Jack Frost (1997) [REVIEW]

TIT’S THE REASON, AM I RIGHT GUYS? That’s the thing people say? Tit’s the season? Okay guys I am just making jokes around here, okay? Since it is now December and we are getting closer and closer to Christmas, I figured it was time to review a movie that I never really wanted to sit down and watch because of how stupid it looked. When I was asking around on the internets and when I was looking at lists of best Christmas movies, Jack Frost kept popping up! I figured that if so many people were trying to tell me I should watch it to get in the spirit, maybe there was something there that made the movie worth it. Luckily, it was on Netflix Instant! Wahoo! Those guys should start paying me for all the promotion I do for them. Also, I love Michael Keaton! I’m happy to watch ANY movie he’s in, especially this movie where he is a dad who dies and turns into a snowman and says the phrase “I’m da snow-man!” or something.

This guy isn’t dead, he’s just chill-axing!!!!! I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THIS MOVIE!

After a voiceover tells the story of a murderer named Jack Frost, we see the aforementioned criminal being transported to prison. The car crashes, with it being winter and ice going crazy all over everything, and Jack is killed. Luckily, the prison truck crashed into a truck carrying some sort of science experiment involving mutation or nuclear radiation or whatever, it doesn’t really matter. Point is, Jack’s body combines with the magic goop coming out of this truck and the snow surrounding him, basically turning him in Sandman from the Spider-Man comics, but instead of sand, it’s snow. A killer snowman! He goes on a murderous rampage in a nearby town, and there are a LOT of snow/ice related puns. The local law enforcement try melting him, but obviously that doesn’t work because he just freezes again! What the fuck, you guys, don’t be idiots. That’s when they discover that the only thing that can destroy the snowman, for some reason, is antifreeze. I’m no rocket surgeon or anything, but I don’t really know how that worked in killing him, but it did! They buried the Jack Frost and covered him in open bottles of antifreeze so that way if he came to life, he’d get covered in that shit again. I think? Yeah, I think that’s what happens.

It’s okay guys, this is totally safe for work, you can’t see her nipples or his snowballs. HAHAHA SNOWBALLS!!!!!

I waited all the way through the credits and never saw Michael Keaton ONCE. What the fuck, guys, why would you do this to me. For what this movie is, which is something that’s really awful, it could’ve been worse. Every time you started getting REALLY bored, Jack Frost would pop up for some incredibly stupid death sequence involving a punny line of dialogue. Even though that sounds really dumb, and it is, it’s not like this movie was trying to take itself seriously or anything like that. And considering how many movies attempt to emulate this style of “so dumb, it’s entertaining” style of horror movie, this one could’ve been a lot worse. GUYS, I’M NOT SAYING IT’S GOOD, SHUT UP, IT’S AWFUL, I’m just saying that I was able to sit through it and moan and groan at how obvious the puns were. Even though the delivery of this movie wasn’t that good, and the scientific justification of his creation/demise made no sense, the idea of a villain who is bonded with water molecules is actually pretty creepy. Think about it! How would you kill him?! Even if you boiled him, he’d just float around in the atmosphere and then join together with other water droplets and live forever! I guess you could freeze him to be really, really cold, but come on guys, like THAT’S believable. Oh yeah, let’s not forget that Shannon Elizabeth was in this and it is credited as her first “acting” role but I don’t think I saw her do any acting! Hahahaha! Take THAT, Nadia! Even if she wasn’t acting in it, you did get to see her wearing some crazy ass (pun intended) high-waisted thong that I suppose was intended to be sexy? Man, the 90’s were weird.

Wolfman Moon Scale