Fast Five (2011) [REVIEW]

 

I really don’t know how the fuck to review this movie. What do you expect from a piece of shit like this? Normally, this is the part where I explain why I went to see this movie. The reason why? PEER PRESSURE. I saw the first movie when it came out, in theaters, and then didn’t watch parts two and three. When part four came out, my friends Nate and Tyler said we should go see it, which I thought was funny, seeing as they were being facetious. It turns out, they weren’t seeing it facetiously, and fucking loved it. I remembered Paul Walker jumping out of a window at some point, and that at the end they were racing fast cars through tunnels or caves or something. I went into this one concerned I would be confused, then I realized I should be more confused for thinking I might be confused with a Fast and the Furious movie.

 

“NOW I’M IN YOUR FACE, BRO!”

The first five minutes show Paul Walker and Jordana Brewster using cars to break Vin Diesel out of a prison bus. I guess he disappears, because when they go to Brazil, or some other godforsaken place in South America (I already forgot where), he isn’t there yet! The two of them set up a deal to steal cars from off of a train, by cutting a hole in the train and sucking the cars out the side and onto a moving flatbed dune buggy? Huh? Apparently Vin Diesel shows up and I think he punches stuff or something, and then we find out that the deal has gone sour and Paul Walker and Vin Diesel need to escape! They escape into a convertible and then drive the convertible off of a cliff and into a river, but not before surfing it and then jumping out? What? Things happen and things happen, and they plan one giant heist, but need to bring together a crack team! That’s when Ludacris and a whole bunch of other people show up and act like I know who they are. Oh, also, The Rock is sent after them to destroy them. He has a goatee and is walking tall (get it?!) and trying to act like a badass. There’s a good 45-50 minutes of things involving cars and punching, I can’t really remember, but somehow The Rock joins the team to help them with a heist, which involves using two cars, yeah that’s right…TWO…CARS…to steal a vault from a wall. How the fuck can two normal cars, of normal strength and power, be strong enough to drive through the streets of a crowded city, without everyone losing control and crashing everything? Somehow they did it, and The Rock didn’t get mad, and everyone lives happily ever after. Yay!

 

Hold on, lemme just put on some Limp Bizkit before jumping off of this surfboard car…

How the fuck does one even begin to objectively judge this movie? I mean, I didn’t want to see it in the first place, so I’m off to a bad start. I guess if you like these kinds of movies, it wasn’t terrible? I guess? It wasn’t as awesome or ridiculous as movies like Crank or Shoot ‘Em Up or Punisher: War Zone, but it was definitely crazy. I don’t know, I’m sick of thinking about this movie, so I’m going to stop. I guess that if you weren’t interested in seeing this movie in the first place, skip it, but if they play it on a plane or bus, or when it finally hits Netflix Instant or HBO, there are worse things you could watch.

 

Wolfman Moon Scale


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5 responses to “Fast Five (2011) [REVIEW]

  1. It is good to know that there are worse things that i could watch The only way I could have liked your final sentence more is if you added “on acid”. In fact, all reviews are better if they include that phrase.

    • You’ve been in Kankakee too long, where the official sandwich is acid! The official sandwich of Massachusetts is a fluffernutter. DO people in the midwest know what a fluffernutter is?

      • Of course we know what fluffernutter is. It’s peanut butter and disgusting glop on bread. And I’ll have you know, the official sandwich of K3 is crystal meth and miracle whip on generic white bread.

  2. I was approached at the local mall last week by this weird advertising/marketing team who were willing to reimburse me the cost of the movie ticket plus extra (it was like 2% or something) if I were to see this movie that same night. I was basically offered money to see this movie, and I turned it down. This fake story is how I feel about this movie and the others like it. But I did see the first installment back when it was called “Point Break” (thank you, David Spade).

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