I’M ALREADY FUCKING CONFUSED. Is this movie called Hold Your Breath or HoldYourBreath or #HoldYourBreath? Who the fuck puts a giant hashtag (that’s what they call the pound symbol on Twitter) in front of the title of your movie? Most posters have started including bullshit like that on the bottom of their posters, along with official sites and all that garbage, but…I just…what the fuck. This movie was brought to us by The Asylum, a movie “studio” known for knock-offs of much more popular films. When Snakes on a Plane came out, The Asylum gave us Snakes on a Train. When Transformers came out, they gave us Transmorphers. With Paranormal Activity, we were given Paranormal Entity. Notice the trend? Well, The Asylum is starting to really amp up their game by providing us with completely original content! We are all really lucky! Admittedly, one of the reasons I watched this was because Katrina Bowden was in it, who has had a decent track record with 30 Rock, Tucker & Dale vs. Evil, and kind of with Piranha 3DD. DON’T FUCK THINGS UP, LADY.

“LOOK AT HOW LOUDLY I CAN ACT!!!!!!!!”

I think it’s like, the 50’s or some shit, and some dude is being executed. He has been a mega-dickhead by killing a whole bunch of people, and even as he’s about to be executed, manages to kill a warden by stabbing him in the eye. Decades later, a group of college kids are going camping in the woods, and when they see a graveyard approaching, Katrina Bowden has enough time to give them this big long diatribe about why they all need to hold your breath. It’s some bullshit about ghosts and spirits and entering bodies through their mouths, and all the friends listen, except for the stoner kid. Come on, stoner kid! When will you ever learn?! The graveyard they drive past is the one where that dickhead was buried so of course his spirit enters stoner kid. The gang ends up at the asylum/prison place where the dude was executed, and two of the people have sex in it while the others get scared of lightning or something? The spirit starts jumping from one friend to the next until the one dude who is possessed is killed by some dude roaming the woods with a shotgun. This old dude explains everything about what’s going on to the friends, and also says that the spirit of the warden who was killed in the beginning is also looking to get into a body. Not just in the sexy way, either. There ends up being this awful body-switching ghost fight in the woods or something, and both spirits end up in the old dude and he just blows up. Three of the friends make it out alive, but then this one douchebag stabs a girl in the eye and it’s all “Here we go again!”

“You think you’re sad? At least you got to keep your shirt on.”

Listen guys, I’m not trying to act like I thought this movie was good, because I knew it was going to be awful. It was just a matter of whether it was going to be so awful that it was hilarious or so awful that it was just a waste of time. I think it fell somewhere in between those two, because there were definitely some things that were so ridiculous that, even though I was too sad to laugh, I knew were really funny. Pretty much everything the old guy savior said was something that you would think an R. Lee Ermey rip-off would say, except far less creative and with a much worse delivery. Is holding your breath something people typically do while driving past graveyards? It felt like there was so much exposition in that one scene that it was just some arbitrary urban myth made up for the movie, but they’d have to be idiots to try something like that…right? They might have had more success with #TossSaltOverYourShoulderWhenYouSpillIt. So let’s see, that means that the story was terrible, the script was terrible, and most of the acting was terrible. I won’t hold this movie against Katrina Bowden, despite her being terrible in it, because it felt like maybe she made it years ago when she was just trying to break into films and it only just now got released. I might also be wrong, and maybe the director had pictures of her in precarious situations that he was blackmailing her with. Does that pretty much cover everything? Terrible story, script, acting…oh! Gratuitous nudity! Don’t worry kids, there’s plenty! Whether it be the love scene where we see Erin Marie Hogan wearing some weird butt thong belt outfit or Lisa Younger be tied up (topless, of course) to a tree and cut in half with barbed wire, there’s boobs a plenty! Wait, is it aplenty? Who gives a shit. Although it was disappointing to see a decent actress in a shitty film, I suppose this movie could be enjoyable in one of those “it’s so bad that it’s good”  type of ways if you watch it with people, but I watched it alone and hated my life.

Wolfman Moon Scale

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