Poltergeist (1982) [REVIEW]

March 12, 2011 7 Comments

 

I’m pretty sure I’ve seen this movie almost ten thousand times. Granted, I might never have actually seen the whole thing start to finish, well, ever, but it had seen it in pieces quite a few times. I guess it was good to sit down and actually watch it start to finish, because I knew how it started and knew how it ended, as if it had been a mystery. I guess just all the times I had seen it in pieces on HBO, I figured I could fill in the gaps. And boy, was I wrong! Not really all that wrong, but I still had never actually watched the whole thing. I also had known about the “Poltergeist Curse”, which has to do with the fact that four principal actors of the first two films died within six years of the first film being made. Turns out that it was only two people from the first film, and not having seen the other films in the franchise, the curse is certainly underwhelming. There’s always next time!

 

I had always just figured it was the ghost of Anne Frank trying to take her revenge on the Aryan nation.

Craig T. Nelson, also known as “Coach”, is living with his family in a nice little neighborhood, where he also happens to sell property. Strange things start happening around the house, which coincide with Coach’s youngest daughter, Carol Anne, played by Heather O’ Rourke, claiming to see “TV people”, as well as uttering the famous line “they’re heeeere”. Along with a big scary thunderstorm and a huge tree coming to life and grabbing Coach’s son from inside the house, Carol Anne also goes missing. The family can hear her through the television, so the members of the local university’s paranormal psychology department starts to investigate. Apparently the house is a victim of a poltergeist, which is supposedly ghost-type shit that is centered around a house or other location, rather than specifically centered around a person. Anyways, crazy ghost ship happens, they call in this weird tiny lady who apparently knows everything about ghosts. They are able to recover the little girl from wherever the ghosts are being held, and everyone’s happy. Until Coach has to work late one night, and the paranormal activity continues! It is then revealed that the neighborhood was built on an old cemetery, which was moved to build the house. Only problem? The bodies weren’t moved, just the headstones! So I guess their spirits were pissed and made all this shit happen. But then Coach and his family leave and everything is better…well except until two of the actresses died in real life.

 

That thing was scary as shit. No time to make jokes about it, or I might wake up next to it. Oh wait, I already do! Hahaha! Take THAT, Rampaige!

How did this shit have a fucking PG rating?! Not saying I was losing my mind, but there is a scene with a guy ripping his own face off….RIPPING HIS OWN FACE OFF. There were ghosts, and loud sounds, and lots of screaming and ghosts and scary shit, but it was only PG. I guess it’s excuse was that it was 1982, and PG-13 didn’t exist. I’d say that this movie does for ghosts what Close Encounters of the Third Kind did for aliens. It tried to take, maybe not a realistic, but a more scientific approach for the characters as a response to what was going on. Maybe that’s how it was able to get away with just the PG rating? And the fact that this was directed by Tobe Hooper was pretty surprising, considering he broke onto the scene with a movie like Texas Chain Saw Massacre, which focused on gritty brutality, compared to this film, which dealt with a family encountering paranormal events. The practical effects in the film were also pretty convincing, and this movie was right on the cusp of using technology to get their scares, but the good side of the cusp.

 

Wolfman Moon Scale



IMDb
Netflix
Amazon DVD

Filed under 4 Stars, Horror Film Tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

WE FUCKING DID IT! FIRST ANNIVERSARY!

March 3, 2011 2 Comments

It was a rough year, that had its ups and downs. My goal when I started was to post every other day, or at least end up with three to four posts per week. As of right now, on the one year anniversary, I have 186 posts, which roughly equates to one post every 1.96 days. We fucking did it! You might have more recently noticed how often I’ve been posting to make sure to meet that goal, but hopefully I can keep it up (that’s what she said) and maybe for the second anniversary I’ll have even more posts! Well, of course I’ll have more posts, but I mean a better post per day ratio. I was thinking of maybe just shutting down the site after this first year, but apparently people are still reading this, and I’d hate to disappoint my fans. Yes that’s right, I’d hate to disappoint both of you. One of my favorite things about using WordPress is all the statistics you get to see about what posts are popular, what brings people to my blog, and my all-time favorite, what search terms people type that result in clicking on my blog. Let me share some of those numbers with you now.



Top 5 Visited Posts

1) The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (2009) – 2,944 views

2) Scott Pilgrim vs. The World (2010) – 1,188 views

3) The Walking Dead – 997 views

4) I Spit On Your Grave (2010) – 975 views

5) Piranha 3-D (2010) – 656 views



Top 15 Used Tags

blood, boobs, guts, Halloween, Marvel, comics, zombies, demons, ghosts, shitty, Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, Diora Baird, Wes Craven, LOST



Top 3 Search Terms

1) The Walking Dead

2) The Human Centipede poop scene

3) Mary Elizabeth Winstead hot scene



Honorable Mentions

These terms are things people searched for, purposely, and clicked on my blog, most likely accidentally. None of these terms were searched for often, but people typed them into a website, hoping to find related results, and ended up on my blog. Some of these are hilarious, some are scary, some are both. The question I ask myself is who is weirder, the people typing these things into a search engine or the person whose blog contains relevant words?

paranormal entity boobs

horse penis

boy piss

adults in diapers

giraffe head explode

ugly lady

kevin bacon shirtless

little boy fuck

kenan thompson good burger

panda fight

sam flynn haircut

ugly ass face

raped by demons

gone fishin movie

hot little bitch

midget penis

the fuking cat

truck driverin aboxin iraq

And basically anything similar to Paranormal Entity ___________, Diora Baird _________, Mary Elizabeth Winstead ________, and The Human Centipede __________. I can’t really blame any of my regular readers for being such weirdos, since they know what my website is and don’t have to search for it.



24,557 views all-time



January 9th, 2011 – busiest day, 303 views



I don’t have too much else to say, other than I look forward to C2E2 in a couple of weeks, as well as some out of town trips, so you might notice a few more posts in the “inane bullshit” category, previously known as “uncategorized”.  Here’s to another year!

Filed under Comics, Horror Film, Inane Bullshit, Non-Horror Film Tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Amityville Horror (1979) [REVIEW]

March 2, 2011 Leave a comment

 

I really can’t remember whether I had seen the remake of this movie first of second, but I guess it’s really not important. I was just trying to think of something to say to try to introduce this movie with an extra sentence or two. I do remember the first time seeing it was back in the early days of my Netflix membership and not being too impressed. I was a little more interested in movies by Takashi Miike back then though, so take that opinion for what it was. Seeing that it was available on Netflix Instant, but only until March 1st, made me watch the shit out of that fucker! Oh, and it was based on a book that I didn’t read! Score!

 

These are what studly babes looked like in 1979. Some things never change! Ain’t that righty Beardy McBoobs?

We see the police at a house on Long Island, cleaning up from a multiple homicide. We know it involved a gun, and people of all ages getting killed, and the film then cuts to a newlywed couple, played by James Brolin and Margot Kidder, exploring the house, looking to purchase it. They like it, and sure enough, move in. Knowing about its gruesome past, they have their priest stop by to perform some sort of “exorcism” of the house, to cleanse the memories of what took place. Only being in the house a few minutes, the priest notices swarms of bugs collecting on the outside window, only to have them swarm into the room as well. He eventually makes it out, but not without becoming ill in the process. Some subtle spooky things are happening throughout the house, and it seems that James Brolin is becoming angrier and angrier, so Margot Kidder decides to investigate. Turns out the house was built on some sort of Indian burial ground or something? They decide to move out, obviously, and, ya know, stopped living there. The end!

 

The fatal weakness of the house? You can leave it. That’s it. Just don’t be in the house and you’re safe. Is that so fucking hard to do? It has doors.

Much better than I remember, but still not perfect. It’s certainly one of the best “haunted house” movies out there, and was able to play the whole “based on real events” card before it became as commonplace with horror movies. The strange thing about this movie is that the reasons it was good are the same reasons that I couldn’t enjoy it completely, those reasons being the intensity of the paranormal events. For example, when the priest is trying to cleanse the house, a door slams shut, and then swiftly reopens as a disembodied voice shouts, “GET OUT”. Or maybe the scene where Margot Kidder investigates strange sounds, and when she looks out the window, she sees a strange pig-like creature with glowing red eyes looking back at her. And similarly, this happens at one point to James Brolin’s character as he looks into the house, seeing the pig creature with even more clarity. There were no two ways about it, these things were happening, and these things were definitely being seen and heard.

 

“Why am I chopping wood? No reason. No reason at all. Completely arbitrarily smashing this axe into one. Honestly, no reason. Can I stop? No…okay, well only long enough for you to realize I’m holding this axe for no reason. I mean, you might NEVER see it again….MIGHT never…I didn’t say you WILL never, just saying might….”

On the other side of things, there are scenes where the walls drip blood. It happens towards the end of the movie, and whose blood it was or where it came from was never explained, but still, that’s a little too cheesy. Also, there’s a hidden room in the house the dog always barks at, and just exudes an overall sense of unease. In the climax of the film, James Brolin climbs the stairs above that room, only to fall through them and into a pit of an oily black liquid. Is this supposed to be evil juice? Is this the blood of the “Indian burial ground”? Or maybe that pink shit from Ghostbusters 2? No one knows, and it’s completely unnecessary. If this movie had been a little bit shorter, and had been a little more selective with which phenomena were shown to take place, it would get a full moon. Sorry, James Brolin, you’re still a stud.

 

Wolfman Moon Scale


IMDb
Netflix
Amazon DVD

Filed under 4 Stars, Horror Film Tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Halloween (1978) [REVIEW]

November 16, 2010 3 Comments

 

Are you guys sick of me talking about John Carpenter yet? Too bad, losers! Yes, here we go, another John Carpenter film. Not just any Carpenter film, but probably his most well-known. I think I’ve mentioned before that when I was a kid, there wasn’t really one defining moment of watching a scary movie that traumatized me. I kind of wish there was, but I know a lot of people reference this film as one that always scared people when they were kids. It also makes up another triumvirate of films that had a long-lasting impact on horror film, joined by Friday the 13th and A Nightmare on Elm Street. It was that time of the year to watch this film, which was two weeks ago, but I am lazy so it took me awhile to write this review.

 

What kind of hair is this?! What the fuck is wrong with you?!

As a child, Michael Myers kills his sister while dressed as a clown on Halloween. As an adult, he escapes from the insane asylum and goes on a road trip to get back to his hometown of Haddonfield, IL, and the only one who knows enough about him is Dr. Samuel Loomis, played by Donald Pleasence. Once Michael gets back into town, it seems as though he has focused his creepy stalking on Jamie Lee Curtis for some reason, probably because of her old lady hair. There is some running, chasing, hiding, killing, and stalking throughout the film, which eventually ends with Dr. Loomis shooting him seven times with a six-shooter (I know, right?) and Michael falling out of the window. When the cops arrive, the body is no longer laying where it landed, and nobody knows what happened to Michael.

 

Michael! What are you doing! You know that you’re Halloween costume isn’t in this closet! Just your bathrobe!

Not really that complicated of a film, but why does it scare people so much? First off, let’s talk about the fact that it’s Halloween. The one night of the year where people are allowed to wear disguises to hide who they really are. I’m sure everyone has had an experience on Halloween where you see someone wearing a mask and wonder if they are some weirdo or not, so this film proposes the idea of whether or not there really is a psycho underneath a mask. That would be Michael! Another reason why it seems to strike a chord with people is how many scenes there are where Jamie Lee Curtis thinks she sees someone, or gets a feeling that someone is watching her, but when she looks back, no one is there. The movie goes by rather slowly, and the deaths aren’t that brutal, I think it’s just the tension throughout the film that makes it successful, which is really why it stands out in the genre, especially against Friday the 13th and A Nightmare on Elm Street.

 

You found it! Good job Michael!

I used to really like Friday the 13th, for no real reason other than how awesome Jason Voorhees looks. The more I look back on it, the more I realize how dumb it is. A completely mindless killer, with no real reasons as to why he came back, other than to avenge the fact that he died due to neglect from camp counselors. Freddy Krueger gains his power from the psychological fears he inflicts on a small town, and that fear manifests itself with him coming to life. So with those two films you have someone who presents a purely physical threat, and if you can run away from Jason or don’t do drugs and have sex, you don’t have to worry about him, and then you have the psychological fear with Freddy, that the more you fear him the stronger he becomes. Halloween is so effective, at least this film, before they tried to explain Michael Myers, because there wasn’t much rhyme or reason as to what he was doing, or why, or what could stop him. When he is wearing a mask, he is also typically referred to as “The Shape”, rather than Michael, which really defines the fear. It doesn’t matter who he is, or why he is, but being stalked by a “Shape” who can’t be stopped is what terrifies people. And John Carpenter, once again, uses music and a slow pace to really create a tense mood throughout the film that other directors have a hard time competing with.

 

Wolfman Moon Scale



Official Site
IMDb
Netflix
Amazon DVD

Filed under 5 Stars, Horror Film Tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Fog (1980) [REVIEW]

November 5, 2010 2 Comments

 

This film WAS going to be the second half of a John Carpenter double feature I wanted to attend, but Rampaige ruined everything with her damned tornado warnings! I had never seen this movie before, being under the impression that a horror movie about being scared of a fog would be terrible. I was working at a movie theater when the remake came out in 2005 and every time I tried to look in on whether or not it was scary, it ended up being a scene with Maggie Grace walking around in her underwear. They had set the bar pretty high, seeing as how that’s the only part I could tolerate, so I wondered what was so good about the original. And now, here we are!

 

Even in a movie, it was hard to believe Jamie Lee Curtis would sleep with Tom Atkins.

The town of Antonio Bay is celebrating its centennial by having a big party. A mysterious fog starts rolling in over the bay, which coincides with all sorts of creepy, ghost-like things happening. Windows shattering for no reasons, TVs turning on and of, ya know, all that good ghost stuff. Most of the film is spent being all “OH MY GOD WHAT’S HAPPENING THE FOG IS GETTING CLOSER OH NO” rather than learning what the fog is, or why it’s doing what it’s doing. It turns out that the town of Antonio Bay had a troubled past, and that when it was originally being settled, a ship full of lepers were attempting to colonize it. The original settlers led them astray and put up a false beacon that drove the ship into the rocks. The ghosts of the lepers have returned to kill the descendents of the people originally responsible for their deaths, and, they do! Good job ghosts!

 

Whoa! Am I about to be attacked by ghost lepers, or am I at a Daft Punk show?!

I mean, come on, it’s John Carpenter, so of course it’s going to be good. It’s tricky though, because you didn’t really know what you were supposed to be afraid of. Obviously the fog was connected with the sp0oky events around town, but you weren’t sure if the physical fog coming in held the danger, or if you were fucked no matter where the fog was. It was also a little confusing trying to figure out if these things were zombies that had a physical form, or if they were just apparitions or ghosts. I think that also might be why it was enjoyable, the fact that these figured were so mysterious. When you saw the figures, they were pretty creepy, because you never really saw what they looked liked. They were typically backlit, so you saw their creepy silhouettes, but since they were supposed to be the ghosts of lepers, they left that to the imagination. Although watching it might not be for everybody, I enjoyed the payoff at the end when you finally realized what was happening and why. Also because the treacherous leper-killing bastards descendents got it in the end.

 

Wolfman Moon Scale


Official Site
IMDb
Netflix
Amazon DVD

Filed under 3 Stars, Horror Film Tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Wicked Little Things (2006) [REVIEW]

November 2, 2010 Leave a comment

 

Thank you, Netflix Instant, for giving me access to movies I would never purposely watch. I’m assuming the target demographic for most films available on Netflix Instant are people too lazy to recognize a bad movie when they see it. In other words? Me. I got suckered into watching this movie because, well, come on! Look at that poster! Something about things in the woods who may or may not be little! The description was unclear as to whether or not they were ghosts or zombies or little shithead kids, but I would soon find out. Oh, and Hit Girl is in it. Yup, that’s right, Chloe Moretz, and Rampaige thinks she is just oh so cute!


Awww! Hit Girl is so little(er)!

There’s a family driving to a house they inherited when the father dies. I use the term “family” loosely, because it’s just a mom and her two daughters. I wonder if people will be pissed at me for pointing out that this isn’t a traditional family, hence my use of the term “loosely”? Fuck it, it’s a mom and two daughters and the husband is dead so they are going to the house they inherited from his family that’s in the middle of the woods. Supposedly there are stories of spooky things happening there, but as I mentioned, kind of unclear as to what those things are. Chloe plays the youngest daughter, which makes sense since she was probably only 8 years old, but goes missing one night. Rather than trying to find a good segue to talk about what the wicked little things are, I will tell you that they are the ghosts/zombies of children who died in a mining accident. The children were used as workers to fit into small spots, and when it came time to make a choice of the adults dying or sacrificing little kids, they let the kids die. Now they are coming back to kill the family members of the parties responsible. Some people die, some people live, and eventually the family is able to get away because the ancestor of the main person in charge gets killed. Yay Hit Girl!

 

They’re so cute in their little hats! Like a Charles Dickens novel or some shit!

The reason this movie will not be getting a shitty rating is because of the wicked little things themselves. It’s easy to make a movie about ghosts or zombies or any other monsters that are used often, but then you automatically set rules for what is and is not possible. If you call a movie a vampire movie, you know they can’t go in the sunlight. If it’s a zombie movie, you know you just have to shoot them in the head. This movie was quite vague with what the little kids were, so they were able to get shot in the gut, and sit right back up. They weren’t quite ghosts, because they were using weapons on people and couldn’t quite transport through walls or anything like that. Granted, this movie still wasn’t that good, but I definitely enjoyed the vagueness of what these things were, so you were surprised along with the characters in regards to what they were and were not capable of. I’d say it’s Instant Queue worthy, but don’t worry about having the disk mailed to you.

 

Wolfman Moon Scale



IMDb
Netflix
Amazon DVD

Filed under 3 Stars, Horror Film Tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Stir of Echoes (1999) [REVIEW]

September 29, 2010 1 Comment

 

The first time I watched this movie, it was on VHS right after it came out, and I had invited my mom to watch it with me. Well, she stopped watching shortly after the love scene where Kevin Bacon had visions of fingernails falling off and then going to the bathroom to pull his own teeth out. To be honest, I didn’t really remember much from the film, other than it involved “Paint it Black” by the Rolling Stones. Realizing I didn’t remember much of it, and after seeing that it was actually filmed in my neighborhood, I decided to give it another shot. Not only that, but I got that shit on BLU-RAY. So I was pretty excited.

 

Knowing Kevin Bacon, he’d probably still fuck her.

Kevin Bacon plays a (supposedly) typical Chicago utility worker who regrets where he ended up in life, who’s also quite close-minded. At a party one night, his sister-in-law hypnotizes him and leaves a subconscious suggestion to be more open. This results in visions of a young girl in his house, involving broken fingernails, the feeling of suffocation, an orange jacket, and a song he can’t quite put his finger on. Clearly there is something supernatural going on, and not only that, but his young son is the only person who claims to share these visions. By constantly fluctuating between the real world and these visions, his wife gets alienated and his job is at risk, yet he feels this is the most important thing he has done with his life. After receiving the vision of the words “DIG”, he begins tearing up his house, and eventually finds a body, covered in an orange jacket. After touching the body, he sees the rape and murder of the girl, which turns out to be committed by two boys in the neighborhood. Their parents were in on the cover-up, so they attempt to silence him, but one parent turns on the other parent. This family moves out of their house, and the film ends with the little boy still hearing visions wherever he goes.

 

Look at him tear into that lawn with the physique of Iggy Pop!

This viewing of the film was far more enjoyable, and slightly less awkward. It is based on a short story, and it shows. There are scenes that seem a little hokey and almost silly, that would work fine in a book, but on-screen doesn’t translate as well. Kevin Bacon did a pretty decent job walking the line of someone who is crazed because of the importance of what he is doing while not just being “crazy”. There were a few vague references to the premonitions that tied to the story in an enjoyable way, for example, the reason he kept hearing “Paint it Black” was because that was the song playing while she was being raped. And the fact that the son refused to go home during the final confrontation, claiming to be afraid of “the feathers”, only to have the gun of one of the parents fire through the child’s pillow and send feathers everywhere, right where his head would have been had he gone home. Although this film was quickly forgotten, it stands out against a lot of other films I’d just as soon forget.

 

Wolfman Moon Scale



IMDb
Netflix
Amazon DVD

Filed under 3 Stars, Horror Film Tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Saint Ange (House of Voices) (2004) [REVIEW]

September 8, 2010 Leave a comment

 

Do you know how hard it is finding horror movies about ghosts that have been made in the past 10 years? Maybe I should say it’s hard finding good supernatural horror movies that have been made in the past 10 years. Since Rampaige puts up with a lot of my bullshit movie choices, and I mean, a LOT, I figured I should try to get some more supernatural horror movies, since those are what she likes. And I agree, most of the horror films I have watched lately have been more about killers than about anything paranormal. If you Google anything along the lines of “Best Supernatural Horror”, you typically get the same list of films, most of which I have already seen, and most are a couple of decades old. This film, however, was showing up on quite a few lists, at least more contemporary lists, and was surprised to have never heard of it. It also goes by the name “House of Voices“, according to Netflix, but that’s kind of confusing because it must be considered one big-ass house.

 

I’m no doctor, but I don’t think pregnant women should be wandering the woods at night. But then again, I’m no doctor.

The movie starts with two little kids in a huge orphanage going to the bathroom together (yuck). The little boy starts investigating noises he hears through a mirror, then, WHOOPS, slips and cracks his head open and dies. Years later, a woman gets a job at this orphanage, in hopes of cleaning it up. But, as it turns out, there is only one orphan still living here, and it happens to be an older version of the little girl who witnessed the little boy’s death in the beginning of the movie. Nothing is quite as it seems at this orphanage, as the two characters hear voices and see things, and investigate what’s going on. Through their trials and tribulations, an underground hospital area is uncovered. It’s still unclear what took place here, and whether it was bad things, or good things. Maybe I wasn’t paying close enough attention, maybe I just didn’t care enough. Our main character dies, because she ends up giving birth while exploring, as she is found dead with her baby, umbilical cord still attached. The end?

 

I’m no doctor, but I don’t think pregnant women should let old ladies flop on top of them. But then again, I’m no doctor.

Okay, I get it now, this movie is French, so it doesn’t have to make sense. Just kidding, I won’t write this film off that easily. For the most part, it was actually a pretty moody and atmospheric film, similar to The Orphanage. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if the creative team behind The Orphanage saw this film and got inspired with all the places Saint Ange could have gone, but didn’t. Honestly, I just kept thinking, “Oh man, this is going to get REALLY creepy in the next few minutes…”, but then it never really did. Especially considering that with the ending, you assumed you might find some horrible secret as far as what was going on in the basement of the building, and it was pretty unclear as to what was actually going on. I assume there were implications that bad stuff was happening, but it was still pretty vague. I could have enjoyed this movie a lot more had the filmmakers capitalized on the mood they spent the entire movie building upon, or had a slightly more concise story.

 

Wolfman Moon Scale



Official Site
IMDb
Netflix
Amazon DVD

Filed under 2 Stars, Horror Film Tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Ghost Ship (2002) [REVIEW]

August 3, 2010 Leave a comment

 

I remember seeing the trailer for this film and immediately knowing how shitty it was going to be. Julianna Margulies going for a theatrical career? Gabriel Byrne not playing a psychopath? Ron Eldard…who the fuck is Ron Eldard? There was something redeeming about this movie, that I kept being told about: the first five minutes. I have seen the first five minutes quite a few times, mostly on HBO or Starz or whatever, but I can never make it through more than that. While browsing Netflix Instant Watch, we saw this, and I asked Rampaige if she had seen the first five minutes, which she had not. After that, we were both too lazy to shut it off, so I ended up seeing what I had been missing all these years. In short…not much.

 

I don’t know if I feel worse for this guy, or anyone who watches this movie.

So I’ve talked about it enough. What happens in the first five minutes? Well, there’s a cruise ship in the 60′s with a bunch of dressed up people dancing around. We see a cable being pulled taut by a wench, getting faster and faster. It is snagged on a few poles, causes the motor to smoke, and when the tension is too much, and the cable slices across the entire dance floor. The characters stand there momentarily, seemingly confused, until we finally see the top halves of these people slide off. There ends up being nearly a hundred people chopped in half, all over the floor, all cut in half. Then, the nu-metal kicks in, and thus starts the “present day” portion of this shitfest.

 

Watch out! Behind you! It’s that bitch from Lemony Snicket’s!

The movie follows a group of people who salvage boats and sell them for scrap. Some guy comes out of nowhere, claiming to know where the “ghost ship”, if you will, can be found. This obviously means a big pay-day for the gang. Yay! So they end up getting onto the ghost boat and, surprisingly, weird stuff starts happening! The discovery of gold, hallucinations involving former crew members of the boat, and some lady in a red dress who tries to get a guy to sleep with her. Sadly, for him, she was just tricking him into falling down an elevator shaft. Seriously dude, oldest trick in the book. Try to grab boobs, fall down an elevator shaft. We find out that the character who knew informed the salvagers of the location of the boat was acting similarly to Charon from Greek mythology, whose job it was to provide souls to hell. He ran the boat, collecting souls, doing this over and over again. Julianna Margulies is the only survivor when she blows the boat up, but when being loaded onto the ambulance, she sees the Charon character getting onto a different boat. NOOOOO!!!! Then more nu-metal starts playing! FUCK YES!

 

Take my word for it, this is the woman in red, despite not wearing clothes at the moment.

I don’t know if I could narrow it down to what the worst part of the movie was, because it was basically the entire middle. And by middle, I mean everything other than the first five minutes, and maybe the last five minutes. It’s not so much the idea of the movie was dumb, because once you realize what’s going on at the end, it’s actually kind of interesting. BUT THIS IS SUCH A GODDAMNED INEFFICIENT OF COLLECTING SOULS! He only killed seven or eight people, and he had to use a giant fucking boat. THERE ARE SO MANY WAYS TO KILL PEOPLE WITHOUT USING A GIANT BOAT. sure, the beginning part of the movie, there were a few hundred, which is nothing to scoff at. Can’t you find a slightly easier way to kill several people? I could come up with at least 23 ways to achieve that, which doesn’t involve a giant cruise ship. However, if questioned by authorities, I will deny everything.

 

Wolfman Moon Scale



Official Site
IMDb
Netflix
Amazon DVD

Filed under 1 Star, Horror Film Tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Troll 2 (1990) [REVIEW]

July 21, 2010 2 Comments

 

The time has finally come. This review is multiple days in the making. I mentioned I was going to review it a few reviews back, and it’s finally here. It’s time to review, the unofficial “Best Worst Movie“, so I want you to prepare yourselves for something truly monumental. Wait, actually, don’t, because this movie was a let down. We’ve all seen the clip on YouTube of this kid saying “They’re eating her! And then they’re going to eat me! Oh my gaaaaaawwwwwddddd!”, which was the highlight of this film. You can save yourself the trouble and just watch the scene over and over again, because sadly, Troll 2 isn’t really worth the time or effort.

 

I couldn’t figure out if they couldn’t afford the red stuff or if the green stuff was on sale.

The film opens with a grandfather telling a story to his grandson about goblins chasing someone through the woods. Then we get to see this chase, and we immediately realize this movie has a MUCH lower budget than Troll had. Clearly these goblins are just little people wearing shitty, shitty masks, running through the woods. They might not even have known they were filming, they might have just been doing this in their spare time for fun, who knows. We then realize that Grandpa is actually dead, and the storytime was just imaginary. Our family, which Grandpa is no longer apart of (due to being dead), is preparing to travel to the town of Nilgob, which is far less populated. When they arrive, they switch houses with a family, and this family has left out food that has green shit all over it. The ghost of Grandpa tells the little boy to piss all over everything, and he does, and the family gets pissed off.

 

Okay, fine, I will admit, it’s kind of funny that the little boy thought “Fuck it, I’ll piss on everything, who gives a fuck?! I’m 10!”

Sadly for our family, it is revealed that the town’s occupants are shape-shifting goblins who need to convince people to eat green shit, so they in turn can be eaten. Weird how the town of NILBOG is inhabited by…wait a second, NILBOG backwards is GOBLIN! OH FUCK! So yeah, there’s that. Then we have scene after scene of people trying to get the family to eat green shit, then they almost eat it and the little boy stops them. Here and there the ghost of Grandpa intervenes and physically does things, whereas other times he just suggests to the little boy what to do. All of the shape-shifting goblins have four leaf clover marks on their faces, and then everything gets really boring and the movie ends. I really didn’t care enough to pay attention to where it all went, sorry! Oh, except for the part where the kid eats a bologna sandwich instead of green shit, and then his mom gets eaten by goblins at the end.

 

It’s like they purposely tried to make the goblins as non-threatening as possible. Unless you hate masks.

Considering all the hype of this being one of the “best worst movies”, it should really just be classified as one of the worst movies. Period. End of sentence. Did you notice in my review, I not once referred to the creatures as trolls? THAT’S BECAUSE THIS MOVIE HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THE FIRST FILM. They just named it “Troll 2″ in hopes of tricking people into watching it, and it worked. It reminds me of Zombie 3, Zombie 4, and Zombie 5:The Killing Birds. All different kinds of zombies, no continuity, just decided to put a number after the word “Zombie” in hopes of selling a few more tickets. If you recall, Troll was awful, but it at least had enough stuff going on to keep you entertained. Troll 2, however, had so many long and boring periods, that even when something insanely weird or dumb happened, it didn’t make up for how long it had been where nothing was going on. From here on out, I am officially stripping this film of the title “Best Worst Movie”, and placing that title on my mantle until something better/worse-er is brought to my attention, because this film gives bad/good movies a bad/not good name.

 

Wolfman Moon Scale



IMDb
Netflix
Amazon DVD

Filed under 1 Star, Horror Film Tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

← Older posts

Newer posts →

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 653 other followers