Fantastic Four (2005) [REVIEW]

 

I think it’s a combination of having just gone to C2E2, knowing that there was going to be a new comic book series called “FF” because Johnny Storm recently died, and, spoiler alert, because Johnny Storm recently died in the Fantastic Four series, I decided to give this movie another shot. And by give it another shot, I mean watch it again, because I have it on DVD and have watched it a few times. When it first came out, I was driving cross-country with Ryoji, Moussa, and Bremalin to go see the Carry On reunion. We were at such a loss for what to do, we considered using one of our nights to watch this. Thank fucking Cthulhu, we didn’t. However, I do remember working at a movie theater at the time and making sure to poke my head into the theater at the scene where Jessica Alba was in her underwear. Some things never change!

 

GET THAT FOREIGN SHIT THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!! Err, I mean, it’s clobberin’ time!

Reed Richards is played by Ioan Gruffudd (who?) and his best friend, Ben Grimm, is played by Michael Chiklis, and these two dudes really want to go into outer space. They rely on an old classmate named Victor Von Doom, played by Julian McMahon, to try to get some money for their project. Problem is, Victor Von Doom is kind of a dick, and he is dating Reed’s old girlfriend! What a cock! Victor agrees to the mission, and brings his girlfriend Susan Storm, played by Jessica Alba, up into space with all of them. How could things get more awkward? Well only if Susan has her younger brother, Johnny Storm, played by Chris Evans, as the pilot!  What a bunch of jerks! Well, guess what happens when they go to outer fucking space? THEY GET BLASTED WITH SPACE RADIATION RAYS! OH NO!!! What the fuck did they think would happen?!

One difficulty in reviewing this movie was finding pictures that weren’t Jessica Alba. So, well, here ya go.

Back on Earth, these magic space rays have given them super powers. Reed can get really stretchy, Ben has been turned in a big rock monster “thing”, Susan can become invisible, Johnny can catch on fire, and Victor now has a metal skeleton and electric powers? Or something? That part’s a little unclear. They end up using these powers a few times to save the day, but mostly Ben is just pissed because he’s a fucking rock, so Reed tries to figure out a way to change him back. While doing this, he invents some super energy machine thing that will change him back, but Victor finds out about it first. Victor watches Ben change back to human, then sucks out all the super power from the machine or something and then is an asshole trying to kill other people. The rest of the team joins together to make Victor melt, because he’s metal, and then cool him off, to make him solid, which makes no goddamn sense at all. Reed then tells Ben that he can change him back, but Ben arbitrarily changes his entire opinion on being a rock because he has found a blind chick, which apparently makes it okay to be a fucking rock the rest of your life. Oh, and Reed steals Victor’s girlfriend back. Nice.

 

See that? Over there? Yeah, that’s the idea of you ever playing a role that isn’t the lovable sidekick going down in flames. Sorry!

To a slightly lesser extent, this film has suffered the same fate as the Daredevil movie, which means it was rushed into production with “hot” actors, thinking this that will translate to charisma. Julian McMahon was hot because of the Nip/Tuck popularity, Jessica Alba was hot because, well, she is hot, and Ioan Gruffudd…who the fuck knows where he came from. All those people kind of sucked in their roles, there’s no two ways about it. Were they as bad as the first Fantastic Four movie from the early 90’s (review here) that had no budget? Not at all. They came in and read their lines, they just didn’t really bring much to the movie. Michael Chiklis and Chris Evans, on the other hand, were awesome. Chiklis has experience playing a character like Ben Grimm/The Thing, in being the muscle, being the big guy, being the guy you have sympathy for, and he played that role as good as anyone could. Johnny Storm is cocky, annoying, a smartass, you almost don’t even like him, but he always manages to pull through so that you like him deep down. The chemistry between these two characters, constantly bickering and mocking one another, also played well, or at least as well as their relationship in most comics. And when you add those two to the other two, creating four, the “family” dynamic that was always so important played out pretty well.

 

The blonde hair was tolerable, but I got creeped out by those dead fucking blue eyes, knowing there wasn’t anything behind them. Yes, she does have eyes. They’re just a couple of inches above her tits.

Other than that, pretty much everything else kind of sucked. It just seemed like it might as well have been a kids film, or maybe a cartoon or something. I think they were going for the fun family adventure of something science-y happening and them using their smarts and teamwork to sort out the problems, but everything was just sort of half-assed. There is a bit about them wearing special spacesuits that, as Johnny Storm says, “Keeps the hot stuff hot and the cool stuff cool”, which was so fucking stupid. But of COURSE that explains why they can wear these superhero suits back on Earth, because they were hit with the same cosmic radiation! Whoa! There were some moments that were about as lame in the science content as the scene in X-Men when Storm asks what happens when a toad is struck by lightning, with the response of, “The same thing that happens to everything else”. One scene had Reed Richards was freezing himself to make sure he couldn’t stretch, Johnny Storm grabbed a girl to protect her from fire, despite him being fire himself, and bullshit like that. Some of the effects were cool I guess, but really not all that memorable.

 

Wolfman Moon Scale


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6 responses to “Fantastic Four (2005) [REVIEW]

  1. RUE MORGUE ripped you off! Just got the new issue and they review all ofthe Hellraisers. For no apparent reason too. You should sue for a free lifetime subscription.

  2. What!? Your shit is supposed to be funny? Forward what to them? My comment? Sure, I guess. They probably have one of them “websites” that the kids are so into nowadays.

    • Dude….that was harsh. Also, I’m glad these comments are being left on the Fantastic Four review, and hopefully everyone gets confused. I guess no one wants to talk about Jessica Alba 😦

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