That’s quite the titillating cover, isn’t it?! Hahaha, get it? Because you can basically see that woman’s tits? I remember seeing the poster for this movie and thinking it was going to be terrible and merely existed so that the girl on the cover had the opportunity to show off her knockers. A few weeks after seeing that poster, I was having lunch with my good pal JD and the old video store he used to frequent would watch fucked up movies on their TVs during open hours. Apparently they were watching a movie that was SO fucked up, they shut it off. That movie? Why, it was Cold Sweat, of course! Hopefully you saw that plot twist coming, otherwise it would have been a really boring story. Actually, that didn’t save it from being a boring story, but having heard about this movie twice in as many weeks and for different reasons was a good enough reason for me to watch it. Oh yeah, and as a warning, none of the actors have their pictures showing up on IMDb, so I was planning on using their names and character names, but I don’t really remember who was who or why. Oh well!

Is this what dentist’s see? Because this is disgusting. Now I know why they kill themselves so often.

After his girlfriend leaves him for some guy on the internet, our lead male character enlists one of his friends to set up the guy from the internet. These two go to the address of the internet guy, but when the girl goes in the house, she disappears. The guy goes in the house after her, only to find two old men keeping her and another woman captive. The woman who we haven’t met is forced to answer some crazy math equation, and when she fails, the two old men blow her head up with nitroglycerine. The woman we did meet is left alone with a bottle of acid on her head to keep her still. These two old men are using things like acid and nitroglycerine to try to encourage young people to get smarter? Or something? Anyways, the guy’s girlfriend is kept downstairs in the basement and is completely soaked with nitroglycerine. They need to get her out of there! For some reason they give her a haircut and take her clothes off so she doesn’t blow up, even after being chased by monster people who live in the basement. Uhhhh…okay. Eventually the trio of young folks are able to use acid and nitroglycerine to their advantage to escape these two old men, and we see that the boy rejects his girlfriend for the girl who helped him! Hoo-ray!

I know that Katy Perry wasn’t in this movie, but I did a double take with this picture. I’m talking about the one on the left, of course.

WHAT THE FUCK? This movie was all over the goddamned place. Every time you thought you had some sort of idea of what was going on, some new thing would pop up to confuse you and make you wonder what the fuck was happening. Who were these old guys? Why were they doing this? Who were those freaks in the basement? Why did they capture some blonde guy and force him to sit in front of a webcam to entice women? We’ll never know! But on the other hand, the only reason I was paying attention to the movie was to see if any of these questions were answered, or to see what crazy thing would happen next. There wasn’t anything all that good about the acting, directing, or writing, so at least the fact that this movie was such a clusterfuck was something to keep you engaged. Also, do any of you guys know much about nitroglycerine? If your body is covered in it, could you really blow up just from walking around? The “escape” sequence was so long and boring and not worth it. At least they determined one way to save her was to take her boobs out, and even that part was interrupted by freaks running around. Boobs and freaks, what more could you wish for!?

Wolfman Moon Scale