I did it! I finally got to the last one! You’ll notice that there’s a return to form with Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker in that the SNDN comes first. It reminds you that this is a sequel to those other ones! Ugh. I’m pretty happy to be done with these movies because they’ve been pretty dreadful since Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2. Do you think this will have anything to do with the first three movies? Or maybe it’s a sequel to the previous movie? Will it get meta and reference both versions of the mythology? GUYS HOLY SHIT HOW WILL THIS FRANCHISE CONCLUDE?! Well, keep reading and find out.

Yeah sure, you’re short and fat, but where’s your fucking beard?

It’s almost Christmas and little Derek (William Thorne) narrowly avoids seeing his mom having sex with his dad by opening his front door. He finds a toy on his doorstep, and when his dad sees Derek, he tells him to get to bed. He picks up the toy Derek found and the toy electrocutes him or something and he just kind of spins around in slow motion for at LEAST 35 minutes before falling on a fireplace poker. When his mom (Jane Higginson) tries to help him cope with the death by taking him to a toy store, they meet the owner of the store, played by Mickey Rooney, and his fucked up weirdo son Pino (Brian Bremer). Pino gives a customer a larvae toy that comes to life and burrows into the guy’s skin, so clearly this toy maker is a little bit fucked. Derek and his mom are also kind of being stalked by Noah (Tracy Fraim), but it’s okay because eventually we learn that Noah is Derek’s real father. I think it’s Noah that informs the audience that Mickey Rooney is fucking nuts because his pregnant wife died in a car crash and he started booby trapping toys. This means that Mickey Rooney is now trying to kill Derek because he lives in Mickey Rooney’s old house or something? I don’t know, then Pino ends up being a robot and Mickey Rooney tries to kill people with toys and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t but eventually the Pino robot is defeated and everyone has a cool Christmas.

This IS how sex happens, right? I’m practicing so I get to do it some day.

Remember how I was wondering whether or not this movie would fall in live with the first three movies or the most recent one? I STILL HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA. There’s a larvae that comes to life, which reminds you of the larvae used in Initiation: Silent Night, Deadly Night 4, but there are a shit ton of other toys that come to life that it’s hard to say it’s a direct connection. Also, Noah plays a mall Santa and one scene involves him asking to take a shift from another mall Santa who is played by…CLINT HOWARD. WAIT. CLINT HOWARD. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?! ARE YOU PLAYING YOUR CHARACTER FROM THE PREVIOUS MOVIE? IS THIS MOVIE A PREQUEL TO THE FOURTH MOVIE? WERE YOU JUST BORED? I don’t get it. We also see Mickey Rooney dressed as a Santa placing toys in a room with a couple having sex, so there’s also somewhat of a connection to the first two movies in which someone actively murders other people in a Santa outfit. Oh, by the way, that scene was wacky because there are multiple shots of the dude’s butt in tighty whiteys with a toy hand trying to crawl up his butt and he was getting all horny because of it. WHAT WAS HAPPENING IN THIS MOVIE?! WHY DID PINO ROBOT TRY TO FUCK DEREK’S MOM? HE STRIPS DOWN AND SHOWS THAT HE’S A DOLL AND HAS NOTHING GOING ON IN THE BATHING SUIT AREA. Holy shit. So much weird stuff happens in this movie, but ya know what? It’s actually pretty fun. It’s not good or anything, but it’s weird enough to keep your interest and you get to see a kid wearing rollerblades that have rockets in them. Good job, Mickey Rooney!

Wolfman Moon Scale