FUUUUUUUUUUUUCCKKKKKKKKK. I realize that just by typing the title of this post, I understand that I now must review EVERY film in the Hellraiser franchise. I bet Rampaige is fucking pissed. Wait, strike that, I KNOW that she’s pissed. She already told me. I saw this movie around two years ago, and gave it a whole-hearted “meh”. Granted, I also wasn’t working all that much at the time, and spent a good portion of my day watching movies in my bed, on my laptop, while also looking at the internet. I guess in retrospect, I really wasn’t paying close attention to what the fuck was going on. And to be completely honest, this review might show you that I still don’t quite remember what the fuck was going on, but at least there are a few more details I could recall.

I still don’t quite understand why this guy has all those pins on his face.

This dude and his wife and some dumb fuck daughter move into a house or something, only for the wife to realize that her husband’s brother, whom she used to fuck on the reg, died there or something. While moving, the husband cuts his hand open which soaks into the floor boards, causing the brother to start coming back to life. Apparently the brother was fucking around with this old timey Rubik’s Cube and accidentally got taken to hell by demons. The demons are called Cenobites, which make me think they’re a movie theater treat. The wife discovers the brother being reanimated and he tells her that he needs more sacrifices so he can suck their souls or something and get more flesh on his bones. The wife starts luring men in, and the brother comes more and more back to life. The daughter starts picking up on what’s going on, and finds the old cube, which summons the Cenobites. This is when we meet “Pinhead“, along with a couple of other freaks. She lets them know that the other dude has escaped hell, and leads the Cenobites to him in exchange for her life. They get there, and exchange her life for his, and take that other bitch too, and everyone’s superfucked. Oh, except the daughter. And her dad is dead.

YOU’RE TOTALLY RUINING THAT SUIT, DUDE.

I think there’s a few details I left out about the cube, but that is pretty much it. Definitely liked this movie a lot more this time, while paying attention, than I did last time. The biggest compliment to this movie is definitely its visual style and the special effects. This movie was right on the cusp of computers replacing everything, along with claymation (ugh) taking over, but it is on the good side of that cusp. Meaning, there were lots of really cool practical effects, such as a skeleton coming to life and rising from a pool of mushy blood and guts. Also the visual style of the Cenobites was really neat and reminded me of the inventiveness of Guillermo del Toro, but this movie being made in the 80’s. Even if the story doesn’t do much for you, everything going on with the visuals were pretty cool.

Wolfman Moon Scale