Death Tunnel (2005) [REVIEW]

 

I’ve been reviewing some pretty cool movies lately, haven’t I? Between the 24 hour movie marathons and the film festival screenings I got to see, I’ve been pretty excited about horror movies lately. Along with that, I’ve also been sleepy. So very, very sleepy. This results in me not really watching as many movies the past couple of weeks, and then there’s no new material for you guys to read! My life is in shambles! Why review a movie like Death Tunnel? Well, it was the only thing streaming on Hulu that I thought would keep my attention long enough to not shut off. Speaking of my life being in shambles, the lives of everyone involved with this movie should be in shambles after making it. Let’s batten down the hatches for this shitshow!

 

You’re going to need a bigger stretcher to carry this giant pile of shit of to its death.

The movie starts by letting the audience know a little bit about Waverly Hills Sanatorium, which was a facility that was designed to treat tuberculosis. This is a real facility that is rumored to have had 100,000 people die in it, but more realistically, around 8,000 have died in. In this facility, there was an underground tunnel built for healthy people to walk in and out, and it also allowed dead people to be moved to a hearse without other patients seeing. The plot of this movie involves college girls getting drugged and taken to the facility why they get really spooked and are videotaped for other people to enjoy. But guess what? There really are ghosts there! Or something! And the girls are getting killed off one by one by the ghosts! Ugh, what a piece of garbage. There ends up being some sort of conspiracy that the person who organized all of the girls that got taken there had a connection to the sanatorium was trying to protect her family, who built the place, from a possible lawsuit, and the girls who were kidnapped had a connection to the people trying to sue? I don’t know guys, even though this movie was free, I lost interest, and I think one of the girls was actually a ghost? Or something? GET OUT OF MY FACE, DEATH TUNNEL.

 

I guess the special effects were kind of sort of not the absolute worst thing I’ve ever seen in my life? I guess?

Whoa boy, what a stinker. Maybe the 2.6 rating on IMDb should’ve tipped me off to what a hot pile of garbage this was going to be, but I ignored the warning signs. This movie reminded me a lot of the worst parts of Rob Zombie’s House of 1000 Corpses and the remake of Thirteen Ghosts. Featured heavily in House of 1000 Corpses was that fake archival footage on 16mm with lots of grain and sepia tones that, used sparsely, was kind of neat, but he used it too frequently and it looked so fake that it made those segments look silly. Thirteen Ghosts showed its ghosts in very frenetic sequences with jump cuts and close-ups and was just kind of a confusing mess. Combine those two terrible methods of filmmaking and do it even more frequently and that’s basically what this movie was. The concept was terrible, the direction was terrible, the characters were awful, it was just lots of garbage. Award for the worst scene was when a woman wakes up in an abandoned medical facility, doesn’t know where she is, but when she sees she is being videotaped, takes off all of her clothes, takes a shower, then spends the rest of the movie in a towel. When would anyone ever do something like that EVER? Jesus Christ. The only, ONLY thing about this movie that made me think anything positive, well, positive is too strong of a word, but the only line of dialogue I tolerated was a reference to a woman transferring from a college named “Danvers State”. The only reason that line stood out was because there used to be a really creepy mental institution in Danvers, MA, and I can assume that this was a reference to that creepy place. Other than that, this movie was a big, hot, steaming pile of garbage.

 

Wolfman Moon Scale

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