WOW. GUYS. WOW. HAVE YOU FUCKING SEEN THIS MOVIE? HOLY FUCK. GUYS. SERIOUSLY. I don’t even know where I heard of this movie or where it came from, but, wow. I think I must have seen it on some sort of Christmas themed horror list, duh, but I don’t know if it was in the “best” category or “worst” category. But, guys, holy shit, this movie was nuts. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that Elves is just a sequel to Elf, right?! Well you’re wrong. DEAD FUCKING WRONG. Like, seriously, if any of the shit that happened in this movie was ever in a movie starring Will Ferrel and was targeted at children, well, those people would have to go to jail for the rest of their lives. I just…do whatever the fuck you can to get your hands on this movie. It’s only available on VHS so find a copy or make friends with someone who has it because you will NOT fucking regret it. For those of you who won’t ever get a copy of it, well, sit back and enjoy as I attempt to recap the fucking madness that is Elves.
Yes, this picture is fucking shitty, but did I mention this movie can only be found on VHS!? This is what the stupid fucking elf looks like!
A couple of shithead teenage girls are holding some sort of ceremony because they hate Christmas and one of them shows the others a drawing she made of a naked chick and says something about Art Deco boobs. Kirsten (Julie Austin) accidentally cuts her hand on a candle and the blood unleashes and evil little fucking elf monster from the ground. She goes back home and gets slapped by her grandfather (twice) for being shitty and then her brother spies on her in the shower. Her little brother says, “You’ve got fucking big tits and I’m going to tell everyone I saw them!” because he’s a goddamned pervert. The elf that was unleashed attacks the little brother in his sleep in an attempt to get to Kirsten (maybe?). In the meantime, Mike (Dan Haggerty) has taken a job as the mall Santa where Kirsten works because he lost his job as a cop due to his alcoholism. He sneaks back into the mall after it closes because he has nowhere else to stay and Kirsten also sneaks in with her friends so they can fuck some boys in some tents. Unfortunately, Nazis show up and there’s a shootout and the fucking elf is there running around causing madness and Mike and Kirsten are just like WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?! So is the audience. Mike finds a symbol left behind by the elf or something and tracks it down at the library and the librarian tells Mike that Nazis used to use occult ceremonies to bring elves to life so that an Aryan virgin could fuck the elf and create the master race. Og yeah, there’s also something in the Bible about how elves are real and were on Noah’s ark. Oh and by the way, while this is happening, Kirsten finds out that her grandfather is ALSO her father because he was involved in the Nazi program to keep the genetic line of Aryans pure and fucked his own daughter. THAT’S WHY SHE’S GOING TO GET FUCKED BY AN ELF. Before he gets killed by Nazis showing up, her grand/father tells her that she needs to stab something with some shard of something? Oh but it turns out if you connect the lines on the drawing of the Art Deco boobs, you get Swastikas. WHAT. Yeah so there’s this horny-ass elf monster trying to hump Kirsten’s leg and then she stabs the ground by yelling something like “Take this you faggot!” and the elf explodes. When her and her little brother wake up in the woods, the forest has been completely decimated and she tells her brother Merry Christmas and then we see a weird glowing elf embryo because MAYBE THE ELF ACTUALLY FUCKED HER. OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING.
WOULD YOU LET THIS FUCKING MANIAC INTO YOUR HOUSE!?
WAIT, DID YOU FUCKING READ THAT?! DID YOU FUCKING READ WHAT HAPPENS IN THIS MOVIE?! HOLY SHIT. I just…I just don’t even know. If you’ve read reviews of mine in the past, you’ll know that I don’t fully endorse movies that are known so be “so bad, they’re good”. It takes a certain charm and level of insanity of a movie for it to reach that level, and holy fucking shit, Elves reaches that level. The acting is terrible, the script is terrible, the elf is fucking TERRIBLE to look at. I honestly don’t think it made more than one face. It kind of opened and closed its mouth a few times, but that’s about it. DID YOU READ THE PART ABOUT THE LITTLE BROTHER BRAGGING ABOUT THE “FUCKING BIG TITS”? OR THE PART WHERE THE HEROINE REFERS TO AN ELF AS A “FAGGOT” BEFORE STABBING THE GROUND WITH A ROCK? Hahahaha I just remembered a part where one of the teenage girls is bragging to her friends about wearing a red bra. SHE’S ALL LIKE, “HEY GUYS, WHAT DO YOU THINK?” and she’s wearing a red bra. WOW GOOD FOR YOU, IT’S FUCKING RED. THAT IS FUCKING HOT. There’s a scene where Mike, who is a big bearded fuck, goes to get more information about the elves at this dude’s house who is in the MIDDLE OF FUCKING CHRISTMAS DINNER and he just fucking barges in and says, “Tell me everything you know about Nazis and elves,” with a straight fucking face and THE DUDE JUST FUCKING NONCHALANTLY TELLS HIM EVERYTHING HE FUCKING KNOWS ABOUT IT. LIKE, HE DOESN’T EVEN FREAK OUT ABOUT A BIG, BEARDED STRANGER COMING IN AND SAYING INSANE SHIT. Oh yeah, and this takes place after a scene where Mike thinks he’s being chased by Nazis (which he is) and he wants to shake them from his tail so he reaches under his seat for some fucking DYNAMITE SO HE CAN JUMP OUT OF HIS CAR AND BLOW IT UP. AS A DISTRACTION. THAT’S HOW A NORMAL MAN DISTRACTS NAZIS, BY JUMPING OUT OF HIS CAR THEN EXPLODING IT. When Kirsten and her brother wake up and the woods have been destroyed inexplicably, it really did feel like a Fulci movie. It was awesome. Just out of nowhere they are existing in some sort of Hellscape and I fucking loved it. GUYS. THIS MOVIE WAS FUCKING AMAZING. BUY. WATCH IT. LOSE YOUR MIND. HAIL SATAN.
Wolfman Moon Scale