WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT GRAMMAR IS THAT?! Is it a Christmas where we are tilling soil and we are not supposed to open it? Ugh. Oh well, this movie was made by British people and they like, I don’t know, discovered the English language so I guess I can’t be too mad at their grammar. Instead I’ll get mad at Kelsey Grammer because what the fuck has THAT guy done lately? I really don’t know if he’s done anything since he fell off that stage. Maybe he was Beast after that? There’s probably no way of knowing. Oh, Kelsey Grammer isn’t in Don’t Open Till Christmas, by the way. I was just talking nonsense. Like all the other movies I’ve reviewed the past few weeks, here’s another one about Christmas. There will be spoilers in this review, so my non-spoilery review is that you should watch it. Yeah, just watch it. Seriously, the whole thing is on YouTube, so just watch it.

I can see right through your mask! Did you not realize it was clear?

A man in a Santa suit is trying to have sex with a lady in a car when they are interrupted and the guy dressed as Santa is killed. At a holiday party where a guy is dressed up as Santa, a guy dressed as Santa gets killed when a giant spear is thrown through his head. Notice a pattern? Well, so do the police and some other random guy who keeps calling the police to taunt them. Here’s the thing: someone is killing people dressed as Santa! What are they going to do, tell people to stop dressing as Santa? IT’S CHRISTMASTIME, GUYS. IT’S NOT AS EASY AS THAT! More and more Santas are getting killed and it’s unclear the motives behind the killer and who exactly the killer is, except for that one guy who keeps calling the police to taunt them. As we learn more about the one responsible for all the Santa murders, we see that when he was a child, he walked in on his father dressed as Santa cheating on his mother, which resulted in a physical confrontation where his mother ended up getting killed. Think that’s why he is killing Santas? Yeah, probably. It also turns out that the lead detective on the case is his brother! And that’s why his brother has a package delivered to him that says “Don’t Open Till Christmas”, like the name of the movie. Well when the Santa murderer thinks he can get away with taking a captive, he ends up dead, and the murders have been solved. When the lead detective finally opens the present from his brother, it’s a bomb and his house blows up. Aw, sad Christmas.

THIS WON’T KEEP ANYONE WARM! Although it’s doing wonders for MY North Pole, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. I meant a boner.

Even though the justification for why this guy was murdering Santas was really similar to something like Silent Night, Deadly Night, it was cool to see the story being told in a different way. Rather than events unfolding like a slasher movie, Don’t Open Till Christmas played out more like a serial killer film with a lot of cat and mouse elements to it. Even though the film wasn’t a slasher, it still felt really sleazy. There was an adult film actress who was baited into wearing a Santa suit to lure out the killer, there were a few scenes that took place at a strip club, and one of the Santas got stabbed in the dick. Maybe that doesn’t make the movie sleazy, but since he was at a urinal and you saw bright red blood spraying against the inside of a urinal, it looked pretty gross. Combine the sleaze factor with the European filmmaking and this film felt way more like a giallo than something like SN, DN. Since I’m not a giallo expert, there might be some people who correct me as to what makes a film “giallo”, but that’s what I’m going to call it. Although it might not necessarily be better than that other film where a traumatic childhood incident involving Santa that causes an adult to murder people, I think it’s all just whether you like slashers more than giallos. Don’t Open Till Christmas is definitely worth checking out if you’re sick of seeing Christmas slashers. I mentioned the blood piss thing, right? Yeah, that was pretty gross.

Wolfman Moon Scale