How’s that for a long-ass post title? I was recently cleaning out my bag from Fantastic Fest and saw all those slips of paper you needed to get into the movies. I realized that in one day, I saw Afflicted, Ragnarok, A Field in England, and The Sacrament, which were all films that I enjoyed for lots of different reasons. As if all of those movies weren’t fun enough, I wrapped up my evening with an 11:45 showing of Witching & Bitching. And guys? HOLY FUCK. If there was one movie that could give me enough insane energy after being in movie theaters for 14+ hours, it was Witching & Bitching. All I really knew about it was that it would involve witches, to some extent, and that some of my friends there were really excited for it. Friends? Witches? BITCHES? I’m so fucking in! However, trying to recap the insanity of this film might lead me off the rails, so I apologize if I get any (all) of the plot points confused.
I’m not the only one with a boner, am I?
What appear to be just a group of weird street performers break character to rob a pawn shop. Granted, some of the street performers are ACTUAL performers, like some guy dressed as the invisible man and I think maybe a guy is dressed as a banana or something, but it’s a fantastically hilarious segment of street performers running wyld. Yes, I know I spelled it “wyld”, because that seems more accurate. The man who organized the robbery, Luismi (Javier Botet), even gets his young son involved on the action, as it’s his weekend to take care of him. While trying to flee the country with their spoils, Luismi and his crew find themselves in the home of a group of older women, and also the home of Eva (Carolina Bang), a super-hot witchbitch with an undercut. It should be noted that it’s not just Eva that’s a witch, but all the other ladies are too. With her son being missing in action, Luismi’s ex-wife is able to use the GPS in his phone to track him to the witch house along with some police inspectors. There’s now a whole group of people at this house, and that’s when shit gets really witchy and bitchy. These witches are cannibals, so they want to eat some people, but they also want to use some of these people as sacrifices to some grand mega-witch monster type of thing. Guys…..it’s nuts. This movie is nuts.
CAROLINA BANG: EVEN HER NAME CAUSES BONERS
DID I MENTION THIS MOVIE IS FUCKING NUTS?! It’s like the Crank or Shoot ‘Em Up of witch movies, and it’s fucking fantastic. There’s Jesus running around with a shotgun, monsters trying to grab butts by reaching their arms up out of toilets, and a 40 foot tall supreme witchbitch who wears a wicker hat and has giant monster boobs swinging all over the place. The frenetic editing and the visual style felt a lot like I was watching Night Watch, but the insanity of what I was actually seeing made me feel like Jason Statham could show up at any moment. Which, by the way, could’ve been awesome. I think the only issue that the film had might have been the pacing, as it felt like it was three hours long once I finally left the theater. According to the internet, it is just a few minutes shy of being a full two hours, and maybe it was because I had been in theaters all day, but if this could have been trimmed down to 90 minutes of insanity, it would get my fullest regards. With all that insane stuff happening, it was hard to keep the pacing consistent, because obviously you need moments to develop some semblance of plot but those slower moments really sink in with the audience and your adrenaline just starts to dissolve. Even though it’s somewhat exhausting, Witching & Bitching does for witch movies what taking angel dust is for BEING ALIVE. It’s funny, disgusting, fucking insane, and have I mentioned how good Carolina Bang looks in it? Well worth price of admission.
Wolfman Moon Scale