Silent Hill: Revelation (2012) [REVIEW]

Does anyone remember anything about the first Silent Hill movie? Something about some guy with a pyramid on his head? Or something? Whatever. Even though I don’t remember much about the plot of the first film, there were some cool special effects and some sequences really created a great, creepy atmosphere. Even though I never played the Silent Hill videogame personally, I remember watching friends play it and thought it was awesome how the entire town was full of fog and it was raining ash. I was surprised to find out that they made a sequel to that first movie, because even though it has its own fanbase in the horror and videogame communities, it never really did all that well at the box office. Apparently Silent Hill: Revelation 3D was released in theaters? Are you fucking serious? I had no idea this movie came out in theaters. I also didn’t know that Sean Bean and Kit Harington were in this, who, if you’re like me, you’ll know better as Ned Stark and Jon Snow from Game of Thrones. Even though I hadn’t heard a single good thing about the movie, I figured that maybe if there were some effects that were as cool as effects from the first film, this movie wouldn’t be a complete waste of time, and it’d be cool to see Ned Stark and Jon Snow together again. I think there are going to be spoilers in this review, but lucky for you, I don’t really remember much of what the fuck happened, so it’s possible I got the plot entirely wrong.

HOW DOES HE EVEN SEE OUT OF THAT THING AND WHY’S HIS SWORD SO BIG?!

Some girl who looks like a Fake Michelle Williams (Adelaide Clemens), and will only be referred to as Fake Michelle Williams, has a nightmare of her adoptive father, who I will only refer to as Ned Stark (Sean Bean), getting killed. Luckily, Ned Stark is alive, and he gives us the exposition about how his wife and daughter are still stuck in Silent Hill and for some reason these two keep moving around to new places. When Fake Michelle Williams gets to school, she acts like a real dick by telling everyone that she won’t talk to them on Facebook or Twitter, but another new kid in school, who I will only call Jon Snow (Kit Harington), is totally into it. When Fake Michelle Williams and Jon Snow go back to her house, there’s a note in blood explaining that Ned Stark has been taken to Silent Hill, so the two of them head to this alternate dimension full of scary monsters. As they’re running around Silent Hill trying not to get killed by monsters, they come across Malcolm McDowell in a dress. I don’t know if he said anything important because I got distracted and looked him up on IMDb to see how many movies he’s credited with (224!). Jon Snow takes his shirt off to show Fake Michelle Williams that he’s got a bunch of scars and brands and shit on his chest because he is a kid who grew up in the spooky dimension Silent Hill and he was allowed to leave to join the real world. The person who kidnapped Ned Stark is played by Carrie-Anne Moss, who will now only be referred to as “Albino Trinity”. Albino Trinity tries telling Fake Michelle Williams why it was her father who was kidnapped and I think that’s another moment where I got distracted looking up where Carrie-Anne Moss has been, and when I looked up, Albino Trinity has turned into a Hellraiser-esque Cenobite type of monster and starts trying to kill Fake Michelle Williams. Right when Cenobite Trinity tries to kill her, WHAM! PYRAMIDHEAD SHOWS UP! Remember him? He was in the first movie and has been randomly seen throughout this movie, but good luck if you expect me to explain why he stops Cenobite Trinity. Fake Michelle Williams, Jon Snow, and Ned Stark are all about to leave alternate dimension Silent Hill, but then Ned Stark mentions how his wife is still there, so he stays behind. Fake Michelle Williams and Jon Snow leave without Ned, and even though they get picked up by a truck, we see the fog start forming behind them. I bet something else crazy is going to happen there to someone at some point!

They warned you about not going north of The Wall…plus, this girl could also possibly be Carey Mulligan.

Supposedly this movie was based on the videogame of the same name, so I can’t really vouch for how accurate of an interpretation this movie was of that story. Although I can tell you, that based on someone who was kind of sort of paying attention, I didn’t have much of a fucking clue as to what was happening. Sure, it’s entirely possible that it was my fault, but it’s also possible that the filmmakers didn’t really know what the fuck they were doing and threw in tons of extraneous scenes and characters. I mean, really, Malcolm McDowell in a dress? Did that have anything to do anything in the movie? I doubt it. There was also an Evil Fake Michelle Williams character that I guess was the reason everyone in Evil Silent Hill blamed bad things on? I don’t know guys, what the fuck. I read something where this “franchise” was compared to the straight to video installments of the Hellraiser franchise, and I think that’s an accurate comparison. Despite both franchises featuring confusing, uninteresting plots, it doesn’t really matter because you’re watching it to see what kind of sick and twisted monsters the filmmakers come up with. There was one kind of lame mannequin monster thing that was CGI, but other than that, almost every other creature was done with practical effects. There might’ve been some CGI tweaking, but seeing Pyramidhead and those weirdo disfigured nurses with cool boobs, you got the same feeling from this film as you did with the original Silent Hill, at least as far as Clive Barker worship is concerned. This movie didn’t have as much of an atmosphere as the first film, which really makes the film suffer, but if you’re just looking to see some interesting creatures strung together by a paper-thin plot, then this movie will meet those expectations.

Wolfman Moon Scale