A few reviews back, I think it was Paranormal Activity 2, I talked all sorts of shit on this movie. Then I realized I had never actually seen it. Fuck me, right? I just didn’t really think I had to see it…ever. Then I decided to be a mature, sophisticated person who wastes his time watching garbage before thoroughly talking shit on it. Even though I was in high school when this movie came out, I was still smart enough to know it was a stupid idea. The original had only been released the year before this one, and the reason that one was scary was because of the style it was shot in, as opposed to the storyline. How could this one possibly be as enjoyable as the original? Who the fuck thought this movie was a good idea? I graduated from the same college as one of the main actors, and remember going to see friends in the theater department and seeing his picture hanging up because of how successful he was. Good job buddy! I think I also heard at one point Rob Corddry, who also went to my school, auditioned for the improv troupe I was in and didn’t get in. Just to show you who is funnier and more successful, myself or Rob Corddry. Wait…dammit.

“Don’t worry guys, we’ll still have careers after this, the only people who go to see it will be our family members, and they HAVE to love us, right? Guys? Is this thing on?”

The timeline of this movie is all sorts of fucking wacky, so I can’t really remember the exact details of when things were happening. The movie starts with a whole bunch of fake news segments about the mythology of The Blair Witch Project, and people questioning whether it was real or not. That part was kind of interesting, because when the original came out, there were some people who thought it was real. This movie bought into that and showed brief news segments of people who believed it was real, people who knew it was just a movie, and people who were exploiting those others who thought it was real. This leads to a “Blair Witch Tour” taking a few people into the woods where the movie was filmed to investigate and see if anything spooky happens. The characters in this movie were so fucking ridiculous, between the paranoid computer geek video technician, to the super goth and in touch with death chick, to the girl who refers to herself as Wiccan constantly and in the most contrived ways possible, they’re all just so laughable. This group of tourists bump into another group of tourists, both trying to stake claim to camping in the most haunted spot (the remains of the house from the first movie), but the first group gets it. When they wake up the next morning, all their shit is trashed, along with their equipment, so they’re all just like WHOA WHAT THE FUCK and go back into town to try to figure out what’s happened.

You know how I know this bitch is goth? SHE’S LAYING ON A FUCKING TOMBSTONE. NO BIG DEAL.

If this movie didn’t make sense up to this point, it makes even less sense from here. Once they get back to paranoid guy’s apartment, they see on the news that there were brutal murders in the woods last night. They start reviewing the tapes from the night prior that were able to be salvaged, and start seeing weird things. Apparently in the middle of the night, Wiccan girl was dancing around some tree naked. But in the video, the tree was really young, but when they camped, it was really old…WHAT THE FUCK?! Goth girl goes out to get beer and is harassed by the girl ringing her up, so she steals the beer and gets back to the apartment. One of the women who was on the tour starts claiming responsibility for the things that happened, as well as speaking in crazy nonsense, and everyone is, once again, all WTF?! She starts taking responsibility for what happened, so the gang starts getting all up in her business to the point that she hangs herself in front of all of them. Oh yeah, and the house itself is shapeshifting or something? Who the fuck knows what they were doing. Anyways, the real cops show up and arrest and interrogate all of them. Turns out, there is video evidence of the gang killing those people in the woods, the goth girl killing the clerk when she got beer, and them wrapping a noose around the girl’s neck and showing her to kill her. THE BLAIR WITCH MADE THEM DO ALL THESE THINGS NOOOOO!!!!!!!

You know how I know this bitch is Wiccan? BECAUSE SHE’S LAYING IN FUCKING LEAVES. NO BIG DEAL. (I seriously think that was the thought process behind the filmmakers)

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. How did this movie exist? Is it possible that it was even WORSE than I had anticipated it would be? I think I mentioned in another review that this film took the mythology of the first film and expanded upon it. Well, this movie might as well have been just a fan-made video because of the amount of ridiculously stupid shit that was somehow sort of related to a couple of things  that were kind of hinted at in the first film that these filmmakers tried to reference. Even the quality of the film that this was shot on seemed to be awful, that I really thought it was some straight-to-video bullshit, and completely forgot it was actually released in theaters. It seemed like there was some sort of brainstorming session to come up with ideas of what this movie could be about, and they decided to go ahead with EVERY FUCKING IDEA THEY HAD. It was just a giant amalgam of bullshit and nonsense that didn’t connect to anything at all. I’m sure that by the time you got to the end of my plot recap, you might have thought, “That sounds slightly interesting”, and I even thought that too, but one tiny grain of anything interesting at all is so completely drowned out by utter horseshit nonsense in filmmaking that there is absolutely nothing redeeming about this movie. Oh, and I don’t think they even once talked about books, especially ones that were Shadow-books. Go UMass Minutemen!

Wolfman Moon Scale