I was about to start typing all about how this is yet another “classic” sci-fi from the 80’s that I never got around to watching, but upon further investigation, it wasn’t even made in the 80’s! Look above you! Ya see that?! 1990 bitch! Shows how much you know. The things I knew about this movie going into it were that it had to do with Mars, there’s a scene where Arnold Schwarzenegger‘s eyeballs pop out of his head, and also a scene where some lady’s head opens up and good old Arnold is hanging out inside. Wait, just remembered that there was a lady with three boobs. I had no idea that there would be any type of plot, just a string of insanity and a tagline of “In the not too distant future…” like most sci-fi movies are. But guess what this movie has going for it…it was based on a Philip K. Dick short story! Good for them!

AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Arnold plays Douglas Quaid, some dude in the future who has dreams of visiting Mars, except he’s an old fucker. He sees that there is a company that offers the experience of going to Mars without the risks of actually going. He goes to this company called “Recall” that offers memory implantation of visiting Mars, but Quaid is nervous because he heard of someone whose brain went to mush after visiting. Quaid visits Recall but freaks out during the procedure and runs away. Everyone starts turning on him and is out to get him, even his wife. People start leaving him clues on who he should go talk to, and who he can trust. Eventually he makes his way to Mars, where there are a bunch of people turning into mutants because of the toxic atmosphere on Mars. So uh, long story short, it turns out Quaid worked for the organization he was running from, and there was a crazy mind implant that made him think he was with some underground resistance, only to lead the company to the leader of the resistance, but Quaid got pissed and killed people and then changed the atmosphere on Mars. AND THAT’S WHY HE’S THE FUCKING GOVERNOR OF CALIFORNIA!

AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think I pretty much summed up my thoughts on this movie when explaining what I already knew. I don’t know if I would say it was bad, nor would I say it was good. I’ve been struggling to write this review for a good week now because I really can’t think of anything to say about it. I suppose it was mildly interesting that it could be considered a precursor to movies like The Matrix or Inception, with the whole “Are you asleep right now imagining this happening or is it actually happening”, but having never read the book, I’m not sure if that’s a credit to the book or the movie. Arnold was, well, Arnold of course. So good for him. Sharon Stone was in this and managed to not take her clothes off. Oh, and Michael Ironside was in it, he’s a badass. There was also that scene with the conjoined mutant baby, which I guess was something I didn’t know about beforehand? Whatever, fuck this movie.

Wolfman Moon Scale