Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007) [REVIEW]

Did you really expect me to watch the first one and not watch the second one? What are you, dumb or retarded? I guess I am the retarded one because I also own this on DVD, along with the first. My initial plan to see this film happened to coincide with another road trip I was taking, this time with Beardy, and we were meeting up with Lazer and Steve-o Beevo in Chicago. The four of us were going to see it one night, but then I think we got distracted and ate pizza. While walking around with Beardy and Lazer the next day, we got a call from Steve-o Beevo who had JUST FUCKING SEEN IT WITHOUT US. WHAT A COCK. The three of us were too distraught to go see it without him, even as an act of revenge, so I didn’t see it until the trip was over, and I saw it alone. How sad.

In the words of Rampaige, Johnny Storm is about to get “choke slammed to Hell”.

We have all the same actors portraying the same characters, and since I just listed who those people were, I don’t feel like listing them again. Reed Richards and Sue Storm and finally tying the knot, but shit keeps getting in the way, like saving the world. In response to these two getting married, we have to deal with the shitty subplot about Johnny Storm fucking too many girls and not having a girlfriend. Whaaa??? When the wedding officially starts getting underway, the military interrupts because there is some sort of cosmic disturbance that looks like some sort of silver guy on a surfboard or something. Johnny takes after him, only to get beaten like a pussy in outer space. One thing that Johnny takes with him is a little bit of the Silver Surfer‘s power cosmic, which means that after he touches his teammates, he is able to swap powers with them.

WHERE DO YOU GET YOUR HAIR DONE, THE TRASH STORE?! Hahahaha, get it? Because her hair looks shitty and weird?

Meanwhile, Dr. Doom is back to his old tricks and wants to take the surfer’s board in order to elevate his own powers. The government hires the four friends and Dr. Dickwad to figure out how to capture the surfer, which they succeed in. But guess what? Dr. Doom double-crosses them! Now the surfer and the friend squad are being held captive, and the surfer, real name Norrin Radd, reveals that he is a herald for an intergalactic enemy named Galactus that is on his way to destroy the planet. Norrin appears to be devoid of emotion, but the subtle seduction of Sue Storm shows him there is a reason to not be a dickhead, so with the Fantastic Four‘s help, they all escape to get the surfboard back from Dr. Doom. Remember when I talked about power absorption? Well there is a shitty piece of dialogue about “Oh man, we can’t take Victor down, not even all four us are strong enough! BUT WAIT…what if all four of us combine into ONE OF US…HOLY SHIT WE DID IT.” So lame. They get the board back, but not without Sue Storm dying. WHOOPS. The Surfer gets his board back and goes to fight Galactus. I know what you’re thinking, and yes, Galactus is this giant guy wearing purple with arms and legs and hands and a helmet. In this movie? He is a giant storm? Or cloud? Some bullshit like that. The Silver Surfer fights the cloud and I guess kills it, and when he gets back to Earth is able to save sexy Sue Storm swiftly, Silver Surfer, Sufjan Stevens, superb! Sorry, I like S’s. Then Reed and Sue get married, once again having Brian Posehn as the priest. Cool!

Norrin Radd getting all Matrix-y and shit with the melty building

With a sequel, you generally have to raise the stakes a little bit, which this movie did, which worked in some ways and in some ways didn’t. There was less of a focus on Sue and Reed in this one, and a little bit more on Johnny, so clearly the filmmakers understood the stronger performances. However, Reed and Sue also seemed to be even shittier in this movie than they were in the previous one. And I’m not one to nitpick or anything, but Jessica Alba’s hair LOOKED LIKE SHIT. I mean, we get it, Sue is always portrayed as blonde, and in the first one, she was a brunette with highlights, which was fine. And now it was fucking bleach blonde horse hair that I knew even before meeting Rampaige was shitty and gross. Not that Rampaige has shitty, gross hair, but she never shuts up about fucking hair, she’s a psycho. If the movie was a rehash of the first, it would get the same score as the first one would, since the positive and negative changes balance out. What made this film a more interesting one was the addition of the Silver Surfer, mostly just because his scenes looked pretty cool. Not his storyline necessarily, but seeing the effects of him flying around and fighting things was kind of cool. Slightly better than the first, but still shouldn’t be too upset for skipping.

Wolfman Moon Scale

Amazon DVD

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