No, your mind isn’t playing tricks on you, here is yet another movie that falls under both horror and non-horror film. Technically, it’s intention is to be a comedy, and there are no scary moments whatsoever. However, in case the name of the film didn’t give it away, it is a quasi-spoof on horror films. In case you aren’t familiar with the character of Van Helsing, he gained notoriety in Bram Stoker’s Dracula, as someone who hunted Dracula, and in various other works of fiction has hunted Frankenstein’s Monster, werewolves, and other demons. And the name of the movie is funny, because STAN rhymes with VAN! But this guy is hunting horror movie monsters! Get it?! THAT’S WHY IT’S FUNNY! HAHAHAHA! Excuse me, that’s why it was supposed to be funny.

Slutty lady, Good Burger, Goddess.

Stan Helsing works at a video store, and within five minutes, he is saying the titles of dirty videos. Shortly after, we see a special line devoted to people who are dropping off copies of The Ring, followed by them immediately keeling over dead. And then after that, we here some jokes about poop, then we see a human-sized cockroach hanging out in the bathroom. In case you haven’t noticed, we are expected to suspend our disbelief for the next 90 minutes. As his shift ends, our “hero”, Stan, meets up with his buddy, played by Kenan Thompson, not to be confused with Kel. I guess it doesn’t matter, it was one of the Good Burger guys. He is accompanied by some sort of ditzy floozy archetype, as well as Diora Baird…MOVIE JUST GOT ONE BILLION TIMES MORE FASCINATING. I should also mention that Ms. Baird is wearing an indian costume. No, not meaning she has a cell phone clipped to her belt, but a Pocahontas outfit.

Fedora? Copyright infringement. Bowler hat? Just fucking stupid is all.

I don’t want to bore you with further details of the plot, which I assure you, would definitely bore you, so I will be brief, and mention only the highlights. Apparently a Chuckie impersonator moons our quartet, despite being an anatomically incorrect doll. Then there is something involving a gate, and making a delivery, and bad guys from various movies are running amuck, then you get to see Diora again. They go to a karaoke bar, and Leslie Nielsen is in drag, and he gets to say something to Diora. They get help from a priest, and there are pedophile jokes, and Diora then says something. At one point, they fall down a well, or something, and there is a joke about things going into peoples’ butts that are confused for dicks, then Kenan gets to touch Diora’s boobs.

His most memorable performance since Spy Hard. No, I meant since Dracula: Dead and Loving It. No, I mean Scary Movie 18.

Something happens for some reason, and they all end up asleep in a motel, and the slutty hooker lady changes clothes. Not like, has a scene in a changing room, I just mean she wakes up in a different outfit. Anyways, there is a big fight with all the monsters. And by fight, I mean a karaoke competition, during which, fake Freddy Krueger scratches Stan to reveal the birthmark in the shape of a “VH”….LIKE VAN HALEN! Err, like VAN HELSING! He then defeats all the bad guys with kicks to the nuts and shit like that, then as our heroes escape, Stan gets to kiss Diora and Kenan gets a lap dance. Yes, that’s seriously how this movie ends.

Proof that the hooker lady changes clothes. Proof that Stan Helsing has a shitty goatee. PROOF, I SAY! PROOOOFFFFF!!!!!

I think the biggest, of many, problems with this film, is it didn’t quite know what genre it wanted to fall under. Clearly “horror” would not be an appropriate genre, but as far as what kind of comedy it was, it seemed to have an issue making up its mind. Maybe it’s because I am a little too particular when it comes to what classifies as “parody” and what classifies as “spoof”, but either way, it was still pretty bad. I’m assuming the pitch for this film was: “Imagine if we took Monster Squad…and combined it with Scary Movie!”, and it still ended up being worse than that description. Granted, they clearly couldn’t afford to pay for licensing, so Pinhead from Hellraiser has a bunch of hypodermic needles stuck in him. Jason looks like shit, and Freddy Krueger isn’t wearing a hat…I don’t think. Oh, and in the credits, none of them are actually named appropriately. There were, however, two redeeming things in this film. One was a reference to traveling to “1428 Elm Street”, and it was all “Oh, I get it, like the Freddy movies”, but the complete line was “1428…the last house on the left”. Hey, shut up, I thought it was clever, compared to the rest of the jokes in this film. The second redeeming thing was that you get to look at Diora Baird for most of the movie. Well, I guess that would technically be reasons two AND three.

BONUS PICTURE – Just had to include it, since it looks like a porn. Whoever can come up with the best title for what a porn starring Kenan and Diora would be, in the comments section, wins a prize!

Wolfman Moon Scale