how cultures deal with the aftermath. And it takes places somewhere with lots of sand? EVEN BETTER! This movie just reminds me of a term my professor used all the time in a course in college, “cyber punk”. Apparently in the 80’s and 90’s, everyone had this wacked out idea of how important computers would be in the future, so all this dystopian garbage has this aesthetic to it that is just Blade Runner, but shitty. That’s pretty much what the first half of this movie is, but when the idea of who/what are these robots, that’s when it gets pretty cool. The bad part was you had to sit through 45 minutes of crap that was supposed to mimic our worst fears of the future, which was just a snoozefest.

Wolfman Moon Scale