FUCK. THIS. SHITTY. MOVIE.  I know this is normally the part where I explain to readers why I watched a movie, but I really don’t know how I can get into anything like that when I am still so pissed at the time I spent watching this movie. I did consider going to see this in theaters when it came out last year, being the first film Wes Craven had written and directed since New Nightmare, so it couldn’t be that bad, right? Oh, it can be bad, it can be REALLY fucking bad. It’s almost like he took every single nugget of an idea he has had for a scary movie since the last one and just fucking tossed them all together, not giving a fuck that it was nonsense. I guess before I get any further, I should attempt to tell you what the fuck it was about.

Teenagers? In the woods? Nothing good can come of this!

The film starts with some sort of insanely filmed segment where we learn about a serial killer, referred to as the “Ripper”, but no one knows who it is. We, the audience, learns it’s some guy who has mental issues and split personalities and hallucinations, and everyone is fucking confused as to what happens. The cops show up after he kills his pregnant wife, and while shooting him down and transporting him to a hospital, the ambulance explodes and the body of the Ripper kind of disappears…or something. We then see a gathering of a bunch of high school kids in the woods and learn that it’s 16 years after the events of the opening scene. Supposedly it’s the anniversary of the Ripper getting apprehended so that day is now haunted or something? More importantly, seven teenagers were born on this day of the Ripper’s disappearance! Spooky! Also, there is now some sort of legend to all the shit going on, but it doesn’t make much sense.

OMG the scary knife has the word “VEGEANCE” written on it. That like, totally adds depth to the murderer!

The seven teens born on “Ripper Day” are all a bunch of cocksuckers and I can’t stand looking at them, so luckily one of them is killed by someone dressed as the Ripper. Another one of the seven, nicknamed “Bug”, is the main character we follow, mostly because he has schizophrenia and gets bullied by another one of the seven. There’s this scene in a classroom where Bug and another one of the seven (no, none of them deserve to be named, in my opinion) have made a giant California condor puppet thing that pukes and shits all over the bully. You get the impression that this condor puppet will have some sort of significance because of how elaborate it is, but it doesn’t. It doesn’t show up in the movie again. We get to see the “hot” girl from the seven being confronted by the bully from the seven, and he tries forcing her into giving him a blowjob in the woods. Sadly, she runs away? Then we find out that Bug was the son of the Ripper and he was the baby in the stomach of the pregnant Ripper wife in the beginning of the movie. Someone determines that either the Ripper is still alive, or that the Ripper’s soul is in one of the seven, and we learn that it was Bug’s friend, who tries to kill Bug, only to get killed first, and then the movie is over or something?

This is what you get for not giving blow jobs in the woods! STRANGLED BY CREEP HANDS!

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THIS BULLSHIT ABOUT. Whose fucking idea was it to make this movie almost two hours long? There are so many ridiculous ideas and concepts that I can’t even keep track of how much fucking time was wasted trying to set up the mythology of the movie. And to be COMPLETELY honest, I couldn’t finish this movie. I got about an hour and fifteen minutes into it, and rather than staying awake for another thirty minutes, decided I’d rather sleep, and never finish this movie, because it doesn’t deserve it. I only found out the ending through Wikipedia, and it looks as though I made a wise decision on that one. Considering how many shitty movies I watch, the fact that this is one that I just couldn’t bring myself to finish should say a lot.

I mean, this is kind of creepy, right?

Within the first 45 minutes or so, I thought the movie sucked, but there were a few interesting visuals. The aesthetics of the Ripper character were kind of scary, so I didn’t want to judge the movie. The classroom scene with the condor was relatively creepy, assuming that it would show up later in the movie with any sort of purpose, and then it didn’t. I really can’t recommend this movie to anyone, for any reason, because it’s just not fucking worth it. Even if there were a handful of cool shots, that in no way justifies having to watch 16-year-olds, which is a term I use loosely, run around with shitty to deliver pointless dialogue, resulting in an underwhelming payoff, making it a completely disrespectful installment in Wes Craven’s legacy. Although, now that I’m looking through all the shit he’s written, there’s only a handful of movies I think are entertaining, and the rest is shit. Fuck this movie right in its shitty fucking face. Goddammit.

Wolfman Moon Scale