I’m posting this review from Rampaige’s computer because mine is acting like a little cocksucker, and she’s asleep right now, so don’t tell her. Since I don’t normally use a Mac, I hope I can figure out how to download pictures without inadvertently uploading photobooth pictures to some shitty tumblr or something. I remember seeing this movie when I worked at a movie theater, the night before it came out. This employee screening sticks out because a few weeks prior, there was a screening for Pirates of the Caribbean and a shit load of people showed up, and my boss got super pissed. We then had a limit to how many people we could bring, and I haven’t communicated with the two people I brought in years. Moral of the story? This movie ended friendships.

Hmmm….main actress is vaguely familiar? Check. Has big boobs? Check. Does this movie thinking she’ll break into the mainstream and has to settle for guest spots on a shitty show like Entourage? Check. At least the franchise is consistent!

First five minutes of this movie is Freddy explaining everything you need to know about his powers, and is just a montage of scenes from previous installments. Once that’s out of the way, we get right to the Jason aspect of things…some girl showing her boobs before going skinny dipping. Jason chases her through the woods and kills her, then his (supposedly) dead mother stats telling him that he needs to avenge her once more, that he needs to kill more people. We then realize that this is just Freddy using his power to manipulate Jason’s dreams so that people start becoming afraid of Freddy, thus giving him more power. And guess what? That’s exactly what happens! Good job!

Freddy leave your glove at home, the club is full of ballers and…dammit, I give up, I really don’t know Destiny’s Child lyrics well enough for a parody song.

Hmmm, I guess I could mention the REST of the plot. Some bitch moves into the Nightmare on Elm Street house, so when Jason shows up to kill someone, everyone thinks it’s actually Freddy. Jason is just going about killing teens who are doing drugs and having sex, but more and more people are believing it’s Freddy, making Freddy more powerful. It gets to the point where Jason starts doing a better job of killing people, which Freddy doesn’t like, so they turn on each other. There’s some lame side plot about kids overdosing on Hypnocil, the drug from NOES 3 that makes you sleep without dreaming, but that’s not really important. The important thing is Freddy and Jason fight, at one point in a flaming cabin with nu metal playing, and the result is a draw. We see a few fatal wounds inflicted by both parties involved, but the last thing we see is Jason walking while carrying Freddy’s head….then Freddy winks at the camera and the credits roll. APPARENTLY HE ISN’T DEAD BECAUSE HE CAN WINK! WOW!

Just looking at this scene screams LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR, so I don’t really need to include footage of the nu metal fight.

We’ve seen what happens when you take the Freddy mythology and try to make more than one successful film out of it, which you can’t. I haven’t gotten to review the entire Friday the 13th franchise, yet, but as a warning, it’s shitty. This film really does take the best parts from each character seamlessly for a thoroughly entertaining film. Is it scary? Fuck no, not at all, but it’s obvious that the filmmakers weren’t trying to make it scary, as much as they were trying to make a fun movie for people to just sit back and enjoy. A film like this would really only work with these two characters anyways, because they are on opposite ends of the horror spectrum. Freddy’s power lies in the mental world, so it’s your dreams you need be scared off, whereas Jason’s power is completely physical, and if you can escape his physical presence, you’ll be fine. The dialogue in this film is laughable, but is delivered so well by the actors that it’s obvious the dialogue was intended to be that bad, making it enjoyable from a comedic level as well. Is this the most well made film in either franchise? Not necessarily, but I’d say this film is arguably the most entertaining film in either franchise, because it is horror for horror’s sake. You don’t leave the theater afraid, it doesn’t make you afraid to open a closet or look under your bed, it just makes you wish more horror movies could be this fun.

Wolfman Moon Scale