Why the fuck would you care what movies I’m planning on going to see in theaters the next few months? Great point, sir or madam! Why would you care in the slightest? You probably don’t! However, keeping in tradition, I sometimes have a habit of forgetting about all the movies I want to see when it comes to summer movie season. Even though this list might partially be to put some movies on your radar, it’s mostly a checklist for me to quickly look back at to remind myself when movies are coming out and to not miss any of them. Most likely I will be seeing them all on opening morning so that it doesn’t cost as much and there aren’t as many people around and so I can get pizza for lunch right afterwards. I live a pretty cool life, huh? On that note, without further ado, here are the movies I plan on seeing in theaters over the next few months!
Bears – April 18th
FUCK. I am already blowing it. It has passed the 18th, so I could have seen this on opening day, but I fucked up and hope to amend that situation ASAP. What’s not to like about bears? My only worry about going to see Bears is that, being distributed by Disney, the movie will just be another compilation of footage from nature specials filmed by the BBC and edited together to give a “story” about “family”, but even if it is, it’s still a goddamn movie about bears.
The Quiet Ones – April 25th
Holy shit, I have NO goddamned idea what this movie is about. I know that it’s a horror movie that’s getting a major release and it might have something to do with ghosts and I don’t think it’s found footage. I like ghosts and I like movies not attempting to cash in on a popular trend, so I will probably check out The Quiet Ones. Unless, of course, it gets terrible reviews and then I realize why I don’t know much about it.
The Amazing Spider–Man 2 – May 2nd
I did a fair amount of shit talking about The Amazing Spider-Man, but enough time has gone by that I don’t really remember much about the movies or any complaints I had about the movie. Plus, Man of Steel has come out since then and that helped swing (hahahaha) some of my negative comic book movie emotions DC’s way. I’m not looking forward to this movie because I think it will be good, I’m looking forward to this movie to try to find what silver linings there might be in a movie that already appears to be 10 pounds of web fluid crammed into a 5 pound web fluid canister.
Godzilla – May 16th
Finally! I cannot WAIT to see what Matthew Broderick and hank Azaria have been up to! Okay no, I’m kidding, but have you seen the 1998 Godzilla lately? Holy fuck. I’m sure that all of the terrible things you remember about that movie are still there, but do you also remember how fucking LONG that movie is? I remember buying it on DVD just for jokes and then watched it with my friend immediately afterwards and fell asleep two different times. I don’t have much connection to any form of Godzilla but I did really enjoy Monsters, directed by Gareth Edwards, and this movie looks pretty badass.
X-Men: Days of Future Past – May 23rd
So X-Men: First Class was pretty great, right? Well, Superman Returns was not. I think one of the exciting things about XM:FC was getting to see characters/stories that seemed somewhat familiar to both the comic book novice and expert alike without knowing exactly how all the pieces are going to come together. I’ll be interested to see how things play out when it comes to a specific storyline and if this movie also suffers from having too many characters all trying to get their own chunk of screen-time. Also, I should note that this was written when Bryan Singer’s sexual assault is only alleged as opposed to confirmed. Don’t want to open up that can of worms just yet.
Guardians of the Galaxy – Aug. 1st
The who? The what? Who the fuck are THESE guys? Even though I read a lot of comics, I can’t really remember so much as a cameo from any of the cores members of the Guardians of the Galaxy. The initial trailer hasn’t really done much of anything for me, as the trailer mostly serves as an opportunity to introduce America to all of these weird characters, toss in a few action montages, and then a few punchlines. I’ll be very interested to see what happens with the next trailer, but I’ll be checking this movie out either way. It looks like fun kinda!
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles – Aug. 8th
First it was comic books and then it was a cartoon for kids and then it was a movie and then it was two shitty movies and then there was another cartoon and then another movie and then another cartoon and maybe some more comics. Point is, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have been re-introduced to the general public countless times to varying success, so why are you all complaining that it’s happening again? Oh, because Michael Bay was involved? See, you have a point there, because that guy sucks. Being alone in thinking the most recent movie, which was all CGI, was better than the two live-action sequels, I know I’m in the minority. I can be hopefully about this movie, but unfortunately, it just looks shitty. Add the painfully bland Megan Fox into the mix and this could be a steaming pile of dogshit, but, ya never know, I’m always super optimistic about everything! Right?
Sin City: A Dame to Kill For – Aug. 22nd
Wow, has it really been almost ten years since the first movie came out? Where does the time go?! I haven’t been keeping up with all things Robert Rodriguez since this movie came out (with the exception of Planet Terror), but Sin City is one of my favorite comic book movie adaptations to date. Granted, that’s mostly because it has come the closest to accurately recreating dialogue, characters, and look of the comic book, so let’s say that I’m still impressed by what that movie was able to accomplish when so many other comic book movies really only try to capture one of those things. With my love of the books, I’m excited to see these characters in a theater again, and if this movie is as successful as the first, hopefully I can like Rodriguez more after how dumb the Machete movies are.
THAT’S IT?! Jesus, it seems like every year the amount of movies I’m excited about seeing gets smaller and smaller. Oh well, I’m sure that all of these movies, whether I go see them or not, will make millions of dollars for all parties involved. I should also point out that this list doesn’t include things that might only get released on VOD, but you probably knew that already, didn’t you? Why am I not watching Bears right now?