Boogeyman (2005) [REVIEW]

 

This movie has been taunting my from our DVD collection for years now. I don’t own it, but Rampaige does. You know how when you’re at Blockbuster and are trying to take advantage of their 4 movies for $20 deal? And you find two movies you want but need to grab some other shit that might not be terrible? Well, she fell victim to that bargain and now we have Boogeyman in our collection. I’ve wanted to get rid of it, but not without watching it first. Rampaige knew how shitty it was and wouldn’t allow me to watch it in front of her, so I drugged her. Wait, I probably shouldn’t have admitted to that. Oh well, at least you guys have a new review to read, thanks to slipping her a Mickey!

 

Neither my favorite 7th Heaven cast member nor my favorite Deschanel. Can’t win ’em all, I guess.

The opening scene shows a little boy in bed who is trying to go to sleep, but he keeps thinking he sees a figure, most likely the “Boogeyman“, until his father comes in and tells the kid to stop being a shithead. The Boogeyman then beats the shit out of the dad and sucks him into the closet or something. When the kid grows up, he turns into that dude from 7th Heaven. I thought his name was Barry Bostwick, but it’s not, it’s actually Barry Watson. As an adult, he’s still terrified of closets and what’s under his bed, and when his mother dies, he needs to go back home and hopes to confront his fears. He sees his old lady friend that looks like Zooey Deschanel had her faced bashed in with a shovel, and is played by Emily Deschanel. After trying to figure out whether he hallucinated what happened to his dad or if it really happened, Barry’s character finds a young girl who was also tormented by the Boogeyman. Apparently the Boogeyman can travel from any closet or under any mattress to any other closet or under any mattress, the same exact fucking way things worked in the movie Little Monsters. Eventually the Boogeyman is tracked down in Barry’s old bedroom, and after some sort of “fight” or something, the Boogeyman gets kicked back to where he came from, and I think the movie left it at that. STUPID.

 

I was surprised to learn that Ben Templesmith had a hand in the concept art for this movie. Even more surprising was learning how none of his terrifying aesthetics were successfully incorporated into the film.

What a piece of shit. I have to admit, I was kind of excited to watch this movie, especially after seeing that it was produced by Sam Raimi. Then I remembered that Sam Raimi also produced Dance of the Dead, and that movie sucked too. Have you guys seen that movie Darkness Falls that came out in 2003? It was shitty, but it took the idea of the Tooth Fairy, gave her a real backstory, and made her a witchy cunt. I thought maybe we’d get the same with this movie, but they gave no fucking reason as to who or what the Boogeyman was or why it existed. There were moments where I thought they had something interesting, where maybe this little kid came up with the idea of a Boogeyman to try to make sense of something psychologically disturbing. Maybe there was a serial killer in this kids closet who killed the father, but being a little kid, pretended it was a “Boogeyman”. But nope, nothing, no backstory as to what the main “villain” was, and now I get to throw this thing out the fucking window.

 

Wolfman Moon Scale


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