Ghosts? Salem, MA? Based on true events? WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG WITH THIS MOVIE?! Sure, it was a straight to video release, but since when does that mean it has to be bad?! I was tipped off by the opening credits just how fucking terrible this piece of shit was going to be, which sometimes takes me longer to figure out with other movies. First of all, they fucking BLEW through every single credit for the movie in about 30 seconds. I’m pretty sure you had to pause the movie if you were hoping to get a clear look at anybody’s name. Another thing I learned was that this was released by Asylum, the company responsible for a plethora of SyFy shit shows, as well as all of those Paranormal Entity/Transmorphers/Snakes on a Train movies. The only thing I could hope for would be that this movie would be bad enough that there’d be a few laughs, but did I? Read further to find out! In case you don’t have the time, yes, I did laugh at it.

Some solid acting where she acts like she doesn’t want to puke all over her “husband’s” face.

There’s a new sheriff in Salem, MA, and it is a guy who looks like Dobby from Harry Potter, played by Bill Oberst, Jr. This movie is already going to be a stretch to believe any of, because his wife, played by Courtney Abbiati, is attractive, making her COMPLETELY out of his league. Anyways, the two of them, along with their kids, move into the house in Salem where every sheriff has lived for a billion years or whatever. You’d think they’d live a quiet, happy life in Salem and nothing bad ever happened to them at all. WELL YOU’D BE WRONG FOR THINKING THAT, OBVIOUSLY. Objects have been moving around, a huge string of hair is pulled from out of the shower with a tooth attached, you know, standard stuff. Their daughter even starts getting sick and puking on the breakfast table, which makes new sheriff guy start to investigate these weird things. Remember when I said all the sheriffs have lived here? Well, that even means the sheriffs responsible for all the witches who were hung during the Salem Witch Trials! Nooooo!!!! Now they’re seeking revenge! Anyways, the whole family is either killed by the ghosts directly or indirectly, and eventually the sheriff tries to set it on fire, only to be startled by a ghost and have the credits roll.

Pretty sure daughter “Ali” weighed about 75 pounds…AND DAMN, THAT IS HOT.

Sounds pretty terrible, right? Well you’d be right for making that assumption. It was quite awful. Luckily, there were a few moments that were so awful, that to remember them causes me to chuckle. Before I get to that though, I’d like to point out that this movie was NOT filmed in Salem, except for maybe one shot that came from some archive or something. I looked it up, and it was filmed in Pasadena, CA. PASADENA IS NOT SALEM, NOT EVEN CLOSE, FUCK YOU FOR THINKING YOU COULD TRICK ME. Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, I also wanted to point out that none of the creepiness or scares came from atmosphere, and they were all jump scares that effectively startled Rampaige. Good for them. But the biggest highlight of this film centers around computers. You know how in movies that have a small budget, they have to cover up all corporate logos and shit? Well, when we see the daughter, whose name is Ali, she is using a computer and has a girly looking “A” sticker cover up the DELL logo. Okay, fine, whatever. When she goes into her brother’s room and we see his computer, the DELL logo is covered up by CAUTION TAPE. THAT’S HOW IN TUNE THE FILMMAKERS ARE WITH YOUTH CULTURE. THEY KNOW THAT KIDS ARE SO STOKED ON DANGER, THEY ARBITRARILY CUT UP A PIECE OF CAUTION TAPE AND SLAP IT ON THE TOP OF THEIR COMPUTER. When we see Ali using her computer, she is using some sort of instant messaging service to chat with her friend. Ali’s screen name is something stupid like “Ali117” or something equally as dumb. She is startled when she is messaged by the screen name “Salem 1692”. When she asks who this person is, they reply with the number 19. Why on Earth would someone respond like that? BECAUSE THAT’S HOW MANY PEOPLE WERE KILLED BECAUSE OF THE SHERIFF! This screen name also calls her “Ali”, which startles her. She responds with, “How did you know my name?”, because to her, this person is a stranger. Apparently she forgot that HER FUCKING SCREEN NAME IS HER GODDAMN FIRST NAME. IF IT WAS A STRANGER, HE HAD A GOOD CHANCE OF HER USING HER OWN FIRST NAME IN HER SCREEN NAME. It was either that, or she was actually Muhammed Ali, but I don’t think he knows how to use a computer. Between the bad acting, writing, and absolutely no tension being built whatsoever, this movie was pretty awful, but wasn’t too bad for a laugh.

Wolfman Moon Scale