Nope, I have never, ever seen this movie before. Shocking, isn’t it? I know all you readers out there had assumed I had seen every movie involving cyborgs enforcing justice, but you’re wrong. DEAD WRONG. And the thing is, I have almost no memory of this film whatsoever. For a movie such as ROBO FUCKING COP, for me to have been almost completely oblivious to it, almost seems like I’m lying. But guess what? I’M NOT LYING YOU ASSHOLES. You’d be surprised at how many random action/sci-fi movies from the 80’s that I’ve never seen. You know what else you might not believe? I’ve never seen Die Hard. Okay no, I’m kidding, of course I’ve fucking seen Die Hard, are you out of your goddamned mind? What American has never seen Die Hard? Correction, what TRUE American has never seen Die Hard? That’s a trick question, because if you have never seen Die Hard then you are a fucking terrorist and should get out of John McClane’s America.

Where does the face start and robot begin?! WHO KNOWS! PETER WELLER LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE ATE JAMES WOODS AND CRAPPED HIM OUT.

Hmmm…now if only I could remember what time frame this sci-fi movie from the 80’s took place in…OH THAT’S RIGHT, THE NOT-TOO-DISTANT FUCKING FUTURE. Not only that, but it’s in Detroit, which has always been decades behind everywhere else in the world, so I guess that just kind of balances everything out. In the film, and only in the film, Detroit is portrayed as a veritable no man’s land, where greed, corruption, crime, and violence are running rampant. During a police bust gone wrong, Officer Alex J. Murphy, played by Peter Weller, is shot and killed. His body is used by a corporation to try out some of their new cyborg equipment and turn him into some sort of, robotic policeman or something. He goes out, kills bad guys doing bad things, but part of his humanity comes back as he tries to find the person who killed him. Turns out that the person who killed him was on the payroll of the company that installed the hardware and is untouchable, so now Metal Man is on the run from the greedy corporation! After using his detective skills to uncover the corruption going on in the city, the president of the company is fired, and RoboCop shoots him out of a fucking window, then winks at the camera and says “I’M NOT A MOTHERFUCKING ROBOT, YOU CAN CALL MY METAL ASS ALEX J. MURPHY, NOW SUCK THE LONG COCK OF THE LAW!”, or something like that.

“The perfect killing machine! However, it’s only weakness is stairs. Don’t let this shit get near stairs, or you’re all dead.”

Similar to the first time I watched First Blood, I watched this movie and thought “…huh?”. It’s interesting how some movies gain cult followings for justified reasons, and sometimes unjustified reasons. Once again, having absolutely no nostalgia attached to this film, I went into it with a pretty open mind. What did I get? A solid action movie that was ridiculous enough that it was entertaining, and clearly didn’t take itself too seriously. Two great examples of this would be two scenes where the evil corporation is after RoboCop and he has to get away. He’s in a parking garage and people are shooting at him, so he hits the ground, rolls off the edge of that level, only to land on the level below. He then rolls the opposite way, falls down another level, and proceeds to do this until he hits the bottom. It was so practical, it was stupid. I couldn’t help but be entertained by how silly and efficient it was. Another scene involves a huge motherfucking robot that breaks down some doors and makes Murphy shit his metal ass as it starts chasing him through an office building. Murphy runs to the stairs try to get away, then the robot stops behind him, no longer chasing him. Why did he stop? Did Murphy recite a magical incantation? Well, no. The robot’s feet are too big to climb stairs. THE ROBOT’S…..FEET….ARE TOO BIG….FOR THE STAIRS. The robot looks at the stairs, then looks at Murphy, then the stairs, then Murphy….the robot then gives a robotic FUCK IT in his mind, and gives the stairs a shot. BUT HE FUCKING FALLS DOWN AND MURPHY JUST LAUGHS AT THE STUPID FUCKER. It was insane. I feel like this is what people would watch before things like Crank or Punisher – War Zone existed, so I support it completely. Maybe the special effects weren’t the greatest, maybe the plot didn’t make much sense, but it was a fun action movie that you didn’t have to think about.

Wolfman Moon Scale