Skeleton Man (2004) [REVIEW]

 

It was probably a year or two ago when I was in a K-Mart and saw some horror movie collections for sale. They were $5 each and had four movies on them! How could I avoid such a great deal?! I think there was one DVD that had a movie I had heard of and thought I enjoyed, so that’s where that $5 went, but other than that, I think I just got kind of trigger happy about the amount of shitty movies I could own for such a great “deal”. Here I am now with 12 movies I’ve never seen, so I figured I’d at least try to get through most of them before deciding whether or not I should just throw them out. The first movie? Well obviously it’s Skeleton Man starring Michael Rooker and Casper Van Dien. Together at long last!

 

Rather than moving a dead guy out of the way, Skeleton Man prefers to reach his arm through the guy to grab a skull off the shelf behind him. You silly Skeleton Man!

Some dude gets all excited that he found some bones or skull or something of some Native American chief or something, but that excitement is quickly extinguished when some cloaked figure shows up and kills him and his wife and is generally an asshole. The weird thing about this figure? HIS FACE IS A SKULL FACE WHOA!!!! We then see two army dudes running around in the woods get killed by this skullface guy, and then see an entire squad of army people trying to find those first two dudes. This team is led by Michael Rooker and one of those team members is Casper Van Dien, and they are just wandering around the woods like dummies. They stumble across a blind Native American chief in the woods who tells them about some warrior who was a cocksucker who I guess we are to assume is the Skeleton Man or something? Whatever, it doesn’t make any sense, but Michael Rooker leads the Skeleton Dude into some factory and then blows it up and he thinks he’s won but then we see the Skeleton Guy riding a horse at the end so he’s obviously not dead.

 

Hahaha you can see his eyes under the mask! Also, that’s probably an arrow he borrowed from Hawkeye that is designed exclusively to take down helicopters.

Maybe I completely blanked out during this segment, but I don’t think there was any rhyme or reason as to why the Skeleton Man started doing all this shit. What did the army guys or the bone hunter guy do to him? Nothing, I don’t think. Even if there was some sort of reason as to why any of this was happening, I don’t think a movie should have relied on ONE piece of dialogue to explain it, because if there was, I missed it. This movie was total garbage, and not even Michael Rooker could save it. The actors were all pretty terrible, the special effects were cheap, and the villain just looked like a dude wearing a mask purchased at any run of the mill Halloween store. Compared to some of the other movies on these DVDs, at least this was laughably bad as opposed to just incredibly dull. For example, there’s one scene where there are helicopters trying to kill the Skeleton Man but he shoots them with an arrow and that causes the helicopter to crash. AN ARROW. CRASHED A HELLICOPTER. Also, even though these are army men, they’re all communicating with one another through cell phones? I assume that even prop walkie talkies were too expensive, so they just had some Zack Morris cell phones to orchestrate all these military operations. Oh yeah! And there’s a scene where each member of the Army team is introducing themselves to one another and at the same time they are being introduced to the audience through their name popping up on screen. Did that make sense? As an example, one character would say, “I’M CAPTAIN FUCKBRAIN AND I’M THE GARBAGEMAN,” at the same moment the words CAPTAIN FUCKBRAIN and GARBAGEMAN would pop up on screen. Pretty awful, but it might be worth stopping on a channel playing this movie just to laugh at the absurdity of it all.

 

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