Not to be one of those “I saw this movie before you had even heard of it” kinds of guys, but, that’s what happened with the first movie. See! Look! I reviewed it way back on May 10, 2010! Incredible, huh? Well, that post brought me a shitload (pun intended) of traffic, so I figured I owed it to you guys to watch the second installment. I had seen the posters, and I saw one trailer, but that trailer didn’t teach me anything. Did you see that trailer where there were people in a truck watching the movie, acting all grossed out? Yeah, that’s the trailer I saw. I’m quite proud of myself for avoiding all of the “attention” this movie was getting, and avoiding the “hype”, so I could watch it with an open mind. Let’s also not forget that I wasn’t really all that disgusted by the first film, nor was I too big of a fan of it. Oh yeah, and luckily I got to this screening early enough to get a complimentary Human Centipede II barf bag and staple remover. Add me on Twitter to see those pictures! And before I get going, this review will be pretty spoiler-filled, since I’m not sure how many of my readers will subject themselves to sitting down and watching this. You’ve been warned.

Close your eyes and picture the type of person who staples people together, butthole to mouth. Now open your eyes. HERE HE IS! Also, how did you read my instructions to open your eyes if they were closed?

This film starts off right where the first film (supposedly) leaves off, with the three-segmented human centipede that we all know and love. After watching the ending of the previous film, we also see the credits start to roll, only to realize that we were watching someone watching the movie. Whoa! CRISS ANGEL MINDFREAK! That person, played by Laurence R. Harvey, is a parking garage attendant who is seemingly obsessed with this film. So much so that when he goes to “assist” a couple having car trouble, he smashes them on their heads, duct tapes them, and tosses them in the back of his truck so he can relive the events of his favorite film. Through some drawings he’s made in his journal, we see that he is planning on making a human centipede with twelve segments, instead of just three. To say that Harvey’s character, named Martin, has a shitty home life, would be an understatement. His mother yells at him, he is tormented by an upstairs neighbor, and we also learn through some audio flashback sequences that he was sexually molested as a child by his father. And Martin just kind of looks like he is mildly retarded, which is something his tormentors make sure to frequently point out. The only one who truly seems to care for him is his pet centipede, in the sense that the pet centipede is the only one not calling him a fat retard. Maybe it would if it could speak English, or use sign language, or maybe draw a picture, but it can’t do that because it’s a fucking centipede.

EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW.

After his mother attempts to stab him in his sleep, and he bashes her face in with a crowbar, Martin eventually gathers twelve subjects which he has placed, naked, in a garage he is renting. The last person he has acquired is special, having traveled to London, where Martin lives, after he tricks her into thinking she is auditioning for a Tarantino movie. Who is this mystery actress? Well, it’s none other than Ashlynn Yennie, star of the first film! This shit is getting meta. Unfortunately, two of the subjects for the centipede die before construction, which includes one woman who was pregnant. With Martin not being an actual doctor, he relies on smashing in the subjects’ teeth with a hammer, cutting their butts open with kitchen knives, and attaching them together with a staple gun and some duct tape. Remember when I said the pregnant lady was dead? Well, she wasn’t, and as she makes her escape into a nearby car, she shits out her baby onto the floor. Sadly, the baby slips under the gas pedal, and in hopes of escaping Martin, stomps on the gas pedal and crushes her baby, right in the fucking head. It was like the whole thing was a soft spot. Back inside, Martin rips out the tongue of the centipede head, which happens to be the lucky Ms. Yennie. And since it seems as though the members of the centipede were having bowel issues, he gives them all a laxative, and they, surprisingly, start having explosive diarrhea out of one butt and into the next mouth, over and over and over and over and over–you get the idea. It seems at least one member of the centipede is unhappy with this, so he rips out the staples in his face, and we now have two centipedes with five people on each. The back-end centipede tries to escape, so martin starts shooting them in the head, and in the distracting escape, the front-end, whose head was Ashlynn Yennie, grabs Martin’s pet centipede and a funnel and shoves it in his butthole. I mean, seriously, you really think it’s that easy to grab a centipede? I DON’T THINK SO. As Martin grabs his stomach and cries, we then cut back to Martin in the parking garage as we saw him in the beginning, because it was all a fucking dream. ARE YOU GODDAMNED KIDDING ME?!

Poor, poor Ashlynn Yennie. And here you thought you could be involved in something other than people attached to your buttholes.

How the fuck do I even begin to analyze this movie like it’s some actual thing? I guess I’ll just diarrhea out of my fingers and onto the keyboard and see if there’s anything coherent afterwards. Not knowing that the director, Tom Six, would take this film in a self-reflexive direction, I was pleasantly surprised to see that this film was based on a viewer of the original film. I couldn’t see how there would have been a sequel to the first, given its ending. The thing that was so fucked up about the first movie was the concept, as opposed to the actual things portrayed onscreen. When people would talk about how disgusting the movie was, I knew they couldn’t have actually seen what the film had shown. This movie, however, was as graphic and disturbing as what everyone had imagined the first film was. To see ten instances of explosive diarrhea coming from the seams of human skin that were stapled together, to baby headcrushing, to teeth being hammered out of someone’s throat, I can admit that this was pretty fucking brutal. Far more brutal than anything in the first. Another difference between this film and the previous was that rather than an evil surgeon, it was an overweight, aesthetically challenged individual, who may or may not have actual physical or mental disabilities. I saw this with JD and he claimed that this caused sympathetic feelings towards him, and I was frustrated with those sympathies. Whether you want your torturer sympathetic or not is debatable, but that’s what you’ll get with this villain. Oh yeah, I totally just remembered that he jerked off with sandpaper at one point. How could I forget!?

“I’M SO EXCITED! I’M SO EXCITED! I’M…SO…SCAAAAREDDDDDDDD WAH WAH I’M JESSIE SPANO!!!”

As you can see from all of the photos I’ve posted from this movie, you might notice that it was in black and white. I had no idea! This is another topic that JD and I debated. Considering how many times the name “Tarantino” was used, I had assumed that Tom Six was doing with this film what Tarantino had done with segments of Kill Bill Vol. 1, which was tone down the intensity of the violence by losing all of the color saturation. This way, when we see someone gargling his own blood and someone pulling teeth out of that bloody orifice, the censors won’t be as cranky. JD argued that Tom Six intentionally wanted it to be in black and white, because he’s an “artist”. I forgot to leave out a crucial ingredient in the black and white-ness…have you guy’s seen Schindler’s List? Remember how everything was black and white, except for the girl in the red coat? Well, just like in Schindler’s List, everything in this film was black and white, except for…wait for it…THE BROWNISH GREEN DIARRHEA. Yes, that’s right folks, I just compared Schindler’s List to The Human Centipede II. If you have seen this movie, or have an opinion of your own on why he did this, I’d encourage you to leave a comment. This movie really wasn’t for me, but I was glad to see it going above and beyond the graphic nature of the first, and if you are a fan of brutal violence and have a scatological predisposition, you might like this…you sick fucking weirdo.

Wolfman Moon Scale