Look at that fucking poster! I will completely own up to the fact that the cover of this movie, and the cover alone, is what made me willing to sit down and watch it on Netflix Instant. I probably watched it for the first time about a year and a half ago and didn’t really pay attention to it. I knew that there was a guy who wore a mask, and you can see that mask on the cover, and I also remember that every time I looked up from what I was doing, someone was being chased or killed in a poorly lit area. Considering I had rated it 3 stars but had no goddamn clue what had happened, and the fact that there is going to be a sequel to this movie coming out, I figured I’d give this another shot to see if I’ll watch this sequel. Oh who am I kidding, if that sequel is also on Netflix Instant then of course I’ll be watching the shit out of it.
Are you filming this shit on MiniDV? Did this movie come out in 2009 or 1909? AM I RIGHT?!
Our main female character, played by Bobbi Sue Luther, wakes up in a funeral home having no fucking clue what is going on. As she wakes up and tries to escape, we see who we presume to be her killer, whom we will refer to as “Chromeskull” from here on out. Why? Because he wears a fucking chrome skull, that’s why. The female is able to escape him long enough to hitch a ride from a character played by Kevin Gage in all of his “Hey is that Stone Cold Steve Austin?” glory. Unfortunately, Chromeskull is able to follow them and kills fake Stone Cold’s wife with that brutal knife thingy from the cover. Trying to find help, the pair drive to the nearest house, which happens to be owned by that guy from one of those old “Got Milk?” commercials where he can’t chew his sandwich, also known as Sean Whalen. Now the three are in it together, and they go back to the funeral home in hopes of the main female remembering anything. She doesn’t, and Chromeskull shows up, and chases them away. He chases them away from a lot of places, doesn’t he?
Just as a tip for the people doing publicity for the sequel, when it comes to releasing pictures of your large-breasted main actress, make sure you release more than just pictures of her covered in blood and screaming.
Anyways, the trio make it to a convenience store to hold up until police arrive, but before the police show up, Chromeskull does! Oh no! They manage to sneak into his car or something like that and the girl watches footage of herself being taken into a hotel room by Chromeskull because apparently she is a prostitute, then gets bashed on the head, presumably causing the rest of the film. We also learn that Chromeskull has some special adhesive to make his mask stick, so the Got Milk guy decides to replace that adhesive with SUPER powerful superglue, because obviously that will cause hilarity to ensue. The Got Milk guy gets his head filled with that shit you put into a tire when it gets punctured, and fake Stone Cold gets stabbed in the stomach, leaving the girl to hide in a freezer until Chromeskull’s mask falls off. When he goes to put it back on, the intense superglue shit melts his face right off of his fucking head, causing him to lay down for a while. When the girl goes to leave, she makes sure to smash the guy in the head one last time, and also checks his pockets or something and she sees a police report with her name on it and all the prostitute crimes she’s done. Hopefully she learned her lesson!
This is what happens when you over-medicate on Proactiv.
Let me at least talk about the things I liked, just to make sure I don’t forget them, because there weren’t that many. One thing I thought was really well done were the makeup effects. The scene where Chromeskull glues the mask to his face and attempts to pull it off and everything looks like melted mozzarella, as well as what happens when all the mozzarella was pulled off, was pretty gnarly. The good gnarly. Also, I liked that the movie started up right away, and rather than waste 10-15 minutes introducing you to any of the characters, this movie gets right to it. You know everything you need to know, which is that there’s a girl, a mask guy, and the mask guy wants to kill the girl. Also the fact that we never found out who this guy was or why he was doing it made it a little more entertaining. The things I didn’t like were pretty much everything else. Every fucking scene was incredibly dark so you couldn’t really tell where they were or what they were doing most of the time. The acting was fine, but the material the actors were working with wasn’t really all that exciting or interesting. I didn’t care about anyone living or dying or any of their connections to one another. There was also this awful scene where Chromeskull captures the girl and forces her to go into a gas station, and the whole time he is interacting with her through poorly worded, not at all intimidating text messages. I think the texts I send to my girlfriend are scarier than the psycho killer saying things about “little piggy will turn into BACON!” or whatever it said. Hopefully the filmmakers learned from their mistakes, and by mistakes I mean entire story and running time, and make a more entertaining and concise gorefest.
Wolfman Moon Scale
THAT’S THE EXPENDABLES POSTER!
Yeah, maybe if The Expendables had come out in 2009, but it DIDN’T!