No One Lives (2012) [REVIEW]

I wouldn’t necessarily say that WWE Studios have built themselves all that impressive of a reputation with the films they’ve produced, but I also can’t say that I’ve seen a single fucking one of them. They’ve generally been action films, as they always cast at least one wrestler in it, and if action alone wasn’t really my thing, action movies starring wrestlers REALLY aren’t my thing. Even though the first thing I saw in the trailer for No One Lives was the logo for WWE, I was kind of surprised to not notice the obvious incorporation of a famous wrestler. I did notice that America Olivo was in it, who I’ve now seen and enjoyed in both the Maniac remake and in Friday the 13th. She’s not a wrestler, is she?! Holy shit guys, she’s probably a wrestler. I LIKE A WRESTLER?! Then I guess it’s okay that I watched this movie! There are spoilers ahead, so travel at your own risk….OF BEING BODYSLAMMED!

Luke Evans was definitely doing his best Frank Castle impersonation, and for the cheesiness of the movie, I think it worked.

So there’s this dude, played by Luke Evans, and his girlfriend moving across country or something when they see a new report about a girl who escaped a house where 14 of her friends were murdered. Meanwhile, a group of criminals are robbing a giant mansion, only for the residents of this mansion to come home and subsequently be murdered by these criminals. Would you believe that these criminals cross paths with Mr. Evans and then capture him and his girlfriend? DAMMIT, LUKE. WHY WOULD YOU TRAVEL NEAR CRIMINALS?! Once the criminals tie up our happy couple, they go into the trunk of their car and discover…THE GIRL WHO ESCAPED THE MURDERS ALL TIED UP AND SHIT IN THE TRUNK! Uh oh, that’s weird. When one of the criminals kills the girlfriend, you can imagine that Luke gets pissed and kills this big old fat dude who was probably a wrestler. The criminals hold onto the kidnapped girl, also having seen on the news that she’s worth money, but Evans’s character gets into his trailer and booby traps the house they’re staying in. He murders the criminals one by one, showing affection towards the girl who was in his trunk. When she’s finally the only one left, we learn that he has put some sort of tracking device in her stomach, leaving a scar that is the exact same kind of scar as the first girl he was with! These aren’t his girlfriends, he’s just a fucking weirdo who kidnaps girls and puts tracking things in them! Anyways, he leaves her to die, but finds one criminal who made it to the hospital and says, “No one lives,” similar to the name of the movie, then kills him! Then there’s ten minutes of credits!

Hey! Who’s that with America Olivo?! It’s that girl from Silent Hill: Revelation that looks like a fake Carey Mulligan! Cool!

Even though I had heard nothing good about this movie, and it was produced by the WWE and featured a wrestler, I ended up kind of enjoying it. WHOA, GUYS, DON’T GET CONFUSED, THIS MOVIE WAS NOT GOOD. All I’m saying is that there were a few things that surprised me. Even though I knew there was that twist of the girl in the trunk, it was surprising to see which character had her in their trunk and how early that reveal was made. At that point in the movie, not really knowing the plot, I thought it was just another typical “couple on a road trip” torture movie, so I enjoyed that reveal early on. Once it happened, it felt similar to something like The Last House on the Left or I Spit On Your Grave where you knew the villains deserved everything that was coming to them and enjoyed seeing them meet their ends. I didn’t look it up until afterwards, but when I found out that this director, Ryûhei Kitamura, also made Midnight Meat Train, the over-the-top gore made perfect sense. There were heads chopped off, people being dropped into giant grinders and their soupy guts put in a burlap sack, and even a scene where a skinny guy hides INSIDE the body of a dead guy. The twist at the end about the tracking device was obviously far-fetched and ridiculous, but it was a nice little gag to tie the ending into some of the stuff we had seen earlier on. If you’re looking for a flimsy plot that really only serves the purpose of throwing some gore around, albeit CGI gore, than No One Lives isn’t all that bad, but if you’re looking for interesting characters or a good script or anything like that, feel free to pass on this one.

Wolfman Moon Scale