Not actually a free-for-all, I just really enjoy alliteration. I had no idea it would take me five fucking months to watch all of the films in some of the major horror franchises out there, and it might not have taken so long had so many of them not been so painful to watch. Before we get any further, no, I will not be reviewing any other complete franchises for the sake of this experiment. I might at some point happen to include a whole franchise, but the main goal of this was ONLY to include Halloween, Friday the 13th, A Nightmare on Elm Street, and Hellraiser. In retrospect, I suppose I could have skipped Hellraiser, but not knowing much about the franchise, I guess I’ll deal with it. As it was mentioned in previous reviews, there is one other Hellraiser movie that has yet to make it to DVD and might NEVER make it to DVD, so fuck off and die if you get pissed at me for not reviewing it. Of course there are other franchises with certain installments that are quite enjoyable, like Re-Animator or the Return of the Living Dead franchises, but I then start lowering the bar on how many installments there are, and I might end up reviewing every movie that even has a sequel. The four chosen were known to all horror fans, and all had at least eight films to build on their mythology, and I’m not going to lower that bar. With that out of the way, let’s see some quick wrap-ups of each franchise.
A Nightmare on Elm Street
Favorite Installment – Freddy vs. Jason
Worst Installment – A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child
What I’ve Learned – That I don’t really like any of these movies that much, and anyone who claims that this franchise is their favorite, or that they love Freddy, I won’t trust their opinion as much. Sorry!
Friday the 13th
Favorite Installment – Friday the 13th (1980)
Worst Installment – Four way tie between parts 5 through 9
What I’ve Learned – You might think you could get sick of that much blood, so many boobs, and constantly seeing that hockey mask, but surprisingly, you don’t. Doesn’t mean the movie is good, but you can definitely sit through all of them.
Favorite Installment – Halloween (1978)
Worst Installment – As bad as some of the very late sequels were, I wanted to take this opportunity to point out how god fucking awful Rob Zombie’s remakes were. They were fucking dogshit.
What I’ve Learned – No matter how good the original is, there are plenty of opportunities to let you down. Also, Halloween 3 – Season of the Witch is awesome, and I don’t give a shit what anybody else thinks.
Favorite Installment – Hellraiser (1987)
Worst Installment – Hellraiser – Hellworld
What I’ve Learned – Pinhead isn’t nearly as important to the storylines of these films as the incorporation of leather and boobs. Thanks, Clive Barker!
Well fuck me, all of the fucking franchises got the same fucking average rating. What a goddamned fucking waste of time. I hope you enjoyed this bullshit that I went through for you people, now it’s back to not being held to any sort of expectations! Wahoo!
The Nightmare on Elm Street and Hellraiser franchises are my favorite, but I haven’t even seen all of the movies like you have. But they’re still the best. They deserve Full Moons, you turd.