With all of the insane movies that have been released over the past few years, it seems quite tame to have a movie involving zombies and strippers. But at the time it came out, it certainly garnered a lot of attention. Not only were there zombie strippers, but it also managed to combine one of the most famous pornstars, Jenna Jameson, with one of the biggest names in horror, Robert Englund. I saw this when it first came out and was somewhat entertained, but why am I reviewing it now, three years after its release? Well, when I first got a Blu-ray player, I was really excited about Blu-rays. This movie was on sale for ten bucks, so I took that plunge and bought it. I looked at it on my shelf the other day, and realized I haven’t watched it again, nor did I have a desire to watch it. Before I traded it in, I gave it another watch to see if I had wasted my money, and that’s why I’m reviewing it. And just so I don’t keep you guys in suspense, I did sell it, because once you’ve seen zombie stripper boobs in 1080p, there’s no reason to relive the experience.

Not that I’ve ever, EVER seen Jenna Jameson in any other type of movie, but she was disgustingly skinny in this movie. Well, except her tits, those were still huge.

At some sort of scientific laboratory, there is research being done involving soldiers or zombies…or something. An elite military squad comes in to put an end to madness, but one zombie is able to escape. Where does he seek refuge? A strip club, of course! Not just any strip club, but a shitty strip club, owned by Robert Englund where Jenna Jameson is the main attraction. Granted, those aren’t the character’s names, but did you really care about their names? Jameson’s character gets attacked by the zombie and turns into one, but has enough competency and flexibility to go and strip anyway. This bitch strips like she’s never stripped before, and the crowd goes wild. The other strippers take note, and offer themselves up to turn into zombies. Eventually there are a shit ton of zombies, stripper and non-stripper varieties, and luckily the military squad from the beginning comes in to save the remaining non-zombies. It is then discovered that this whole ordeal was orchestrated by George W. Bush in an effort to distract Americans from the shitty war situation. So political!

I will never, ever get sick of seeing how movies portray a character that’s “goth”. It’s so awesome.

Maybe I am using the term “political satire” a little too freely, because “satire” generally implies there could be something funny about it. And when you put in a movie called Zombie Strippers, I don’t think anyone, ANYONE is looking to see some witty, political satire. The “satire” isn’t prevalent throughout, but it was pretty heavy-handed in its delivery. Of course, you also don’t expect subtlety about anything, but it was painfully sophomoric and childish, which really started the movie off poorly. Considering this movie was released 7 1/2 years into an 8 year presidential run, there was nothing original or entertaining about it, and was less funny than anything you could have seen on Saturday Night Live. Maybe I am looking too much into this stuff, and it was really meant to just be a one-off joke from the filmmakers, but considering the film is bookended by this humor, as well as the reveal about the plot being based on a shitty president, it was really just unnecessary.

Even the army lady couldn’t help herself from stripping! It’s infectious! Like herpes!

Ignoring the first and last five minutes of the movie, it is everything you anticipate it to be and, well, neither more nor less of anything. You get to see lots of boobs, including a weird, Skeletor-looking Jenna Jameson, as well as a plethora of other nameless and forgettable strippers. The humor was about as creative as any entry into the Scary Movie franchise. Robert Englund was pretty entertaining, as always, and played a character that is slightly different from what we usually see him play. You’d think that the biggest focus for the filmmakers would be getting A+ jugs to bounce around, and I’m not saying they didn’t do their job well, I was far more impressed with the special effects. A lot of the “special effects” with CGI were kind of lame and the thing you’d expect from a movie like this, but I think the makeup effects on all of the zombies was pretty cool, especially when the effects have to compete onscreen against boobs. Oh yeah, and there was some weird fight where Jenna Jameson shoves billiard balls into her genitals and then squeezes the inner walls of her cavernous vagina with enough force to shoot them out. Kind of funny, but also made my vagina hurt. WAIT…I DON’T HAVE A VAGINA. If campy, gory, silly zombie movies are your thing, you might be a bigger fan of this than I was, but as far as that “genre” is concerned, I’d say it sets the bar. It doesn’t set it very high, but gives a pretty good archetype to follow.

Wolfman Moon Scale