I know what you’re thinking, because I once stood in your shoes. You’re wondering why this film found it necessary to include the word “terror” in the title, after already using the word “Chupacabra.” Apparently, they felt the need to specify that this film was based on instances of the Chupacabra existing, and terror ensuing. I hear they were also the masterminds behind “Chocolate Chip Cookie Deliciousness” and “Veronica Mars Loves the Wolfman.” Normally, when I hang with a Chupacabra it results in playing Scattergories, talking about boys, then falling asleep while watching Glee, only to wake up spooning each other. It’s not weird or anything, because I’m always the little spoon.

Hahaha look at his funny little stupid hat.

The film opens with a ten-minute scene that involves capturing the Chupacabra…WITH A FUCKING NET. FROM THE SKY. How are we supposed to be afraid of something whose weakness is nets? Also, the Chupacabra is this big monster, or, rather, a guy in a big monster suit. I was always under the impression that the Chupacabra was little, so apparently the masters behind Chupacabra Terror based their film on actual first-hand experiences. Anyways, the monster is captured and put on a cruise ship for transport. Who is the captain of the ship? Mother fucking John Rhys-Davies. Yes, the man who was in the two best Indiana Jones films as well as the Lord of the Rings series. However, I just checked his filmography, and most of what he has been in has been total shit. So, surprisingly, the Chupacabra escapes, kills some people, there are some scenes where they think they have it cornered, and then the characters think they are cornered, blah blah blah. Then the boat blows up, and John Rhys-Davies and company make it to safety.

Pretty sure the design for the Chupacabra was “imagine if the Predator had was crappier.”

In case you can’t tell already, this movie was pretty terrible. However, I can point out two things that worked in its favor. First, it was actually paced pretty well. I watch a lot of bad movies where I can’t wait for the credits to roll and it’s just an insufferable experience, but, despite its subject matter and dialogue, I remained relatively interested in the film. Maybe I just kept hoping John Rhys-Davies would make a joke about using an ax to kill it or maybe talk about camels, but I was interested nonetheless. The other thing that worked was a scene where the guy who captured the Chupacabra talked about cryptozoology. Maybe it’s just because I think cryptozoology and cryptids, in general, are pretty cool, but seeing someone talk about it somewhat intelligently, despite being in a film called “Chupacabra Terror,” was surprising.

Wolfman Moon Scale

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