Do I call it Christmas Evil or do I call it You Better Watch Out or do I call it Terror in Toyland? Stupid fucking Troma movies and their goddamned titles! When gathering Christmas horror movies to watch, I was going more for an all inclusive type of thing instead of a “just the good ones” thing. How the hell was I supposed to know whether this movie was good or not? I watched this movie at the airport and I am lucky I did, because I had NOTHING else to do to occupy my time. I tried watching it at home, when I could have been doing other things, and I got pretty bored and, well, did other things. However, stuck between a Cinnabon and a Manchu Wok for two hours was the perfect environment to tolerate watching this movie, and since it’s Christmas Eve, what better time to review a movie whose title is a play on the phrase?! OH MAN THAT’S AMAZING.
Just by posting this image, I think I’m about to go insane and will go on a murderous rampage.
A group of little kids are spying on Santa, who’s actually just their dad in a costume (spoiler alert), leaving presents and shit under the tree. When their mom comes down stairs, Santa starts getting horny and starts with the booby-honking. The kids see this, and one kid gets so freaked out by this that he runs upstairs and cuts his hand with a shard of glass. When this kid grows up, he works in a toy factory and spies on neighborhood children and takes notes on who he thinks is naughty and who he thinks is nice. It’s not just kids on the chopping block, but he starts judging his coworkers as well. Apparently this dude thinks he is the true Santa Claus, so he breaks into families houses to leave them dirt as presents and smashes their good toys. This “true” Santa also steals toys from the toy factory and donates them to a local orphanage/hospital/place where kids are, but then punishes some coworkers leaving church by killing them. This is when a mob of people starting trying to track down this Santa to, I don’t know, take him to jail or something? Anyways, this true Santa goes to his brother’s house and his brother tells him to stop acting like a dickhead and chokes him but then the angry mob shows up and true Santa ends up flying into the sky in his van. OH, OKAY.
How can this little dinky axe hurt anybody?!
I thought that maybe I had missed a crucial scene when ordering a few gallons of icing from Cinnabon that might have explained why this guy went crazy, and upon some further investigation, nope! I didn’t miss anything. This means that the only thing that made this guy bonkers was seeing Santa honking his mom’s boobs. THAT’S IT. With a movie like Silent Night, Deadly Night, you had a movie showing multiple sequences of why this guy fucking hated Christmas, and it wasn’t until 45 minutes in that he had actually snapped, but by then, you had understood all the crazy things that had happened to him. With Christmas Evil, all we saw was boob grabbing, and BOOM! Little kid is nuts. I’m not saying we needed to have as many events as there were in Silent Night, Deadly Night, but since it was a Troma film, everything was done with a pretty low budget, so it didn’t feel like there was a good enough cast/direction/everything to carry out the slower burning tension. I think that if this script was in the right hands and there was a enough of a budget to it, it could have been something more like Maniac, showing the damaged psyche of an adult who had a traumatic experience as a kid, but with Troma, we didn’t really get it. Oh well, we can always just rename it and try releasing it again!
Wolfman Moon Scale
Have you been keeping up with American Horror Story: Asylum? Made me think of one of the most recent episodes…
I have not! In fact, I never even got around to watching the first season. I’ve heard conflicting reviews about everything so didn’t make it a priority. Although, now that Season 1 is on Netflix, I’m sure I’ll check it out at some point.