I am including two different posters for this movie not because that bitch from Twilight is some super hottie or whatever, I just thought it was hilarious that they used the same exact picture and just changed the outfits. Whether or not the picture was even originally of that bitch from Twilight is probably up for debate, and maybe they just photoshopped her face right on there. According to Netflix, I’ve seen this movie before. I know what you’re asking, you’re asking how I could have seen it and not remembered it. Well how the fuck should I know the answer to that question? I have vague memories of watching it while at work and just poking my head into the theater sporadically, but I don’t think I actually watched it start to finish. I remember that bitch from Twilight was in it and remember it had something to do with ghosts on a farm, but what movie DIDN’T have ghosts on a farm in 2007? Wasn’t there one with Buffy that year too, in addition to the sequel to The Grudge? Goddammit, why are there so many movies that are exactly the same?

I forgot to mention that Dylan McDermott Mulrooney is in this. Hahaha get it? I combined two actors’ names because they are similar! Oh that was a good one.

Kristen Stewart (that Twilight bitch) is moving to a new house in the country with her family. If you want to know what the house looks like, just close your eyes and picture the most haunted looking house that you can, and this is what that house looks like. After being at the house a while and finding frustrations in not knowing how to fucking farm, the toddler of the family appears to be seeing things. I should mention that the taglines and trailers of this movie imply that little kids can see things that others can’t. Also, people watching a movie can see things that characters in the movie can’t, because it’s not fucking real life and there aren’t any rules. Anyways, a good farmer guy stops by the house and offers his assistance because he is so awesome at being a farmer. The longer the family is there, the more and more that Twilight bitch starts seeing weird ghost stuff. We then learn that her parents don’t trust or believe her because the reason they moved to the country was because she got into an accident while driving drunk, depleting their resources. What a bitch. Twilight bitch then makes the discovery that the ghosts she is seeing are the former residents that were murdered, and they were murdered by the farm helper guy! Noooo!!! Apparently he used to live there and when his crops failed, he killed his family. He snaps and starts trying to kill the current resident family, but the ghosts swoop in and kill him in dirt before he can hurt anyone else. I guess then the family has good crops or whatever and everyone is happy.

Holy shit, I forgot about this part. There’s a stain on the wall that the mom keeps washing, but just keeps getting worse and worse every day. Then, a fucking ghost comes out of the stain. There must be a dead body behind that stain, right? NOPE. NOTHING RELATIVE TO ANYTHING OTHER THAN IT WAS A STAIN ON SHITTY WALLPAPER. That’s annoying.

IF YOU FUCKING MURDERED YOUR FAMILY AND NEVER TOLD ANYONE, WHY WOULD YOU GO BACK THERE TO HANG OUT?! Fuck. Had they made it a little more clear as to how this guy didn’t remember any of it, I might have let it slide, but did you really need to make it that obvious? Granted, you didn’t necessarily think he was an asshole when you were introduced to him, and it was somewhat of a surprise that he had murdered his family, but why couldn’t he have gone next door? Maybe this guy was murdering people all over town and it didn’t matter which farm he was helping, but it seems like if he was aware of his murderous past, he wouldn’t go back to hang out where he murdered the shit out of everyone. But if he had no idea, it would have made a little bit more sense to give some backstory as to why this guy was wandering around the countryside looking for work by showing up at people’s houses. Other than that, I suppose it was a pretty typical contemporary haunted house story where we find out the ghosts aren’t trying to hurt anyone, but rather warn them or whatever. They also really never followed through on the importance of the little kid seeing things, because his older sister, who wasn’t a baby, also saw stuff. A little misleading, I guess, but it’s not like the promotional materials made it sound like a unique or original ghost story. Nothing too awful about this movie, but also nothing that warrants a repeat viewing.

Wolfman Moon Scale