Strippers vs. Werewolves (2012) [REVIEW]

A few years ago I had the opportunity to attend the Wizard World convention, featuring a cavalcade of C and D List celebrities. Having media credentials, I got to attend the “Red Carpet Event”, with the headliners being people like Vivica A. Fox, the kids from Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory, and a bunch of former wrestlers. Hopefully that gives you and idea of the caliber of celebrity being brought in at the convention. I kept my eyes out for any horror related people attending the convention, and the name that jumped out at me was Barbara Nedeljakova. That name might not jump out at you, but her character of “Hot Naked Brunette European Seductress” from Hostel might be a little bit more memorable. Wanting to be able to talk to her about something, I quickly looked at IMDb to see movies she had coming out, and the only one that really seemed worth talking about was Strippers vs. Werewolves. When I asked whether she was playing a stripper or a werewolf, she laughed and said “both”. She then touched my arm and invited me to her hotel room, but since she had a super thick accent it sounded more like “Security! Help! This man is honking my boobs!” to everyone nearby. I guess this movie has just kind of bugged me ever since then, since it took two years from that conversation to the movie being released here in U.S. The time has come for me to be bored enough to review it. Enjoy!

“We didn’t have money to do anything more than make a hairy face, so, uh…he’s an URBAN werewolf!”

There’s this sexy stripper lady or whatever dancing like a naked person in some room with a bunch of curtains hanging from the wall. This gives a dude a wolf boner or something so he starts turning into a werewolf. When the stripper lady tries to defend herself, she stabs him with the only thing she had on her, which was something made out of silver. THE WEREWOLF BONER DUDE HAD BEEN KILLED! I think her boyfriend or something helps dispose of the body, but he still has a boner so there’s a HILARIOUS scene of a guy putting the boner body into his trunk and a bunch of the strippers are punching it. HILARIOUS. I guess that werewolf who was killed has some werewolf friends that realize their friend has been killed, so they start trying to track down who murdered this guy. The funny thing is (and I use the term “funny” loosely) is that the lead werewolf is actually dating the girl who killed his friend! Oh man, that’s quite the sticky situation. I think the boyfriend realizes it was his girlfriend that did it though, but the pack of werewolves are still trying to kill off everyone involved in the incident. I don’t really remember why, but Robert Englund pops up as some sort of important werewolf and gives advice on how to kill all of the strippers. The stripper girlfriend and werewolf boyfriend eventually learn the secret the other had been keeping, and since the girlfriend knows the werewolves are coming for her and her stripping pals, the strippers booby trap (nice joke, Wolfie) the strip club in preparation. When the werewolves show up, there’s a showdown that ends with some of the strippers dying, all of the werewolves getting killed, but some of the strippers became werewolves and then they fight vampires. OH GREAT, THAT WAS WORTH WATCHING.

I mean if it’s called Strippers vs. Werewolves, I’m kind of obligated to include a picture of Barbara Nedeljakova as a stripper.

Similar to movies like Zombie Strippers! or Zombies! Zombies! Zombies!, Strippers vs. Werewolves unsuccessfully tries to combine horror, comedy, and sexploitation genres. I don’t know if I, or anyone else, actually considered for any amount of time that there could be anything entertaining about this movie, so it’s not like I thought it would be good or anything, it was just boring as shit. Yes, there were tits in it, along with scantily clad women. The only thing that Zombie Strippers had going for it was having a former porn star making some sort of attempt at acting, along with some serious pole dancing skills. Not that the women in this movie were unattractive or anything, it’s just, I don’t know, sometimes you actually DO want there to be a plot between women taking their clothes off. Also, one woman had a stripping scene and when she was about to take her top off, the movie cut to a cartoon of boobs, then cut back to her putting her top back on? WHAT THE FUCK? Did she have a non-nudity clause in her contract or something? How could anyone have a non-nudity clause in a movie called “Strippers vs. Werewolves”? WHY THE FUCK DID THAT HAPPEN?! The makeup for the werewolves was awful, and they mostly just looked like the makeup for the Whos from those live action Dr. Seuss movies. Especially when the strippers were supposed to be werewolves, I totally thought one of them was Jeffrey Tambor. The final showdown and booby trapping (hahaha, booby! I did it again!) scene at the club incorporated silver into the stiletto heels and used the club’s sound system to play a dog whistle type of noise to annoy the werewolves, so there were at least SOME aspects of the climax that related to them being strippers. Oh yeah, and when the werewolves show up, all the strippers are dressed like Little Red Riding Hood and strip dance long enough to give everyone a werewolf boner. Good job! I suppose that if you want to do some chores around your house and want to sporadically look on your TV to see tits, this movie might be worth putting on, but why do that when you have boobs on the internet?

Wolfman Moon Scale