House of Bones (2010) [REVIEW]

 

I wish that there was a warning on Netflix (or should I say Qwikster?) that warned me about movies that were made by SyFy. Based on this movie’s description, I figured it’d be bad, but there’s a certain special kind of sad when it comes to movies made by SyFy. The effects are going to be terrible, the actors are going to have some sort of connection to something popular while still being registered as C or D list celebrities, and it will just be bad. I wish that they’d stick to things like “Shark-o-bot vs. Gator-ade vs. Octo-brainzilla” so we at least know it’s supposed to be terrible. STOP TRICKING ME INTO THINKING YOUR SHITTY SYFY MOVIES ARE JUST REGULAR SHITTY MOVIES GODDAMMIT!

 

Charisma Carpenter‘s fashion decisions reminded me of Kris Williams from Ghost Hunters. Kris Williams forehead reminds me of Olivia Wilde‘s forehead. Through the transitive property, Charisma Carpenter’s fashion decisions remind me of Olivia Wilde’s forehead.

A new TV show about hunting ghosts, called “Sinister Sites”, is losing viewers, so the crew decide to investigate some sort of house that is supposedly super-super haunted. In addition to the regular team of investigators, this time they are joined by a psychic, played by Charisma Carpenter. You might kind of remember her for her roles on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, or Veronica Mars. You don’t remember her for anything else for any reason. This investigation starts uncovering the fact that yes, the house IS haunted, and it appears as though the house is alive. Apparently the man who originally built the house was interested in voodoo and thought he would delay his death by having human remains built into the foundation and walls of the house. Sadly, this resulted in the house being alive, and now it’s attempting to kill the investigators. It is determined that the house needs a caretaker to feed it dead people, and one of the crew members goes crazy and kills everyone else, including Charisma Carpenter. We then get to see the future, where this guy lives in the house and invites people to stay, presumably to be killed and sacrificed to the house. Oh yeah, and that guy from Parker Lewis Can’t Lose was in it.

 

YOU TWO WILL NEVER BE STEVE GONSALVES AND DAVE TANGO! And this isn’t a race thing.

Uhhhh, okay. If you say so. Though this movie isn’t quite as awful as Scream of the Banshee or Goblin, this movie still wasn’t good. At all. I would say that the only thing it did that could be considered “good” by any stretch of the imagination was parody Ghost Hunters with their fictional ghost hunting team. From the graphics on their shirts to the fake opening credit sequence, it was quite similar to Ghost Hunters, so I guess that was kind of funny? I did find it strange that they were using Ghost Hunters as their example to parody when SyFy are the ones who show Ghost Hunters. Maybe the reason they were mocking them is because of trademarks or copyrights or whatever allowed them to do so, but I still thought it was weird. Also, and maybe I know nothing about movies, I figure that any movie that stars a C or D list actress would try to take advantage of boners and find at least one scene to put them in their underwear or a bathing suit, but instead, Ms. Carpenter was wearing a sweat suit the whole time and puking/crying blood when things got intense. Guess I’ll never be a major Hollywood player like those folks over at SyFy!

 

Wolfman Moon Scale


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5 responses to “House of Bones (2010) [REVIEW]

    • I still can’t bring myself to care at all about seeing The Expendables. Not trying to say I am a better person than you or anything, but, well…okay yes, that IS what I’m saying, you Expendable-loving hippy!

  1. Pingback: House of Bones (2010) « The Wolfman Cometh | Haunting Investigations·

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