I’M THO THOR THAT I CAN’T EVEN PITH! See, that was a joke about people who have speech impediments. Haha, those fuckers. It’s like, instead of pronouncing an “s” sound, it comes out as a “th” sound. Whoa boy, I’m off to a great start. You know what movie I wasn’t really looking forward to seeing? Thor: The Dark World. I like comic books and I like comic book movies, but Thor isn’t really a character I’m super into. I read it a few years ago when he brought Asgard to Kansas or whatever, but the plot got a little too fantastical and cosmic for my liking so I got the fuck outta there. I enjoyed the first Thor movie (review here) enough and thought he worked really well as just a secondary character in The Avengers, but the trailer for this movie just didn’t really do much for me. However, I am a loser and go see a lot of movies so I went to see this anyway and…….well, fart. You can just keep reading to find out!

Thor is always making ladies wet!

After having saved the world from an alien invasion, Thor (Chris Hemsworth) is back to helping his Asgardian pals as he defends the nine realms from evildoers. His brother Loki (Tom Hiddleston) is in Asgardian jail for being a dick but Thor’s ex-girlfriend, Jane Foster (Natalie Portman), is still curious why she hasn’t heard from him. Her sadness doesn’t stop her from stumbling upon an astrophysical anomaly that shows that the bridge between all nine realms is going to be at its weakest for the first time in thousands of years as they all align!  Jane also happens to stumble upon something called “the ether”, which we know is evil because of an opening sequence involving Dark Elves and magic and, well, the ether. Lame brain Jane gets infested or something with the ether, which Thor finds to be important, so he returns to her. Sadly, Thor’s dad Odin (Anthony Hopkins) doesn’t approve of Thor intervening in the lives of humans, so Thor needs to free Loki from jail so that way he has Loki’s sneaky tricks to fight the bad guys! Bad guys are fought, people are hit with Thor’s hammer, Loki says smarmy things, and a good time is had by all. Oh, and the good guys win somehow.

Look! It’s a bunch of characters talking about conflicts and situations that I’m heavily invested in. JKJKJK.

MORE LIKE “SNORE: THE DARK WORLD”, AM I RIGHT?! Sorry, I haven’t really gotten enough mileage out of that joke. Yeah, I got pretty bored during the movie, but I also knew going into it that it was dealing with aspects of the Marvel universe that I’m not really interested in. This isn’t to say that the film was poorly made or that there were any flaws with it, it just wasn’t really my thing. Thor looked cool when he was smashing stuff, but this movie wasn’t really a “smash tons of stuff” movie. People fucking love Loki, and I just don’t really get it. I feel that same way about Loki that I feel about Daryl on The Walking Dead. They are both characters that found a lot of success with fans early on, so both characters were given much more to do and both characters were written with an emphasis on what the fans enjoyed. Tom Hiddleston is great in the role, but I don’t really connect with Loki as much as everyone else does. I actually just wanted to see more of Sif, played by Jaimie Alexander, as an Asgardian warrior who has eyes for Thor who Thor also kind of likes but for some reason won’t have sex with. They hinted at that dichotomy a little bit but I think avoided exploring the Sif/Thor/Jane Foster love triangle when there were Dark Elves running around. A lot of people have been saying that they felt like this film could have been a new Star Wars film in the way the universes were built and the combination of science fiction and fantasy,  but it felt more like Phantom Menace more than the original trilogy. GUYS, I’M NOT SAYING THIS MOVIE WAS AS BAD AS PHANTOM MENACE. I’m saying that there’s a difference between creating a universe with characters and backstories and mythology and coming up with a universe you actually care about. At least the first Thor served as a good introduction for the character and helped introduce him so he could show up in The Avengers, but as far as his own franchise goes, I can’t say I’m all that excited about what we can expect from Thor 3.

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