You might remember me including this movie on my “Things I Want to See or Something” list that I had made a few months ago, but considering the price of 3D movies and the fact that this movie got terrible reviews, I held off on it. However, when I realized that this movie was released on VOD at the same time as its theatrical release, I figured I could commit the time to watching it. I’m sure the fact that this movie was released in theaters at the same time as in your house was an indication of how good it wasn’t going to be, but I think Melancholia did the same thing, and that movie was fucking awesome. Does this mean that Piranha 3DD was as good as Melancholia? ALMOST. But not close at all. Also, WAY TO HAVE PROPER GRAMMAR ON YOUR POSTER, YOU DIPSHITS. “DOUBLE THE D’S” DOESN’T MAKE SENSE, ASSHEADS.
Sorry, Christopher Lloyd, but you’re no Richard Dreyfuss in a denim suit.
Remember how in the previous movie, there were killer, prehistoric piranhas that were unleashed from an underground lake and killed a bunch of spring breakers? Pretty much the same kind of things happened in this movie. Shit, I really am going to have to describe more than that, aren’t I? Okay, well there’s this one girl (Danielle Panabaker) who returns from college to find out that her stepfather has turned the waterpark she co-owns with him into a place with lots of huge, bouncing tits. HOW IS THIS SOMETHING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT?! Some of her friends start getting eaten by piranhas in the local lake, including one girl (Katrina Bowden) who feels like she got bitten on her vagina. Later on, she decides to lose her virginity, and would you believe that what actually happened was a piranha swam up her vagina and then bit the guy’s dick while they were doing it? WOW SO CRAZY. We learn that the waterpark is getting its water pumped in through the underground piranha lake, so a bunch of people at the park get killed. They then get out of the water,and stop being killed. That’s when we see that the piranhas are starting to learn to walk and a little boy gets killed out of nowhere! WOW THAT WAS SHOCKING!
Wow! Cool obligatory homage to A Nightmare on Elm Street that was completely pointless!
The reason why the previous Piranha worked is that despite its intentions of coming across as a low-budget, cheesy, thrown together movie, you could tell that it was made by people who had respect for the genre and respect for that genre’s audience. Its characters might have been done, but they were entertaining and endearing, and you really did root for the good guys to win. In addition to that, the violence was creative, and the filmmakers emphasized the appropriate effects when they deserved it, adding more weight to those effects. The problems with Piranha 3DD were that it’s characters were pretty bland, even with the efforts of David Koechner, Paul Scheer, and Ving Rhames. All of the leads, other than Katrina Bowden, were just generic looking young people. Also, the filmmakers must have realized how much charm these characters lacked and thought that by giving cameos to Gary Busey and David Hasselhoff, they made buy themselves some bonus points. Unfortunately, these additions might as well have been references to the Jersey Shore cast members for how obvious and stupid they were. I think that might be the best word for this movie: stupid.
If internet statistics can be trusted, people enjoy Googling pictures of Katrina Bowden in her underwear, so here ya go, creeps!
The series was taken over by John Gulager, who also brought us all the movies in the Feast trilogy. Looking back on those films, it seems more evident that Gulager might have a lot of expertise in various genre films and has been attempting to emulate them out of respect, but it doesn’t seem like he respects his audience. That could explain why so many ridiculous,shitty things took place in the Feast movies, and would certainly explain lots of elements of Piranha 3DD. Rather than trying to recreate the elements of a B Movie, as the previous film did, this film came across as mocking and making fun of that genre, and not understanding that even some of the worst B Movies are incredibly entertaining. Also, the way he depicts violence is really irritating, because it felt like he sat down trying to think of the “craziest” or most “insane” violent scenes he could, and didn’t give a shit if people had seen it before. For example, we saw in the previous movie a dick being bitten off and floating around in the water, and in this movie we get to see…another dick being cut off. WOW, HOW EDGY AND GROSS! Despite all of these issues with the movie, it was short enough that I wasn’t physically upset with it, and it still did have some pretty decent gore effects. And yes, there were tons of boobs flopping around, which I’m sure was really cool to see in 3D, Mr. Gulager. Luckily, the amount of garbage I watch that has nothing redeeming about them forces me to give this movie a slightly better rating than some others might give it.
Wolfman Moon Scale