This is a documentary about how Bret Michaels got the band together, right? THE BAND CALLED “POISON”? NO? THEN WHY THE FUCK AM I WATCHING IT. Oh, I’m watching it because it’s a horror movie. Haha, stupid Wolfman, you forgot what you do and why you do things. The Poisioning is a low-budget thriller that makes you question…whether or not poison is a good thing? Maybe? I don’t know, but there was a guy in it who identified as straight edge, which you don’t see too often in movies. You might see a nerdy loser character who doesn’t drink, but none who seem just like normal guys. HEY, I’M A NORMAL GUY TOO! WE DID IT! What’s going on? Oh, yeah, I watched The Poisoning so why not read it. Very minor spoilers ahead.

Not really the BEST tool when it comes to slicing cranberry sauce, am I right folks?!

While traveling from Connecticut to L.A. for a new job, Matt (Matt Mercer) and Riley (Kalan Ray) make a pit stop in Washington D.C. to spend the night at Matt’s friend’s house. Matt’s friend, “Chaps” (Brandon Walz), is a real dick. Right off the bat he rubs Riley the wrong way, and when Chaps invites himself along for the roadtrip, things only get worse. Chaps is ruining a promising adventure between friends with his immature harassment and complaints, but considering the length of their friendship, Matt has a hard time getting rid of him. Eventually Chaps does get the hint and tries to make amends, but it might be too late. He tries to redeem himself when Matt and Riley run out of gas by offering to go to a gas station, but he also tries to do a good deed by helping out a hitchhiker with a ride. Unfortunately, this hitchhiker was ignored by Matt and Riley, who he remembers, and he’s got a little bit of an angry streak. The way he seeks revenge might seem like a small act at first, but it has drastic repercussions and changes the dynamic of the trio permanently.

How to make a douche bag more of a douche bag? GIVE HIM A GRAPHIC TEE. Although I much prefer the “What are you looking at, dicknose?” t-shirt that Chaps wore.

In the vein of something like Wolf Creek, The Poisoning also follows a group of friends who have a terrible run-in with a creep stranger. Wolf Creek might have had beautiful landscapes, being based on “true events”, and a more solid cast, but The Poisoning spends more time with its main characters which really strengthens their roles. Where the film goes in the last 20 minutes does come out of nowhere, which works both against it and in its favor. You didn’t expect the climax, but never really got a satisfying fate for any of the characters. I don’t mean in the depressing way that a bunch of characters die, but more in the “Wait, is that REALLY what happened to that guy?” The ending kind of comes out of left field. There’s also a sequence early on in the film involving a conflict with the main characters and a few member of the Courage Crew, a militant straight edge group founded in the hardcore punk scene who have been known to use violence against people who don’t share their drug free lifestyle. Your average viewer might not know about the group’s reputation, so the exposition of who they are and what they do implied it would be relevant to the story, but it just ended up being a red herring. Maybe my familiarity with Courage Crew affected my opinion so I’d be interested in what a neutral party would have to say. The chemistry between the three leads helps drive the story, but the ending is a little underwhelming and I’m still not sure if there was a message about not doing drugs. My message about doing drugs? Probably shouldn’t, but then again, Satan probably loves drug-doers. So, Hail Satan?

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