Splice (2009) [REVIEW]

SCIENCE! Name one good thing that science has done for you lately. I dare you. No, I’m not talking about getting a text message or the invention of gravity or anything, but name ONE way in which has helped you personally. Couldn’t think of anything? Didn’t think so! You know what else is played out? MATH! NOBODY LIKES MATH! Only nerd losers like math or science. Yeah sure, pictures of outer space are pretty cool I guess, but it’s not like I’m ever going to see that shit in person. It’s like, “Hey, check out this picture of a totally hot babe that you’re never going to see in real life!” and I’ll be like, “Say whaat? DAMN!” What the fuck was I talking about? OH YEAH! Science! Remember when we were kids and we thought we’d have flying cars and jetpacks?! WHAT’S UP WITH THAT?! No but seriously, a friend of mine and I were the only two people to attend a talk by James Kakalios, author of The Physics of Superheroes and he pointed out that even though the mechanical aspect of science hasn’t grown as exponentially as people thought it was, the science of information has grown in its place. I can’t really remember what that means as I type it out, but think about the internet and how much information we all have on each other and how accessible that shit is to everybody…crazy, right? Nobody thought we’d learn that much about each other or the solar system or the human body! So take THAT, science! What’s this movie about again? Oh yeah, weirdo scientists.

Like, what the fuck is this thing? A rabbit? A butterfly? A Mouser?

Clive (Adrien Brody) and Elsa (Sarah Polley) are two genetic scientists on the verge of a breakthrough. They’ve genetically engineered two brand new life forms, but that’s only where their plans start. They know that the must move on to human trials, but when their financial backers frown at this, they move ahead in secret by using one of Elsa’s eggs. To their surprise, the shit actually works and a baby is born. They never really quite explain what the creature is made up of, other than it’s part human but also has a tail and wings and amphibious lungs. How do they know about the lungs? Well when Clive realizes what they’re doing is wrong, he tries to drown it, only to see it start breathing. AWKWARD. As their creation is developing more and more quickly, getting smarter and smarter, Clive and Elsa realize they need to relocate it from their lab and to a barn owned by Elsa’s family. Despite Clive wanting to kill their freak, Elsa says that because it’s maturing so quickly, it will soon be dead anyway. Clive’s okay with that, but when there’s a big press conference about the first two creatures they made earlier in the film, everyone sees these things kill each other because the female accidentally turned into a male while they were focusing on the monster in the barn. Elsa sees how dangerous the creature is and does some surgery on it to remove a stinger it had grown, but when Clive sees its vulnerability, he decides to have sex with it. COME ON, CLIVE! THAT’S A BAD IDEA! Both Clive and Elsa realize the danger they’re in by keeping this thing alive, but when they go to kill it, they find that it’s died. After burying it, other scientists show up to find out what the fuck is going on, only to realize the thing isn’t dead, but is just as dangerous as ever. Demonstrating the traits that the other creatures did, this thing has turned into a male and decides to fuck Elsa and kill Clive. After Clive’s death, we see Elsa having a meeting with the financial backers and see that they’re offering her money. When Elsa stands up, we see that she was impregnated by the weird thing and she’s getting money to deliver the babies! Cool!

I guess I can see being attracted to that thing. It could always use that tail to do butt stuff, right? I mean, if you were into that thing or whatever…heh heh…I’VE MADE A HUGE MISTAKE.

The problem that I have with the ending is that YOU KNEW THAT SHIT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN RIGHT FROM THE FUCKING BEGINNING! I don’t know, maybe I’m just super smart, but just knowing a little bit about the plot I knew that the creature, who was nicknamed “Dren”, was going to be killed but not before getting something pregnant or leave eggs somewhere or something like that. Dammit, I’m so mad! IT WAS SO FUCKING OBVIOUS!!!!!!! Ugh, anyways, this movie wasn’t really my jam.The reviews that I got from other people were pretty divisive, with some people absolutely hating it and others absolutely loving it. I fall into the former category, as this really just wasn’t for me. I don’t think the whole “mad scientist” approach towards horror films have ever really been my thing, even including things like Frankenstein. I don’t really know why either, maybe just because I know that shit would NEVER happen. I’m not saying that all other horror movies are enjoyable because of the possibility of them happening, but they lean too far towards the science fiction end of the spectrum that none of them really get me that excited. They all have that B Movie feel to them, but it was cool to see this weird as shit movie get a theatrical release. If anything, it stood out amongst all other generic horror movies released theatrically, and I will say that seeing Dren made me feel weird and uncomfortable, so they at least succeeded in that respect. However, I would like to remind everyone that ADRIEN BRODY FUCKS A MONSTER WOMAN THAT HE CREATED IN A LAB. Again, I’m not saying I need realism in my horror movies, but to think that anyone would ever walk into a room, see their husband fucking a monster, walk out, and then be willing to put that aside is such a fucking crazy leap in the logic for me to even give a shit about anything else that happened in the movie. I’m not going to give anyone shit for being into this movie, but I certainly never need to see it again.

Wolfman Moon Scale